Title: Simple Liberties – Season 5
Author: Ky (venom69)
Fandom: Star Trek: Voyager
Rating: ADULT
Summary: What if Chakotay had said no?
Character/Pairing: Janeway/Chakotay
Spoilers: None… the show’s ended!
Warnings: Language, sexual situations.
Prompt Number for fic101: 67 - Disappointment
Author’s Notes: Song belongs to Elton John. Part 6 of the Simple Liberties series.
Disclaimer: Usual guff. Not mine, promise to put them back where I found them.
Date: 23/02/07

***

There's a rhyme and reason
To the wild outdoors
When the heart of this star-crossed voyager
Beats in time with yours

***

"Kathryn Janeway's personal log Stardate 52081.2"

Sighing, Kathryn kicked her shoes off and picked up her coffee cup, staring out the window into the inky blackness of space as she held the lukewarm beverage tightly in her hand.

"As much as I would like to report that something eventful has happened in the last week, I fear that just the opposite is true. Nothing has happened, nothing log-worthy anyway. Hard to believe that we’ve had yet another week where not a single thing that could be considered interesting."

She sighed again, moving away from the window to stare instead at a painting that hung on her wall.

The bright splashes of colour on the canvas - one of Phoebe's earlier works; a sun setting over Lake George - seemed out of place in contrast with what was outside the Ship.

Or rather, what wasn't outside the Ship.

"The crew is going stir crazy.”

And she included herself in that thought.

“Every day feels the same as the last and, after only three months of travelling through this Void, I'm not sure how we're going to survive the full year of nothingness."

Scrubbing her hands across her face, Kathryn could feel three months worth of boredom in the tense set of her features.

The entire crew was feeling the tedium; none of them liked not having anything to do.

It made everyone feel as though they weren't actively trying to get home.

They felt as thought they were simply drifting through space, at the mercy of someone - or something as the case often was - else and the lack of control made the blackness harder to bare.

"While the crew struggles to keep a tentative grasp on their sanity, the person I'm most concerned about is Chakotay."

Her voice was quiet and she looked down at the carpet, wondering exactly how much of her thoughts should be entered into the weekly log.

Since, as her mother used to say, 'nothing to write home about' had happened, she'd taken to updating her logs infrequently.

There was only so many entries of ‘Nothing new to report’ she could make.

"He hasn't left his Quarters in well over four weeks and both the Doctor and I are convinced that depression has set in."

Kathryn didn't like discussing Chakotay in her personal logs - after all, someone would read them, eventually - but a ball of worried tension was sitting low in her belly, as it had been for a month now, and, at this point, she wasn't sure what else she could do.

"I can understand it, I suppose. This Void has given us all time - far too much time - to think and reflect on the last four and a half years.”

She sighed again.

“Several times over the past three months, I've found myself wondering what would have happened if I hadn't destroyed the Caretaker's array. I wonder what would have happened if I was still Captain of Voyager. I wonder what would have happened if I'd never taken the mission to find and apprehend the Maquis in the first place. I wonder what would have happened if Chakotay hadn’t been the leader of the Maquis.”

Kathryn frowned, she hadn’t been able to imagine him serving under anyone else for very long.

“I know that, if I let them, the 'what if's' could swallow me whole."

There was a lot more that she thought she should add - about Chakotay, the crew, her own tangent thoughts that spun in confusing circles - but Kathryn really didn't have the energy.

Apathy had been the constant companion of everyone on the Ship and, with nothing to distract them, she wondered how long before more people would follow the Captain's lead and sink into depression.

She felt deep concern that, by the time they reached the end of the void, the entire crew might be hiding from the world in their Quarters.

Kathryn was also concerned that she could be one of those people.

Tom was doing everything that he could to relieve their boredom. He'd created several new holodeck programs and even started distributing PADD's containing games and puzzles to keep the bored crew entertained during their long duty shifts, but it was hardly enough.

Likewise, Neelix had thrown several parties during the last three months, but the general mood was sombre and even those events weren't enough for them, regardless of the alcohol available.

Even Kes' general enthusiasm towards life - which had yet to waiver - wasn't having the normal calming effect. She had always been able to soothe a troubled soul, but even she couldn’t compete with the boredom of Void.

Naomi was the least affected of them all; regardless of the monotonous routine that the adults of Voyager had developed, everyone had time for Voyagers youngest and she unknowingly provided a welcomed distraction for a lot of the crew. But, much to Kathryn’s dismay, her innocence was certainly not enough to compensate for the complete lack of outside interaction.

Kathryn had heard several off-handed comments from people about how the Hirogen, Borg, Species 8472, anyone, would be almost - almost - better than the nothingness.

Huffing her amusement at the crews desire to get shot at - just for something different to focus on for a change - Kathryn made a mental note to relay the story to Chakotay.

She managed to indulge in the fantasy of him sharing her laughter for almost a full thirty seconds before her brain kicked in and reminded her that he wasn't currently leaving his Quarters, or even running the Ship really, so the chances of them sharing a laugh over a glass of wine were slim to none.

Everyone knew that he hadn't stopped caring about the crew; he'd just stopped seeing any need for him to be outside of his living space.

Kathryn was also relatively certain that his eating and grooming habits weren't quite what they used to be as well.

The normally proud man had become dishevelled and unshaven, giving him a scruffy – though strangely appealing – look. It worried her, more than she was willing to admit.

She was trying to be supportive, trying to be understanding.

When she is faced with his blank stare, Kathryn tries to remember her own depression and the complete lack of desire she had felt to do anything more than lie in bed and will the world away.

But it was hard not to yell and scream her own concerns and frustrations and boredom at him.

Sighing again, she moved to the sofa, curling her legs under her body as her thoughts drifted once more towards the man on the other side of her living room bulkhead.

She had stopped by to see him at least once a day, but he rarely offered up more then one word answers, when he bothered to acknowledge her presence in his Quarters at all.

After the incident with the recorded message from 'her' about the 'other woman', Kathryn had hoped that she and Chakotay might have been able to move their relationship forward.

She had hoped that, after seeing what could - and, apparently, did - happen when he moved on, she would be able to push her fears aside and take that step forward with him.

She'd called him to her Quarters to talk and they'd only been in the same room for a few moments, her trying to form a coherent sentence while he waited patiently, when B'Elanna had paged him.

There had been a small fire in engineering and he had given her an apologetic dimpled smile, kissed her cheek and promised that they'd talk once everything was under control.

Of course, in true Delta Quadrant life, nothing had been under control and by the time he'd finished dealing with the fire and whatever else had distracted him, they'd found themselves in the Void.

Though, at first, it had been easy to keep the crew's spirits up.

"We're not getting shot at!" They told each other, "No one wants to steal the Ship! Or our organs!"

And that was enough.

The Void, at first, seemed like a welcome break from four and a half years of constant stress.

They took the blackness around them, absent of planets and stars and civilisations and spatial anomalies, and decided that it was just the Universe's way of saying 'Hey, why don’t you all take it easy for a change?'

But that feeling only lasted a short time and, suddenly, the Captain was no where to be seen, the First Officer was making increasingly transparent excuses for his absence and the crew was left realizing that, while they man not have been getting shot at, they had nothing to do but make sure the computer ran smoothly and, thus, the Ship did.

Voyager was completely capable of running without human controlling and, normally, a lot of their duty shifts were spent making repairs so that the computer could do what it was programmed for.

But, without anything actually needing repair, they really didn't have a lot to do.

They had known about the void thanks to a previous trade of knowledge with a small planet on the outskirts of the last system they’d passed through.

The local population had warned of the blackness that seemed never ending, warned of the tedium that they would encounter and the Voyager crew had taken their warning for what it was and convinced themselves that they would make it. The locals has spoke of Ships that had come through the blackness, but too late to save the sanity of the crew.

For a while, they had all found little ways to occupy their minds.

Tom would send Voyager dancing through space, his fingers tapping rapidly against the helm controls - while everyone else was thankful for artificial gravity - as he took full advantage of not having to worry about running into anything and tested his abilities.

B'Elanna had disassembled just about everything possible in engineering - and some things that Kathryn hadn't thought possible or wise to disassemble - before 'tweaking' them to work better and putting them back together, if only for something to do.

In three months, Tuvok had run more security and battle drills then they normally did in a year and while no one was particularly enthusiastic about them, at the very least, Kathryn was feeling fitter than ever.

For as much as they tried, though, nothing seemed to keep them occupied for any length of time.

It had taken all of a month for them to realize that the Void could be the death of them.

Literally.

Sigh.

The computer beeped, reminding her in its own special way that her log was still recording and sighing or huffing didn't count towards the entry, regardless of how telling her sighs and huffs could be.

She could continue - and perhaps should, for the cathartic effect that letting her thoughts out could have - but Kathryn had a thrilling eight hours on the Bridge ahead of her and, with or without any real work to do, she should at least make the effort to show up.

"Computer, end log."

***

Kathryn sat on the Bridge and used the console between the command chairs to keep her awake.

There was nothing interesting to look at, nothing that needed her attention, nothing that she could even use as 'busy work' - though Tom had installed a few games without being asked and she thought that he deserved to be knighted for that alone - and she pulled up old reports and sensor readings, longing for the days when there was always something different happening and you never knew exactly what kind of excitement a duty shift would bring about.

An alert popped up - finally! Something to do! - and she frowned as she read it, tapping her comm. Badge with a sigh when she saw the name attached to the message. Voyagers problem children. "Bridge to holodeck one. What's going on down there?"

"Oh, nothing, Kathryn." Harry sounded as guilty as sin. "It's just a little power surge."

That was not what her console was saying. "Says here the hologrid just blew out."

Harry coughed over the link. "We're fixing it now."

"Well, make it quick. The last thing we need is a broken holodeck." She closed the link and sighed again as Seven moved to stand in front of her. "Seven, I want good news. That's an order."

If the holodecks were down, she could only imagine what the crew would do with themselves then.

Already, the 2 holodecks had proven to be too little to support one hundred and twenty three bored people.

She felt her stomach flip – in the bad way - as Chakotay's face sprung forth in her mind and mentally amended her list.

One hundred and twenty-two.

Kathryn had checked the logs; in the past three months he'd been allotted almost seven hours of holodeck time and he'd not used any of it.

She knew that he wasn't saving it. She knew that he just simply wasn't interested and he'd left the times free for communal activities that anyone - usually Neelix - chose to organize.

"Then I must disobey your order. I have no good news to report." Seven handed over a PADD, bringing Kathryn out of her thoughts. "I have completed an astrometric scan of the entire region. There are no star systems within twenty five hundred light years."

Though the Astrometrics Lab wasn't completely finished, they had made quite a lot of progress over the last three months.

With nothing else to occupy them and duty shifts that didn't really require as many people to be in their area as normal, a lot of the crew had volunteered their expertise and Astrometrics was nearing completion a lot sooner than they'd ever anticipated, even with Borg efficiency on their side.

Taking the PADD, Kathryn frowned at the readout. "Nothing?"

"Nothing."

"Why can't we see stars beyond that?"

Even incomplete, their scanning equipment was capable of reaching a lot further than twenty five hundred light years.

Seven stood with her hands behind her back. "There are heavy concentrations of theta radiation. It has occluded our sensors."

Great.

They couldn't see what - if, indeed, anything - was coming their way and that meant that, even though they were reasonably certain that there was nothing to find, they'd have no chances to re-supply if they couldn't detect any M-Class planets that happened to have survived in the void.

The people that had warned them of the blackness and the coming insanity hadn’t actually had any information about what, exactly, was in the Void. They knew that it was devoid of stars, but they had admitted that the possibility of finding a civilization – though remote – was still there.

Kathryn was suddenly grateful that the first thing B'Elanna had 'tweaked' was the replicator system so that it ran on less power with the same results.

It would, hopefully, help to keep their energy reserves up long enough to make it out of the Void if it turned out that there really weren’t any planets.

"Any other ships out there?"

"None." Seven shook her head. "We are alone."

"Every sailor's nightmare."

"Kathryn?"

"It's like being becalmed in the middle of the ocean. If it weren't for sensors we wouldn't even know we were at warp." She sighed and scrubbed a hand across her face before looking at the PADD again. "We've only been crossing this expanse for three months and we're already feeling the strain. How do we last another seven months?"

"We will adapt."

Good old Borg optimism. "Easier said than done."

"Shall I inform the Captain of my findings?"

She wasn't sure that Chakotay would let anyone into his Quarters - and she had been forced to use his code for access on more than one occasion when he ignored the door chime - and, even if he did, Kathryn wasn't sure that the crew should see what had become of their Captain during his weeks of solitude.

Kathryn shook her head. "No. I'll tell him."

***

She sat in the mess hall, sighing at the dreary faces that wandered in and out, looking for something to do but carrying the knowledge that they wouldn't find anything on their features.

Kathryn imagined that her own face was a mirror image.

After her conversation with Seven the day before, she had gone to Chakotay's Quarters to delivery the report - about nothing - only for him to not answer the chime.

While that wasn't unusual, when she punched in his code, she had found that he had changed it.

She'd tried her own override code but that hadn't worked either and, finally, she'd had to send the report to him via the computer.

It was only an hour or so later that she had received an automatically generated 'read' message, but he hadn't contacted her to comment on either the report or the isolation that he was keeping himself in.

These days, it seemed as though the more she pushed him to talk, the less inclined he was to do so.

Kathryn thought about appearing nonchalant in order to prompt him into talking, but she had a feeling that any attempt at novice reverse psychology was unlikely to work on them.

Something in her peripheral vision caught her eye - a flash of silver - and Kathryn looked up slightly, trying to muster a smile for the man that stood by her side as she studied the empty contents of her coffee cup, her thoughts a million light years away from the mess hall.

Neelix held the coffee pot in his hand and raised it slightly in invitation. "Refill, Kathryn?"

"Please."

"How is everything?" He poured as he talked.

"Good." She winced at how fake she sounded and amended her words quickly, "The same."

"And the Captain? I haven't seen him in a while and he hasn't ordered any food to be delivered." Neelix frowned. "I was thinking of sending up some mushroom soup for him. I know how much he likes that."

Neelix was, if nothing else, a very astute person when it came to the Voyager crew and their wellbeing.

For several weeks now, Kathryn had been concerned about the effect that Chakotay's isolation was having on the crew.

They took comfort in seeing him, even if it was just in the hall.

It made the senior staff more confident and the younger members of the crew feel more comfortable.

If he wasn't using his replicator – she made a mental note to check - and not ordering any food... he couldn't go on like this for much longer.

Neelix's words confirmed it.

"I don't think mushroom soup will help, Neelix." He looked a little crestfallen at her words. "But I think it's a wonderfully kind idea that it certainly worth trying. I’ll pick the soup up when I get off shift."

***

For the second time in less than a year, Kathryn found herself standing outside his Quarters with a tray of mushroom soup balanced in one hand.

Unlike the last time, after his experience with the Kradin 'nemesis', Kathryn didn't have a way into his Quarters unless he opened the doors.

She could probably get down on her knees and fiddle with the door controls until she got access, but what was the point?

If he was going out of his way to make it clear that he didn't want company, she couldn't force her help on him, as much as it hurt.

She had spoken with the Doctor - several times, in fact - about the Captain and what they could do.

Since he refused to seek medical treatment, or even acknowledge that something was wrong, the Doctor wasn't able to prescribe any sort of anti-depressants.

Especially without an examination and that was unlikely to happen unless they flooded his bedroom with chloroform - or something similar - and beamed him to sickbay.

At this point, all the Doctor could recommend was letting him talk through whatever was troubling him and try to – as gently as possible - convince him to come out of his Quarters.

Assuming she could get in to start with...

"Kathryn to Chakotay."

No response.

"Chakotay, I know you can here me. Open the door."

Again, no response.

She wasn't surprised.

"Open the door," She repeated. "I have fresh, hot, deliciously aromatic mushroom soup."

She really hadn't expected that to work.

"I am prepared to have a one-sided conversation with you. I don't know how the passing crew are going to feel about that, though."

Though there was no one currently within her line of sight in the hall, he didn’t need to know that.

The door slid open and Kathryn refused to let herself grin in triumph.

She was going to take it as a good sign that he still cared about what the crew thought – at least somewhat - even if it was a small step in the very long road to recovery that he faced.

Balancing the tray in one hand and a PADD in the other, she entered the dark Quarters and called for one quarter lights.

Her nose wrinkled a little and she wondered what the strange - but not entirely unpleasant - smell was before it hit her; it was him.

No soap, no shampoo, no aftershave, no smell of the ship... just him.

Chakotay sat on the sofa.

He had leather pants and a top on, but no vest and his clothes were wrinkled. His comm. badge appeared to be lying on the coffee table and he stared at it.

She hadn’t actually seen him in over a week – apparently, mushroom soup really had been the right thing to use to coax him into opening the door, which would make Neelix happy – and she stared, blinking and trying to swallow the lump in her throat.

Kathryn had known that he was in a bad way, but this…

"You wanted something?"

"I brought food." She offered weakly.

His tone of voice, the despondent look in his eyes... Kathryn couldn't help but think of the two months of hell they'd gone through when Roshan's first birthday had been approaching.

"And Seven's Astrometrics report." She finished.

He didn't look at her, instead turning to stare out the view port, his hand supporting his chin as his elbow rested on the back of the sofa. "Anything interesting?"

Though she had sent the report to his computer and received the read message, she had thought that he had probably just opened it long enough for the computer to send the message and then closed it down again, uninterested in the sensor data that he knew would be empty.

Kathryn struggled a little as she put the tray of soup down on the coffee table and held the PADD out. "It's probably nothing. Just background theta radiation. But it could mean there's someone nearby."

Chakotay didn't appear to notice and/or care about the PADD. "Distance from our position?"

"Approximately twenty five light years." Kathryn withdrew her outstretched hand when he made no move to take the PADD.

"It's a long shot, but alter course."

"Yes, sir."

"If that's all, Kathryn..."

Finally, he turned to look at her and Kathryn almost gasped audibly at the sight of him.

Mussed hair, big, dark circles under his eyes... he looked years older than he actually was.

His normally golden skin had an unhealthy grey tinge to it and she was appalled to think that he had let himself fade away like that.

Forcing herself to focus, Kathryn took a step closer to the sofa. "Actually, I'd like to make a request." She gestured towards the tray she had set down on the coffee table. "How about I serve this up? Neelix mad it specially for you… we can have dinner together."

"I'm not hungry."

The Doctor had expected a lack of appetite and the replicator history – she had checked after her conversation with Neelix - proved that he wasn't replicating much of anything more than the basic every day items.

It seemed that he had the sense of mind left to replicate a small meal - mostly a slice of bread with some kind of spread on it - every second day.

Enough to keep him alive and conscious but not much beyond that.

"Well, if not dinner, then I've been saving up my holodeck rations and I've got three full hours coming. Any chance I might persuade you to join me for a few rounds of Velocity? It'll help clear your mind."

She was a little tempted to add some kind of flirtatious remark about him getting the chance to watch her run around in tight clothing while she sweated, but, while the old Chakotay would have laughed - and looked her up and down with a devious smirk while he imagine it - this Chakotay didn't look like he would give a damn either way.

"My mind is perfectly clear."

Time to get stubborn, Kathy. "And what if I told you I'm not leaving until you join me?"

"I'd say, have a seat, it'll be a while."

Right.

No more Mrs. Nice XO.

"Then I'll be blunt. You've picked a bad time to isolate yourself from the crew. This ship needs a Captain, especially now."

"Would you be satisfied with ‘I'm just catching up on some reading’?" He sighed. "I'm not sure I understand it myself. It started when we entered this..." He nodded to the blackness outside. "What does the crew call it?"

"The Void." An apt name, Kathryn thought.

He rolled his eyes. "Charming."

"What is this about, Chakotay?” Her voice softened. “I'm worried. Everyone is worried."

For a brief moment Kathryn thought that he might tell her to piss off and get out of his Quarters.

And, judging by the look on his face, he seriously considered it.

"I made an error in judgment. It was short-sighted and now all of us are paying for my mistake. So if you don't mind, Kathryn, I'll pass on that little game and I'll leave shipboard morale in your capable hands. If the crew asks for me, tell them the Captain sends his regards."

Kathryn frowned.

His moods were so up and down that she was having trouble following them, as well as his meaning.

"Do you mean that you made an error in judgement that got us all stranded out here?"

She has been the one to make that call - a fact that she had spent far too many hours dwelling on, especially in the last three months - how on Earth could he justify the blame being his own?

"In the last year and a half." Chakotay corrected.

Kathryn shook her head, confused. "I don't understand."

"Forget it." Chakotay waved his hand dismissively. "Thanks for the food; I'd rather be alone now."

***

B'Elanna raised her eyebrows as they all entered the briefing room. "This won't be much of a briefing. There's nothing new to report."

Shrugging from her set, Kathryn sighed. "Humour me."

Taking her seat, B'Elanna laced her fingers together. "All right, let's see. Warp core's at peak efficiency, just like last week, and the week before that, and my engineering staff is going stir crazy."

"Thanks." Kathryn managed to not roll her eyes, but it was hard to resist the urge. "Harry?"

He grimaced. "Nada."

"Can you be more specific?"

"All systems are operating within normal parameters."

If anything, the lack of strain on Voyager's systems was the only 'good' thing about the Void.

It was the first time in four and a half years that they weren't constantly being shot at or fighting for their lives and, if the boredom wasn't so wide spread, it would almost be a welcomed change.

Almost.

"Anything new on sensors?"

"I've detected a sudden increase in theta radiation in the vicinity." Tuvok offered calmly.

Of all the crew, Kathryn imagined that he and Vorik were handling the lack of activity the best.

The Vulcan philosophy on life?

When in doubt, meditate.

"Source?"

"Unknown."

She shrugged. At the very least, it would be something different. "Could be worth a look."

"Finally some excitement." Tom rolled his eyes. "Radiation."

Kathryn probably should have reprimanded him for the comment, but they all felt the same way. "Next piece of business. Crew morale."

The Doctor frowned. "Deteriorating, obviously."

"I have a few suggestions that might help boost people's spirits." Neelix offered brightly.

The parties might not have worked, but Neelix had to be the most resourceful and inventive member of their crew, next to Kes, and Kathryn was willing to take anything she could get at this point.

"Please."

"Rotate crew assignments." He explained, enthusiastic as always. "Add a little variety to the normal daily routine. I myself wouldn't mind squeezing in a little tactical training."

Kathryn blinked, surprised that it hadn't been mentioned before.

It was a good idea and it would give a lot of the crew a chance to spend a day doing something that they weren't automatically good at. It would challenge them mentally and, in some cases, physically.

Perfect.

Though Tuvok, naturally, looked less than thrilled at the prospect of having Neelix with him for a whole day. "Noted."

"And the holodecks have been in high demand." Neelix continued. "I was thinking that we could install a few emitters in Cargo Bay one. Perhaps turn it into a third holodeck."

Kathryn had been toying with that idea herself after Tom and Harry had blown the relays earlier in the week. "See to it, Harry."

"One other item. A point of concern among some of the crew." Neelix grimaced, clearly uncomfortable. "It's, well… it's the Captain. He's been a bit elusive lately. People take comfort in talking to him. When they see that the Captain's happy, they're happy."

"Rumour has it he never leaves his quarters." Tom added.

As tempted as she was to defend Chakotay's right to run the Ship from wherever he saw fit - the bridge, engineering... hell, he could run it from the lavatory if he wanted to - she knew that these people weren't stupid and, mostly, were concerned for their friend as well as their Captain.

"I'm working on that one. If anyone has any ideas, I'm listening.” No one spoke up. “Otherwise, dismissed."

As everyone began to file out of the room, Kathryn found herself unsurprised to see that B'Elanna didn't make any kind of effort to move.

"Can we fake a warp core breach to get him out?" B'Elanna asked seriously, as soon as the room was empty save for the two of them. "I could do it and make it look like an accident."

"I don't think that will work." Kathryn sighed.

"What are we going to do?" She raised her eyebrows. "It's been over a month and no one has seen him except for you."

Kathryn didn't take the opening to share her thoughts on his current living conditions.

There were some things that she didn’t feel she had the right to discuss about another person.

"I'm trying to help him."

"We're all bored," B'Elanna said with a frustrated growl. "Why is he the only one hiding out?"

"I don't know." Kathryn admitted, shaking her head. "He said something about making a decision a year and a half ago and now we are all paying for it. I don't understand what he means."

"A year and a half ago?" B'Elanna asked the computer for the Stardate and frowned when the smooth voice replied. She spoke slowly, clearly choosing her words carefully. "Weren't you away then?"

When Kathryn thought about it, the Stardate didn't ring any bells or prompt any specific memories for her. "Computer, access Kathryn Janeway's schedule for that Stardate."

"Accessed."

"What was on the agenda?"

"Trade Negotiations with the Tac Tac."

Kathryn gasped. "God, why didn't I think of it?"

"Please restate the query."

Quickly ordering the computer to cease the enquiry, she frowned. "Why is he blaming himself for what happened?"

"He made the decision to send the Doctor down to the planet. We all advised against it."

Kathryn had read the report. "So he's blaming himself for brining the Macrovirus on board?"

"And he's blaming himself for Roshan's death." B'Elanna added quietly.

***

When Chakotay had first made the comment about a decision that he made a year and a half ago, Kathryn hadn't understood.

It hadn't occurred to her to check the computer and she mentally kicked herself for it the whole way back to his Quarters.

She wasn't sure what she was going to say to him as she marched down the corridor, purpose propelling her strides.

The only thing that she knew for certain right now was that they had to get him out of the state he was in and they had a very limited amount of time before he was beyond any help that their small Ship could offer.

The nature of Voyager’s initial mission had never required a counsellor and she now, more than ever, wished that they’d had one onboard anyway.

More than anything else, she wanted to help him, but she knew from experience that he had to want to help himself before she could be of any real use.

Kathryn remembered depression very well.

Following the death of Justin and her father, she had spent several weeks in bed, unwilling - though she had thought she was unable at the time - to get up and face the world.

A cloud of misery had settled over her and, before she knew what was happening, Phoebe had announced that a month had passed and that was enough, right before she threw a bucket of cold water over the bed and stalked out of the room, calling out over her shoulder that the rest was up to her.

While, at first, Kathryn had been quite prepared to lay in the cold, wet, bed, eventually a shiver had forced her to rise and shower.

The warm shower had forced her to get changed out of her sleepwear and, from there, it had been a chain reaction of things that she felt she had to do - showering had meant that her hair got wet, which meant she had to dry it, which meant that she had to brush it and so on - that had finally seen her slowly integrating herself back into the land of the living, one very small, very tentative, step at a time.

Phoebe had later told her that if the cold water hadn't worked, she had been planning to get Alec - her younger sister's boyfriend at the time - to carry Kathryn into a bath of ice cold water.

While Kathryn knew that she would never be able to carry Chakotay into a bath of cold water - and she was not willing to have Ayala or someone else carry him - she knew, without a doubt, that she had to do something before he wasted away quietly.

That was part of what worried her so much.

His depression appeared to be little more than emotional numbness.

Every time she had seen him – and he had looked steadily worse each time – he had never shown any signs of helplessness, despair, tears… all of the things that she remembered from her own brush with depression.

Reaching his Quarters, she entered her override code and was surprised when it worked.

He'd obviously come out of his self-induced despondency long enough to see the stupidity behind locking her out.

If there was an emergency, Kathryn – or someone else - needed to be able to get in without having to debate the matter with him.

Entering his Quarters, that smell - him - filled her senses again and it would have been just a little erotic if she hadn't known how it had come to dominate the room.

On his coffee table was a tray laden with all of the condiments necessary for a meal for two. A large bowl of mushroom soup sat in the centre, congealing, while two clean bowls and spoons sat to the side.

A layer of something worthy of the Science Department's study was covering the top of the formerly fresh soup and, despite the fact that she had brought the meal to him three nights ago, Kathryn knew without looking too closely that he hadn't even touched it.

Once again, Chakotay sat on the sofa, staring at the nothingness and not acknowledging her presence.

"You know why I'm here." She sad quietly. She could think of no reason to beat around the bush with niceties, especially since he wouldn't reply. "The crew is worried."

"They're in capable hands." He replied.

Kathryn moved to sit on the sofa, her body angled towards his.

He was wearing the same outfit that he'd been in when she'd brought the mushroom soup over, but there were no stains on it.

In fact, his Quarters looked immaculate - aside from the tray on the table - as though he hadn't actually done anything in the last month.

Kathryn felt the know in her stomach twist painfully when she acknowledged that he probably hadn’t done anything.

Taking a deep breath, she forced herself to focus on his face, even though he didn’t look at her as she spoke. "How long are you going to spend blaming yourself for his death?"

"As long as it takes."

The fact that he was replying was good.

The fact that his voice was flat and lifeless and her words weren't producing the anger she expected wasn't.

"It's been over a year and a half. Isn't that enough time?" She knew that it wasn't. Hell, she knew that he might never completely accept what happened, but she also knew that the only reason he was falling deeper and deeper into a pit of despair was because there was no outside stimuli to keep his mind active. "Shouldn't you try to move on now?"

His eyes snapped to her face, hard. "Have you ever lost a child, Kathryn?"

Anger.

Anger was good; anger she could work with.

His anger was familiar territory while his apathy left her confused and scared for the man across from her.

"You called me Roshan's mother." She reminded him quickly. "So, I guess the answer to your question is yes."

"It's not the same." He snapped.

"No," She agreed, "Maybe it isn't. Maybe not giving birth to him changes how I feel. But it hurts all the same."

"Hurt." He snorted. "What do you know about hurt?"

Kathryn didn't bother replying to that; Chakotay knew her history well, he didn't need a refresher course in the Life Of Kathryn Janeway And All Of Her Pains And Heartaches.

"The crew needs their Captain, especially now." She said quietly. "And I need my friend."

"Friend? You mean ego-boost."

"What?"

He rolled his eyes. "Face it, Kathryn, you like knowing that I wanted you. It makes you feel good."

She wasn't going to let herself dwell on the fact that he used a past tense in his statement.

At least, not yet.

One hurdle at a time.

"Would you like me to deny it?"

"There's not point." Chakotay shrugged. "I get it, really. The idea that the Captain wants to, how did you say it? Oh yes, I remember, 'get into your pants', makes you feel good. So you try to keep me interested, showing just enough affection, and then get sad when I don't kiss your cheek and tell you that you're beautiful every day."

He'd never actually said that she was beautiful before, but Kathryn thought she should leave that one alone as well.

Arguing semantics probably wasn’t a good idea right now, for either of them.

"Would you rather I was cold and indifferent to you?"

"No." He huffed. "That's the pathetic part about it. I’m like a dog waiting for scraps of affection."

Kathryn had never thought to liken him to a dog before. A stubborn, pig-headed man, yes.

But never a dog.

She wasn't really sure how they'd gone from talking about Roshan's death to their relationship, but as long as he kept talking - and even if it only was to be angry with her - then she was happy.

Though there was a limit to how much anger she would take before she fought back and Kathryn thought that now would be a really good time to slide the topic left.

Where ever their conversation was destined to go next, Kathryn would be damned if she didn’t have any control over it. "You had a relationship with another woman, you know."

"When?"

"A few months ago. You don't remember her because of some pheromone that her race produces which means the memory of them can't be held in the mind of others for more than a few hours."

"How do you know about it then?"

"I left myself a note."

She hadn't planned to tell him of the recording that she had saved in her personal database.

Kathryn had only watched it once before she'd filed it, with very little intention of watching it again.

It was painful to watch 'herself' in that recording. Painful to see the obvious pain in ‘her’ eyes as she spoke of the other woman. Painful to think about what could happen.

But if she didn't tell Chakotay, she had no idea what else to say to him.

Right now, she just wanted to keep him talking.

Chakotay snorted and rolled his eyes. "Finally get laid again and I don't even remember it."

Well, she hadn't thought of it quite like that.

That was men, for you.

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Well, I called you after I watched the recording that 'I' made. It was the night we had that fire in engineering…" She raised her eyebrow and he nodded once, indicating that he remembered the evening. "I wanted to..."

"What? You wanted to what?" Chakotay's gaze was hard. "Fuck me to keep me interested? Thought your grip was slipping?"

He hadn't been this much of an ass to her since Roshan's would-be first birthday but, apparently, it wasn't a great leap from depression to real anger for him.

Someone had once told her that depression was merely anger without enthusiasm and it appeared that Chakotay had managed to muster some forgotten enthusiasm in point two seconds.

It would have been impressive if it weren't so hurtful.

"You know that's not it." Kathryn replied quietly.

Chakotay snorted and turned back to the window and the blackness outside the ship. "Get out."

Tears pricked at her eyes, but she left anyway.

***

Early the next morning - with her eyes slightly redder and more puffy than normal - Kathryn stood in Sickbay. "He's getting worse."

"I wish I knew what to do." The Doctor admitted quietly. "I can't beam into his quarters to examine him, he wont come here and I can't prescribe anything without talking to him."

Kes frowned, a far away look in her eyes for a moment before she turned her attention to them. "He feels deep pain."

"I know." Kathryn agreed. "I just don't know what to do about it."

Roshan's death was finally coming back to bite him in the ass - in a big way - and, though he hadn't said anything, the recent news of the Maquis' slaughtering was probably playing a large part in his mood as well.

"Perhaps you should relieve him of duty." The Doctor offered after a moment of silence.

"Is that wise? Could that not push him over the edge? Right now, he still has his Captaincy, even if he isn’t actually Captaining the Ship. If we take that away from him, could it cause him to commit..." She couldn't even think the word, couldn’t entertain the thought, let alone find the ability to verbalize it. "Could it push him over the edge?"

"He has kept himself secluded from the crew for sixty-three days. We have been in this void for ninety-one days. He is not currently Captaining this vessel, regardless of what you tell the crew, and we've tried just about everything that I can think of to help him, to no avail." The Doctor replied. His voice was gentle, but Kathryn knew that he was very serious. "Medically, I can relieve him of duty. But, of course, I would have to see him to do that."

"Am I able to do that?” She paused for a moment and frowned. “Are you, for that matter?"

Since the Maquis weren't big on protocol - what she wouldn't give for this to be a Starfleet crew right about now! - Kathryn wasn't sure that she actually held any authority to relieve him of command.

And while the Doctor's ethical subroutines had never been tampered with, she was relatively certain that his suggestion came from the Starfleet programmed part of him that ensured his program followed Starfleet rules and regulations to the letter, including what to do when the Captain was mentally unstable.

Big help that is, right now.

The Doctor frowned, clearly uncertain. “I don’t see any other alternative.” He finally admitted.

“Nor do I.” Kathryn agreed, rubbing her temple.

Kes frowned at her. “Are you OK, Kathryn?”

“Fine.”

Her eyes were sore and so was her head from the mild - but warranted - crying fit the night before.

She tried to smile.

“It’s almost time for your yearly physical.” The Doctor said. “Perhaps we should do it now. I’d like to take a few scans of you.”

“Honestly, I’m fine.” Kathryn repeated, as she waved away the concerned look on their faces. “What I need to do now is figure out how to handle this situation with Chakotay.”

"Why don't you talk to B'Elanna?" Kes offered. "Perhaps she would know."

***

When she entered engineering, she was unsurprised to find most of the staff looking how everyone else on the crew felt; bored and under-utilized.

Spying B'Elanna by the warp core, Kathryn moved over to watch her work for a moment until the other woman noticed her.

"Seeing about that breach." B'Elanna joked. "Just keeping the options open."

Forcing a small smile, Kathryn nodded. "Can we talk?"

"Sure. Upper level."

The moved to the lift and rode to the upper level of engineering in silence.

She couldn’t help but think that she and B’Elanna had engaged in many a serious conversations in the upper level of engineering.

It was almost fitting somehow that this conversation would be held there too.

When they stood by one of the main consoles and Kathryn was sure that no one was in earshot, she turned to the other woman.

"I need to know what the protocol in the Maquis is for relieving the Captain of command."

B'Elanna frowned. "Has it really come to that?"

"You were prepared to cause a warp core breach; I think this is a slightly less drastic option."

Despite the slightly humorous slant to her words, both woman knew that it was no laughing matter.

"There really isn't any protocol for it." B'Elanna sighed. "If you wanted to relieve him of Command, you'd just have to make sure that he wasn’t in a position to fight you for it."

Kathryn arched an eyebrow. "Are you suggesting that I beat him up?"

The mental image almost produced a laugh.

"Or you could phaser him," She replied with a shrug. "Whichever you think will work best."

That time she did laugh, but only a little. "Now, in all seriousness, should I be taking Ayala with me to fight for the Captaincy?"

"No." B'Elanna huffed. "Look, he's not acting like a Captain now anyway. If you went in and announced that you were relieving him of command, I don't think he'd really argue with you."

"That's what worries me." Kathryn admitted with a sigh.

***

"You're what?"

Chakotay wasn't disbelieving.

He wasn't shocked.

He didn't even seem angry.

He was simply a man that hadn't quite heard what she had said and wanted her to repeat the words.

Kathryn swallowed a lump in her throat. "I'm relieving you of duty. As of now, I will be acting as Captain of this Vessel. The command codes have all been transferred to me."

"Really?" He raised an eyebrow. “You’re relieving me of command.”

It wasn’t a question.

No! I wish I wasn't doing this! "Yes."

"I see." He didn't move from the position on the sofa.

The cynical part of Kathryn's brain wondered exactly how long it would take before that part of his sofa held the permanent imprint of his ass.

He was more than that, damnit, and it pained her to see him sitting there, wasting away as he neglected his body's needs.

"And the first officer will be...?"

"Tuvok."

"So what am I now, then?"

"A liability and a drain on energy to the Ship and its crew." She forced her voice not to waiver.

He nodded once. "I see."

Kathryn wished he would say more than that.

If he fought against her, at least she would know that his spirit hadn’t been completely dampened.

"As Captain, I'm ordering you to eat something. And shower; you stink."

She turned on her heel and left.

***

Kathryn hadn't felt quite this ill since... actually, she couldn't recall ever having felt this ill before.

"You did the right thing." Kes soothed as they sat in the resort program.

Neelix had opened his resort on an almost permanent basis, creating more holodeck characters to interactive with the crew in the hopes of compensating for the general lack of activity.

"I know I did the right thing, but I didn’t have to be so harsh about it." She'd told Kes what she had said.

"Would he have listened if you had phrased it any other way?"

It hadn't been planned.

She had been planning to go to his Quarters and simply inform him of the change in Command structure and hope that it would provoke more of the anger she'd seen the previous week when they had discussed their relationship, or lack there of as the case was.

If he got angry enough about it, Kathryn had hoped that he would fight for his Captaincy, fight for his crew.

She didn't want to be the Captain of Voyager.

Hell, she didn't even know if she could do it anymore.

Recycling her uniform years ago had been a symbolic gesture, but the fact that she'd had to consciously think about who Admiral Paris had meant when he'd addressed his letter to 'Captain Kathryn Janeway' had proven that she wasn't who she had been four and a half years ago when they had left Deep Space 9 in search of the Liberty.

It had taken her - and everyone else - a long time to come to terms with the way that Voyager was going to run for the course of their seventy five year journey and Kathryn hated the fact that they now had to try and find a way to deal with this new change.

As if the first few years hadn’t been bad enough for them - all of them - now they had to face the fact that the Captain that had learnt to respect and trust wasn’t willing to poke his head outside of his Quarters.

"Probably not." Kathryn finally admitted after a pause. "And I don't think he listened to me when I was nasty."

***

She left him alone for over a week.

Eight whole days she spent sitting in the captain's chair on the Bridge - though she couldn't sit at the head of the briefing room table when she forced the senior staff to report on the non-activity of the ship - staring at the empty view screen and issuing orders when they were necessary.

Her duty shifts left her numb and, since she wasn’t checking on Chakotay, she found herself sitting alone with her thoughts far too often.

When they hit the one hundred day mark in the Void, the crew acknowledge the small milestone by throwing a party in Sandrine’s.

They had survived almost a third of the year-long journey.

Well, they mightn't have survived it particularly well, but they were all still living - with the exception of the new Leola root crops that Neelix had planted in the Airponics bay, which had been mysteriously sabotaged (And Kathryn had personally and repeatedly thanked Tom for his efforts on that one) - and that alone was worth the celebration.

Kathryn went to the party, downed a celebratory shot of something incredibly potent that Tom called 'Tequila', before she'd looked around the room and realized exactly how much she missed her friend, above anything else.

Making her excuses from the party - though no one was fooled by her declaration of being tired and saying she had work to do would have been a blatant lie - Kathryn made the short walk to his Quarters almost fearfully.

She wondered if she had done the right thing or not by relieving him of duty.

There was a tight knot of tension in her lower belly and, even though she hadn't been able to think the word in sickbay, part of her wondered if she was about to walk into his Quarters and find him... well, not breathing was the nicest way she could think to put it.

She was tempted to just punch in her override code - which was now the Captains code and would work for access to any part of the Ship, regardless of what he'd done - but she rang the chime.

When the doors slid open under the prompting of the room's occupant, Kathryn was surprised.

Pushing the surprise aside, she stepped across the threshold and was relieved to find that, not only was he still breathing, he wasn't wearing the same pants and shirt that he had literally lived in for months.

"Captain." He acknowledged.

While he was still sitting in the same position on the sofa, she was pleased to note that his hair looked clean again and the formerly untouched remains of the dinner she'd brought him had been recycled.

She could smell nothing in the air.

Nothing but the recycled scent of Voyager.

He had also made the effort to turn and fully face her when she entered, which was a first in a long time.

When she left, Kathryn planned to check his rations account, but she expected that he'd at least had one filling meal in the last nine days; his skin wasn't quite tinged with the grey pallor that she had begun to expect on him.

She knew that it was too much for her to hope that this was over, that he was back to his old self after little more than a meal and a change of clothes, but it was a good start and she'd take it.

"Chakotay. How are you?" It was a stupid question, but she didn't have a better opening at this point.

He raised an eyebrow at her.

Clearly he thought it was a stupid question too.

"Right." She grimaced and pointed awkwardly towards one of the armchairs. "May I sit?"

"Sure." He shrugged. "Checking up on the ship's liability?"

It wasn't quite sarcasm, but it did make her appreciate the small glass of 'Dutch courage' that she'd had on the holodeck.

"Checking up on my friend." She amended.

Kathryn had no plans to apologise for the liability remark, especially since it had been true and he had said things a lot more hurtful to her.

The conversation about their relationship sprung to mind but she pushed it aside so that she didn’t start yelling at him.

Chakotay made a non-committal noise.

She sat, perched on the edge of the armchair, absently playing with the hem of her tunic. "We hit a hundred days, today."

"I know."

It was a surprise to consider that he may have been counting, but she hadn't come here for that.

She wasn't sure what she had come here for, actually.

"Can we talk?"

"About?"

Kathryn shrugged.

She wasn't particularly fussy about the topic. "About you. About how you're feeling, what you're thinking."

"I've been thinking about the irony of life."

Well, that was deeper than she had expected. "Oh?"

He nodded. “I’ve been thinking about how some things come full circle, some things balance out, some things are cruelly ironic and some things just are.”

Maybe that Tequila had killed off a few brain cells.

Kathryn frowned. “What do you mean?”

"The Cardassians took my family and they took my friends. Their DNA took my son.” He waved a hand in her general direction. “In a round about way, they led me to you."

She wasn't sure if the latter was meant to be a good thing or a bad thing.

"They've played a big part in your life." She agreed tactfully.

"Not always good." He snorted. "Rarely good, in fact."

"Everything that has happened to you has made you the man that you are today." Kathryn told him.

He snorted again. "And the man I am today is what? A hermit? Someone that doesn't make any effort to move from his sofa? Someone that doesn’t know how he is going to survive the day let alone anything beyond that?"

Well, there was that.

"You're also kind and compassionate and caring. How you feel now doesn't define who you are, it's merely a bump in the road."

Chakotay ignored her compliments. "I took a vision quest the other day, after you left."

"Did it help?"

"My spirit guide told me to go away and come back when I'd stopped being such an idiot."

Kathryn decided that she really liked his spirit guide right now. "I think I told you something similar."

"You did." He agreed quietly and they lapsed into silence.

She let herself bask in the forgotten peace that he could bring her for a while longer before making her excuses and leaving.

Collapsing into bed, she wondered just what would happen next.

***

"We have cleared the expanse of theta radiation." Tuvok announced a four days later.

Kathryn was immeasurably grateful that he'd spoken before she'd nodded off in the Captain's chair and started snoring. "Still no explanation as to where the radiation was coming from?"

"No," Seven announced as she stood on the upper level of the Bridge, reading from the console in front of her. "We have been unable to find any source."

"So we should chalk it up to another charming factor of the Void?" Tom asked as he spun his chair around to face them.

Kathryn wondered when he’d get the idea to put the Ship on Auto Pilot and simply spend his duty shifts spinning around on the chair.

She wouldn’t admit to having been tempted to do it herself, once or twice of the past months.

"It appears so." She cocked her eyebrow and suppressed a smirk. "Anything on sensors?"

"No planets." Harry reported. "But long-range sensors aren't picking up nothing as they were. There is something out there, but we're having trouble determining what."

If the 'voidness' or the void was behind them, Kathryn thought that she might be willing to do another one, two or twelve of those potent little tequila shots in celebration.

"Let's get an away team together for a shuttle mission." She announced after a moment of thought.

It wasn't strictly the most effective way for them to gather information about what lay ahead of them - especially since Voyager was usually capable of maintaining a much faster warp speed - but it would give some people the chance at a little distraction.

The engineering team was currently doing routine maintenance on the warp core - which meant they had been forced to go to impulse for several hours - so, for the moment, a shuttle would be able to get further than Voyager in a few hours and gather some detailed long-range scans.

"Tom, Seven, why don't you two and B'Elanna prepare one of the shuttles and do a little scouting ahead?"

For a moment, Kathryn thought that Tom might wet himself with excitement, his eyes lit up so much.

"Really?"

"We need to know what's ahead." She nodded. "And Voyager is travelling at low-warp at the moment. I'd rather not have any unexpected surprised. Plot a flight plan that will give us some more information on what's out there."

He grinned. "Yes ma'am!"

***

As she stood in the transporter room, Kathryn frowned.

While the scouting mission had been a good idea and had lifted the spirits of everyone on the ship - just the knowledge that someone was finally doing something productive was enough, even if they weren't directly involved - had seemed like a good idea at the time, the shuttle had lost engine power for no apparent reason.

After the engineering team had declared it safe to go to warp four, it had taken Voyager almost two hours in their low-warp status to catch up to the Shuttle's position and, due to the low power of the transporters - apparently another lot of routine maintenance from the bored engineering staff - they were having trouble locking onto the signal of the four occupants of the shuttle.

"It's going to be a rough transport." Mulchaey admitted, fingers dancing over the console.

Kathryn nodded. "Energise."

"I'm having trouble separating their patterns."

"Reset the pattern buffers."

She watched the four people half-materialize on the transporter pad before disappearing again.

"The signals are clearing."

Their images half came through once more, disappeared again and finally cleared completely.

Kathryn smiled in relief at the away team. "Everyone all right?"

The Doctor frowned as he looked at the emitter on his shoulder. It was almost glowing. "My emitter... it's been damaged!"

"I'll transfer your program back to Sickbay." B'Elanna announced, moving to the transporter controls as Mulchaey quickly jumped out of her way. "Hold on a moment."

He disappeared from the pad.

"Sickbay to transporter room one. Report."

B'Elanna frowned at the display in front of her. "It looks like some of your emitter circuits were fused during transport."

Kathryn shared a confused look with her.

Was that even possible?

"Can you repair it?" The Doctor's voice was anxious.

B'Elanna nodded, but she knew that he couldn't see it. "Most likely. I'll need to run a diagnostic."

"Most likely?" It came through as a squeak.

"Relax, Doctor. I’ll keep you posted." B'Elanna shrugged a little as she closed the link. "Well, we all wanted something to do. I guess the engineering staff are going to love me today."

***

As she stepped onto the Bridge the next morning to relieve Harry, Kathryn smiled her greeting. "Good morning."

Seven moved across the Bridge to join them before Harry could respond. "That remains to be seen."

Did she just growl? "Problem?"

"The proximity transceiver in my cranial implant has been activated. That could indicate a Borg presence nearby."

"In the void?" Kathryn raised her eyebrow sceptically. "Maybe it's a false alarm. Your transceiver could be malfunctioning."

"It is possible."

Possibly a false alarm but certainly not something that they could afford to be cocky about.

They may have been well beyond Borg space but that didn't mean that they were never going to run into another cube, even in the middle of the void, and if they weren't prudent, that could mean their particularly painful demise.

Kathryn frowned. "Harry?"

He frowned. "I've been running sensor sweeps all night long. I haven't seen anything."

Pausing for a moment, she turned her attention back to Seven. "Why don't you pay a visit to Sickbay and let the Doctor check your transceiver. In the meantime, we'll redouble our scans. Just to be sure."

"Very well."

"I'll get more scans underway." Harry told her.

Kathryn hated to admit it, but the situation almost made her smile.

It looked like today would be the first truly eventful day of the void and she knew that just the excited buzz that floated through the ship would be enough to make them all a little happier.

She'd only been sitting in the Captains chair for a few moments when Harry's voice rang out.

"Looks like someone's rerouting power from the warp conduits."

Kathryn frowned. "To where?"

Surely there were only so many times that the engineering staff could ‘tweak’ the same systems?

"Deck eight, section twenty two. The science lab."

She tapped her comm. badge. "Bridge to science lab. Mulchaey, respond." No response. She turned her head to ops. "Harry?"

"Sensors are being deflected by some kind of force field." He frowned and then gasped. "Kathryn, the force field has a Borg signature."

Crap!

"Red alert." Their first in months. "Tuvok, take a security team to the science lab. Kathryn to Seven of Nine, looks like you were right. We've detected Borg on the ship. Deck eight, science lab."

Where the hell had they come from?

"How many drones?"

"Unknown, Tuvok's headed there now."

"I will join him." Seven cut the link and Kathryn sat back with a frown on her face, waiting.

***

Kathryn stared at the drone in the makeshift maturation chamber. "Where did he come from?"

"I believe it was created here in the science lab. When the away team beamed back to Voyager there was a transporter malfunction. Our patterns merged briefly. It is possible that some of my nanoprobes infected the Doctor's mobile emitter." Seven explained.

Apparently, that one small drone in the jury-rigged maturation chamber was what had been their 'Borg invasion' that had sent the crew into a mild - though welcomed, in an odd way - panic.

Tuvok raised an eyebrow, apparently unsurprised by what he was seeing. "They began to assimilate."

"Yes." Seven nodded. "Nanoprobes are encoded to utilize any technology they encounter in order to spread. Once it assimilated the emitter, it began to transform this diagnostic station to its advantage. When Mulchaey entered the room, they sampled his DNA."

Kathryn frowned.

Mulchaey hadn't survived whatever it was that the... thing had done to him.

"Using his genetic code as a template to create a life form." She nodded, pushing away the images that sprang forth.

"This drone's maturation rate is twenty five times that of a conventional Borg." Seven added.

"Tuvok, erect a level ten force field around this section. Post round the clock security."

There was no way in hell she was going to let this thing run loose in the science lab, or anywhere else it chose to ‘assimilate’ to.

"You intend to let it mature?"

"The alternative is to pull the plug, and I'm not prepared to do that." At least, not yet. "Not unless I have to. Resume your analysis. I want to know exactly what we're dealing with here." Kathryn paused. "Or should I say whom?"

Seven nodded. "Understood."

***

As Kathryn read over the PADD in her hand, she couldn't help but think that, despite her desperation for something to keep her occupied, this was not what she wanted to be dealing with.

They were all bored silly, they were all frustrated and they were all worried about the Captain, but an expediently growing Borg drone wasn't what any of them had wished for.

Sighing, she read the schematics aloud. "Reactive body armour? Multidimensional adaptability? Internal transporter nodes?"

"The drone possesses superior technology. It will fully mature in less than two hours. However, its Borg shielding is not yet active. We can still terminate it, but we must act quickly."

It was almost nice to know that Seven would be on board with a termination if it became necessary.

"Hold on a minute, Seven. I want some answers first. What normally happens when a drone disengages from the maturation chamber?"

"It awaits instructions from the Collective."

Kathryn could almost feel the cogs in her mind turning over in response to her words. "So, without those instructions, it has no designation, correct? No purpose."

Seven nodded once. "Correct."

"If we can keep him from interfacing with the Collective, maybe we can give him a purpose." Seven's face reflected confusion and she continued, "This is the most advanced drone ever to exist. We could teach him our values, Seven. We could show him what it means to be an individual."

"If we fail, if the drone were to be assimilated, the Collective would become far more powerful."

While Seven had a very valid point, Kathryn couldn't help but wonder how things on Voyager would change - and, perhaps, be made easier - by the existence of a drone that was shaped with their ideals.

If they could 'program' him, for want of a better term, to their way of thinking, he could be a valuable asset.

While there was little doubt that Seven was unique, she was far more human than Borg thanks to the Doctor’s efforts.

A fully assimilated Borg drone working from them could definitely come in handy the next time they ran into a species that wasn’t keen on the idea of Voyager passing through their system.

"What's the alternative? Murder? As I recall, Seven, there were a few crew members who had similar doubts about you."

Kathryn raised her eyebrow pointedly, remembering the conversations - arguments - that she'd had with Chakotay about Seven joining their crew.

"The situation is different."

"Is it really? A Borg drone disconnected from the collective, unsure of its identity and its purpose. A potential threat, but we succeeded in making her human, part of this crew. We're going to pull the same trick again, only this time you're going to be the teacher."

"I am to instruct the drone in the ways of humanity?"

Kathryn hadn't thought Seven capable of incredulity before now.

Another milestone, apparently.

She grinned. "Think of it as first contact and you are our ambassador."

***

"Chakotay."

He looked up at the sound of her voice. "Kathryn."

She hadn't seen him in a few days, not since she'd ordered the away mission and his still-pale face made her wince.

He was loosing weight, even though she knew from his replicator account that he had eaten a few times in the last week and, by the looks of him, he had made the effort to shower on a more regular basis as well.

While the Doctor was reluctant for him to be left alone, especially since he still hadn't agreed to an examination, they realistically knew that keeping someone with the Captain full-time was out of the question.

He wouldn't allow it and Kathryn thought that ordering him to do it would simply make him resist their help at all.

Right now, he was content to at least speak with her on occasion and Kathryn wasn't going to ask for much more than that at this point. He was making steps in the right direction.

Small ones, but steps nonetheless.

She also knew that he had finally answered a hail from B'Elanna - after months of trying on her part - and spoken with her for a few minutes, so she was content to let him 'recover' at his own pace, for now.

Kathryn knew that depression wasn't something that he was simply going to snap out of, as much as they all wished that it worked that way.

Both the Doctor and Kes had warned her that this was likely to be something that he carried with him for the rest of his life. There was always going to be a part of him that wanted to let himself sink into a black hole of despair.

With all of the emotional baggage that he carried, Kathryn was unsurprised.

"I was wondering if you'd like to join me for dinner in the mess hall?" She asked every time she saw him.

"No, thank you." He answered the same every time, too.

It didn’t stop her trying, though.

"How are you?"

"Fine."

She asked that every time as well and Kathryn knew that, one day, his answer would change.

"We're having an interesting time on the Ship," She told him as she moved further into the room to stand in front of his coffee table, trying to keep her voice light as she spoke. "We've gained a new crewmember."

She waited for some sort of reaction - and she was honestly expecting anger that she had brought someone aboard without his approval - but he simply shrugged and nodded once.

"I see."

"A Borg drone." She continued.

He didn't really have a reaction to that, either. "I didn't realize that they were occupying the void."

Depression had, apparently, decided to share its hold on him with apathy.

At the very least, his apathy matched that of the crew’s and Kathryn had been seeing and living with theirs for months, so it was almost comfortable to see it in Chakotay.

"He was created two days ago by a transporter accident that merged the Doctor's mobile emitter and Seven's nanoprobes to create a new drone." She wasn't going to tell him about Mulchaey's death, not yet.

Kathryn was very well aware that he was balancing on the edge of a high cliff and she wasn't prepared to offer up anything that could send him over.

"I didn't know that was possible."

"Neither did we." She assured him. "But Seven is trying to teach him the value's of humanity. Hopefully, he will be more like us than his former 'family.'"

"Will it work?"

"I don't know." Kathryn admitted. She paused for a moment, watching as he thought over what she had said. "What do you think?"

He shrugged again. The thinking was, apparently, over. "I trust your judgement."

She could live with that as an answer.

***

As they sat in the middle of the Wildman Quarters, four year old Naomi looked at her with wide, curious eyes. "Is the Captain sad?"

Despite her latest change in job title, Kathryn had made the effort to spend time with her goddaughter while the capable crew handled the running of the ship - which, at this point, basically meant ensuring that nothing broke down.

Since, in the void, they were fairly unlikely to meet any aggressors, she wasn't strictly required to sit on the Bridge all day, doing nothing but getting a numb ass for her troubles.

Aside from the Borg drone that Seven was teaching, there wasn't a whole lot going on.

Which meant that she had nothing to do.

What better way to pass some time than to spend it with Voyager’s most charming young lady?

As she past the time away with Naomi, the crew were exchanging duty shifts with other departments, as they'd discussed in a briefing earlier in the month, but it had been left unsaid that no one wanted the Captain's chair, not until they could trade their shift with the man who should have been there.

Smiling down at the innocent face looking up at her, Kathryn stroked Naomi's golden hair. "Yes, sweetheart, he's a little sad."

Despite her young age, Naomi was a very perceptive and intelligent little girl and she'd grown up much faster - thanks partly to her isolation from other children and partly to her mixed heritage - than a normal human child would have.

"Will he be happy again?"

Naomi always wanted to make everyone feel better and Kathryn kissed the top of her head affectionately.

"He will, but it will take some time."

Her little face turned serious for a moment. "Should I draw him a picture to make him feel better?"

Nodding, Kathryn reached for the box of colouring pens that were on the table. "I think that's a great idea."

***

Kathryn stood in the Cargo bay as she eyed the regenerating drone.

Since he had fully matured - in less than three days - to the point of being the equivalent of an adult male, they had activated a second Borg alcove for his use in the Cargo Bay.

Seven had worked with him in private for almost four whole days, with the aid of her own mentor Kes, before she'd called Kathryn to the Cargo Bay to formally 'meet' the newest addition to the crew.

The computer called out the completion of the regeneration cycle and Kathryn watched as the drone stepped forward.

Unlike Seven, who had undergone extensive surgeries and now wore civilian clothing over a medical garment, the drone looked like any other that you could find on a Borg cube and Kathryn was momentarily startled until he spoke.

"Greetings. Our designation, my designation is One." He cocked his head to the side. "How are you today?"

"I'm just fine, thank you." She turned to Seven, an eyebrow raised questioningly. "One?"

"He requested a designation. One seemed appropriate."

Of course it did.

Nodding, she turned back to face the drone as he stared at her expectantly. "And how are you today, One?"

"Well. Thank you, Kathryn Janeway."

How exactly did one make small talk with a Borg drone? "Are you adapting to life on Voyager?"

"Yes. To date I've assimilated forty seven billion terraquads of information on a vast variety of subjects, including particle physics, comparative humanoid anatomy, warp field theory, and the culinary delights of the Delta quadrant."

"Mister Neelix." Seven explained at her confused look. "They have been spending time together."

Kathryn wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

"Is your assessment of me complete? Am I sufficient?"

She blinked in surprise.

It seemed their newest crewmember was nervous about her approval.

"Why, yes. More than sufficient. In fact, I'd say you were making excellent progress.” She smiled gently. “And this isn't an assessment, One, I simply wanted to meet you."

"With your permission, I would like to be excused. I have agreed to assist B'Elanna Torres in engineering. She wishes to increase the efficiency of the Bussard collectors."

"Permission granted." She nodded and watched silently as he walked out of the Cargo Bay before turning back to Seven with a wide smile. "You’ve done a wonderful job."

"Thank you."

"Not only has he absorbed an incredible amount of knowledge in a matter of days,” She continued, “but he seems to be fitting in with the crew and developing a distinct personality."

B'Elanna had complimented his intelligence the day before and that was saying something.

"He is adapting quickly."

Kathryn nodded and studied her face for a moment. "Then why do I get the feeling something's bothering you?"

"He's been expressing curiosity about the Borg."

"Ah. And you're worried that if he learns about them he may be drawn to the Collective."

Seven frowned. "Yes."

"Maybe we should tell him what he wants to know. I'd rather he learn about the Borg from us than the Collective."

If he decided to take over the Ship and try to find the collective, Kathryn wasn't sure that they would be able to stop him.

Along with being extremely intelligent, he was extremely strong.

Those, coupled with Borg thinking, could land them into a lot of hot water if they weren’t careful.

"The lure of perfection is powerful. He may be tempted to seek out the Borg. That would pose a grave tactical risk."

"Well, we can delay telling him for now, but keep in mind the drone is becoming an individual." She paused and frowned. "Seven, he has the right to know. Sooner or later, we'll have to answer his questions."

***

They had officially reached the half-way mark of the void.

One hundred and eighty two days.

It didn't seem like very long but, on the other hand, it seemed like a lifetime had dragged out, second by second, and Kathryn wondered how the crew would make it through another hundred and eighty two days.

While the crew had, over time, found a way to keep the days and nights as interesting as possible for themselves, there was still their errant Captain to worry about.

He had made progress. He certainly wasn't the despondent man that had sat on his couch for who knew how many days straight, staring out the window and ignoring all attempts that Kathryn made to converse with him.

She had made it part of her routine to, if not see him, at least speak with him once a day.

Kathryn could easily admit to herself that part of her was worried that he would do something drastic, even as he 'recovered.'

She hadn't voiced that fear to the Doctor yet.

But even when his voice was flat and lifeless - as it had been weeks earlier when she'd relieved him of command - she was relieved just to hear him answer her hails or the door chime.

While, after all of the time they'd been in the void, he showed no signs of wanting to leave his Quarters, he also showed no signs of sinking further into the depression that had gripped him and Kathryn thought that, in this case, no news was definitely good news.

Tom suggested another party in the mess hall, to mark the passing of "half the little journey inside the big journey."

Kathryn said yes; she knew how much the crew would enjoy it.

She had hoped that it would be a nice way to draw Chakotay out but he had passed on her invitation to attend with her.

But he'd paused for a moment, clearly considering it.

That pause had given her some hope, but he'd still said no.

While the party was mainly a celebration of their achievement, it also had the potential to be One's first official interaction with the crew in a social setting after he had spent weeks integrating himself into their family.

Kathryn had promised Seven that she would attend and, hopefully, smooth over any residual hostilities that people may have harboured towards the Borg contingent of the Voyager crew, not that she expected much from the open-minded people that she called her friends.

Sighing, Kathryn opened her wardrobe and hunted for a dress to wear.

***

Kathryn had only been at the party for a few moments - though she had already declined three tequila shots and something potentially life endangering called a 'lip, sip, suck' - when Seven hailed her and requested her immediate presence in the Cargo Bay.

Entering, her dress moving against her knees, Kathryn frowned. "What's the matter?"

"One transmitted a Borg proximity signal."

Crap.

Kathryn’s gaze hardened as she looked at One, regenerating in his alcove. "Wake him."

Seven punched a few commands into the console and the computer announced that the regeneration cycled hadn't been completed as One opened his eyes and stepped forward.

"You contacted the Collective." Seven accused.

"No."

Kathryn wondered if Borg were programmed to lie from 'birth' or if it was a by-product of his studies of humanity. "Check his transceiver."

"You deactivated my transceiver two days ago." He cocked his head to the side in confusion.

Ignoring the drone's words, Seven stepped up to him and inspected the back of his neck. "It appears your cranial implants have adapted and created a secondary transceiver."

"A Borg fail-safe device." Kathryn summarized.

Part of her was surprised that they hadn’t considered his body capable of adapting, especially given his unusual creation.

"Precisely."

Kathryn tapped her comm. badge and called the Bridge, unsurprised to find Tuvok one of the only members not attending the party. "One activated a Borg transceiver. Have you detected any vessels?"

The link was quiet for a moment as he checked the sensor logs. "Long range sensors are detecting a transwarp conduit."

They may have been in the middle of the void, but Kathryn knew that if the Borg picked up on One's unusual signal, the collective wouldn't hesitate to investigate and there was no way that she was going to let that happen.

"Is there a ship on the way?"

"There are no Borg cubes on sensors." Tuvok paused. "However, that does not mean that they will not come."

"The Borg?" One repeated.

Seven nodded. "Yes."

"I wish to meet them."

Kathryn sighed; she had known that this would happen sooner or later.

"Seven, I think it's well and truly time that you showed our drone what the Borg are all about."

***

Several hours, long after her shift had ended and the party had finished, Kathryn quietly entered the Cargo bay again.

Kes and Seven were standing by the regeneration alcoves, deep in conversation.

She was tempted to interrupt them and make sure that Seven was OK - thought she imagined that the answer would have something to do with adapting - but Kathryn didn't feel like it was her place.

Turning, she quickly exited the Cargo Bay again and began the walk back to her quarters, taking the long route for a change.

Despite their best attempts to convince him otherwise, One had activated a link with the Borg collective, using his advanced long-range transceiver.

He was like a child, curious about the things he didn't understand and thirsty for knowledge, forever asking ‘why’ and never satisfied with the answers of the wiser adults around him.

Seven had been right; perfection was an attractive pull and the Borg certainly offered that.

After One had reached out to better understand the history of a race that equally scared and fascinated so many, a transwarp conduit had opened in the middle of the Void.

They had been lucky - and that was all it was; pure luck - that no cubes had appeared.

Initially, when One had expressed his desire to learn about the Borg, Kathryn had given Seven permission to expose him to the very things they'd tried to shield him from.

Linking herself to him, Seven had given One access to all of the knowledge that she possessed from the Borg.

Billions of memories of assimilation, death, destruction and pain had flooded his - effectively - young mind in a rush and, after only a few moments, he had terminated their link and then terminated his life.

One had only been with them for a relatively short amount of time but, in those few weeks, he had managed to make himself part of the crew.

B'Elanna had even moved from calling him intelligent to competent and that said it all for his status on the ship, really.

Sighing, Kathryn continued her walk, acknowledging to herself that it had turned into more of an aimless stroll.

Now that One was gone, she was concerned about the potential fall out.

Aside from the fact that Chakotay had still yet to emerge from his Quarters, and their continued worry about that fact, the crew had been able to keep themselves distracted for a while by One's appearance.

Without knowing it, One had given them all something new to talk about, a newly welcomed thing to distract them.

And now he was gone.

On a more personal level, beyond his 'death', Kathryn was feeling listless.

Months of running the ship - unofficially at first and then formally taking it over - had taken its toll on her body.

Constantly worrying for the crew and Chakotay had worn down her emotional reserves in a way she hadn’t imagined possible.

She wasn't sleeping well and the hours of insomnia just added to the hours of boredom in the day.

Sighing again, Kathryn turned down the hall that housed her Quarters and numbly headed home, anticipating another night of staring at the ceiling.

***

Tom tapped the display console on the wall of the briefing room and grinned as the schematics of a model shuttle spun in circles. "I give you the Delta Flyer. Ultra-aerodynamic contours, retractable nacelles, parametallic hull plating, Unimatrix shielding based on Tuvok's brilliant design for the multi-spatial probe we have, and a Borg-inspired weapons system."

"You want to build this?" Kathryn asked.

He nodded. "We do."

"The basic design elements are adequate." Seven offered.

"High praise." Tom grinned.

Harry frowned as he watched the display. "If we used isomagnetic EPS conduits in the plasma manifold we could maximise the power distribution."

"That's the spirit, Harry."

"My shield designs could be successfully applied to a vessel of this size."

"Big of you to admit it, Tuvok."

Tom was clearly taken with the idea.

And, judging by the curiosity in the eyes of the senior staff, it looked like he wasn’t the only one.

"What inspired this desire to build a new shuttle?" Kathryn watched the display spinning and had to admit that even she was impressed.

"Something B'Elanna said during out scouting mission," Tom replied. "About how the shuttles we have aren't exactly built for comfort with away teams of more than two or three people."

Class 3 claustrophobia. She huffed to herself, remembering the training she - and every other cadet - had gone through at the Academy.

"It's an interesting design." Kathryn admitted. "Download the schematics to a PADD. I'll look it over and get back to you."

If nothing else, building a shuttle would give several members of the crew something to do for a while - and it would give the rest of the crew something else to talk about - and it would be a nice distraction from the surprising pain that came from the loss of One.

Tom handed her a PADD that already held the schematics and winked when she smiled and shook her head slightly.

Typical Tom Paris.

"Are you going to take this to the Captain?"

Despite the fact that she had been sitting in the Captain's Chair for well over two months, every member of the crew still thought of Chakotay as 'The Captain' and Kathryn was glad.

Taking the design to him for approval hadn't been her plan, but now that Tom mentioned it, when she considered the somewhat successful conversation she'd had with the Captain after the addition of 'One' to the crew, maybe a little more Ships business would help.

God knew it certainly couldn't hurt.

Kathryn nodded, the decision made. "Yes, I am. I'll let you know what the decision is when he and I have talked it over."

***

"It's an interesting design." Chakotay acknowledged.

"That's what I thought."

"Though I'm not sure why you're showing me." He raised an eyebrow. "I'm not the Captain."

"Yes." She countered quickly. "You are."

"Kathryn, you relieved me of command."

The sleep deprivation and the bad eating habits she had developed attested to his words.

She really didn't need a reminder.

"I know. But that's not a permanent thing, I hope."

"Me too." It was the first positive thing that Chakotay had said in almost five months. "I think it's a good idea."

"I agree."

"It will give Tom something to do and it will keep him occupied. Occupied means not causing trouble and that can’t be a bad thing."

Kathryn had thought the same. "So I should give them the OK to start replicating the materials?"

He nodded. "As long as they don't use too much of our replicator power. We can't exactly re-fuel, so we really have to ration what we have so it will last another six months. Tell him to recycle what he can before he turns to the replicators. He could probably scrounge some parts from what’s left of the Liberty."

Kathryn tried to hold her grin as his practical statement, but she didn't think that she succeeded.

It was the first reason she'd had to smile in months and she was going to take it.

After everything - Chakotay's continuing depression, the crew's boredom, One, the potential threat of encountering the Borg, even in the Void, and the tedium of life in general - she hadn't found enough time for herself.

She knew that she was neglecting her own body's needs - though not in the same way that Chakotay was - and it was certainly making its protests known, but any time that hadn't been dedicated to the Ship and Crew morale was spent either with Chakotay or worrying about Chakotay.

Over six months solid of that pattern had taken their toll and she was ready to drop where she stood and sleep for a week, blocking out the world and everything else in it that was quickly pushing her to her limit.

"You look tired." He said suddenly, breaking her thoughts.

Kathryn blinked.

Chakotay hadn't commented - or appeared to notice - anything about her since they entered the Void.

"I am." She finally admitted.

He frowned. "Are you sleeping enough? Eating properly?"

Kathryn snorted at the irony of him of all people lecturing her about looking after herself, but she didn't respond.

He nodded, clearly able to interoperate the snort for what it was and, reaching out, Chakotay took her hand. "I'm not always going to be like this."

Tears pricked at her eyes. "I know."

She squeezed his hand.

***

Strangely, Kathryn thought, a lull in activity had been just what they needed.

While the void was slowly driving them all insane in one form or another, a lot of that had to do with the fact that while nothing was happening outside, they had no way to distract themselves from their own emotional baggage.

And we all certainly have enough of that, She mused with a small, accepting smile.

As she made her way from the Bridge back to her Quarters for the night, she couldn't help but appreciate the eight hours she'd spent on the Bridge, steadily working herself towards a numb ass.

Despite the creeping insanity that the void steadily offered them, the events of the previous few weeks with One had definitely made everyone long for the previously hated tedium.

There's just no pleasing some of us.

"Kathryn!"

Turning, she smiled as Tom picked up the pace in his steps to catch up to her. "Evening Tom."

"Are you off duty?"

"Yes." She smiled as they continued down the corridor. "You?"

"Mmm." He nodded.

"Tom, is everything OK?"

He smiled brightly. "Sure, of course."

"Tom."

"I'm a little worried about B'Elanna." He finally admitted with a sigh, his voice low. "She seems… off lately."

"She's bored." Kathryn replied automatically. "We all are. And there are only so many times that she can pull engineering apart and put it back together again."

At least, Kathryn hoped that there were only so many times.

"I know that she's bored, we all are. But she seems so... distant."

Kathryn frowned. "Did you two have a fight?"

He shook his head and scratched at the back of his neck. "Not unless I had my body stolen by an alien again and don’t know about it."

"Don't even joke!" She laughed. "Seriously, Tom, maybe it's just the void catching up with her. God knows we're all feeling the strain."

"I know. I'm just worried."

Kathryn touched his arm. "Do you want me to talk to her?"

"If you wouldn't mind... you guys are close."

"I'm having lunch with her tomorrow," At least, she was now. "I'll talk to her then for you."

***

"Kathryn?"

Turning at the sound of Kes' soft voice, Kathryn smiled tiredly. "Kes."

"May I speak with you a moment?"

The young woman - though Kathryn mused that she was actually approaching middle age now in terms of human years - looked agitated.

Nodding, Kathryn nodded to the Ready Room doors. "Of course."

They walked across the Bridge and met at the doors, entering together.

Kathryn turned to face her. "Is everything OK?"

"I'm concerned about B'Elanna." Kes admitted. "She's feeling great pain and I think she's taking some unnecessary risks in her holodeck time."

Frowning, Kathryn gestured to the sofa and they moved across the room together. "How do you know that?"

She had planned to contact B'Elanna and organize to have lunch with her, giving them a chance to talk.

"The pain that she feels isn't emotional, it's physical. I have spoken with Vorik and he said that she's not been in any accidents in engineering, but she has been using the new holodeck a lot."

Kathryn knew that there hadn't been any incidents in engineering too; a report was always filed whenever someone was injured and she hadn't received any word.

Even if B’Elanna hadn’t reported it, one of the crew would have.

"How long have you sensed this from her?"

"A few days. At first, I thought it was nothing, but this morning I noticed a bruise on her neck. When I asked her about it, she said that she'd hurt herself in engineering, but..."

"But there's been no accidents." Kathryn finished for her with a sigh. "Have you sensed anything else? Any reason for this?"

"It's difficult." Kes admitted. "She keeps a tight reign on all of her emotions except anger, but I don't even feel that." She closed her eyes for a long moment. "Grief is there, but I don't know why."

Kathryn did.

And she knew that she wasn't going to be able to help her alone.

***

"Kathryn to Chakotay."

He wasn't answering her hails and he wasn't answering his door and the constant feeling of worry that she'd carried for months intensified.

Frowning, Kathryn keyed in the override code and entered.

His living room was empty and her frown deepened.

Without thinking, she moved towards the bedroom and almost collided with him as he came out of the bathroom, towel slung low on his hips and drops of water still clinging to him.

"Kathryn?"

"I..." She coughed, firmly reminding herself that this was not the time to stand around appreciating what was on display. Later, however, could be a different story. "B'Elanna needs your help."

Despite the last six months that he'd spend in isolation, Kathryn had no doubts that Chakotay would have been out in the hall in a shot if something had happened to someone he cared about.

Since she had relieved him of command, he'd been taking small steps towards making something akin to a recovery.

Kathryn knew that asking what she was about to ask was probably pushing him too far, too fast, but after the holodeck logs that she'd spent the last three hours pouring over, horrified, she didn't have much of a choice.

B'Elanna was his oldest friend on this Ship and she knew that he would do whatever he could, depression be damned, to help her.

He frowned. "What's wrong with B'Elanna?"

***

Kathryn stood back in the shadows of the holodeck program, her stomach churning at the sigh of the slaughtered around her.

Bodies littered the floor of the cave, some with limbs missing, some surrounded in pools of their own blood.

The massacre before her made the bile rise in her throat as it threatened to violently escape, but she pushed it down as she focused on the two other occupants of the holodeck.

"Oh, I recognise them all." Chakotay was saying, nodding to the bodies on the ground as he cited their names. "Meyer. Nelson. Sahreen. You created a program specifically to watch all our Maquis friends get slaughtered! What I want to know is why!"

B'Elanna looked across to where Kathryn was standing.

"The logs show you only ran this program for forty seven seconds the day after Chakotay gave you the news about the massacre." Kathryn told her quietly, meeting her eyes.

"Then you shut it down and started running the most dangerous programs you could find, with the safeties off." Chakotay continued. "Why?"

"This is ridiculous." B'Elanna snapped, turning on her heel as she walked to the exit. "I'm leaving."

"Computer, seal the doors." Kathryn ordered automatically.

B'Elanna growled in frustration, turning back to them angrily. "You can't do this!"

"The hell we can't! You're not going anywhere until you tell me what's going on." Chakotay’s voice softened. "B'Elanna, why are you intentionally trying to hurt yourself?"

For a moment, Kathryn wondered if she was going to lash out and hit him.

"I don't know." B'Elanna finally admitted after a pause.

"Are you trying to commit suicide?" Kathryn asked, her stomach stopping its somersaults to clench in fear.

It was enough that she had spent months worrying that suicide was Chakotay's ultimate plan, she didn't know if she could handle the thought that one of her closest female friends was also travelling down that road.

"No."

B'Elanna's quiet answer was enough to still the nausea.

"Then why?"

"Because..." She frowned. "Because if I sprain my ankle, then at least I feel something."

Chakotay gave her a funny look, confused. "What do you mean?"

"I am not trying to kill myself," B'Elanna explained. "I'm trying to see if I'm still alive."

"I don't understand."

Neither did Kathryn.

"When you look at those corpses, how do you feel?"

"Sad. Angry." He paused for a beat. "Maybe a little guilty that I wasn't there to die with them."

His words hurt to hear, but Kathryn couldn't say that she was surprised, not in the slightest.

"Not me.” B'Elanna shrugged. “I don't feel anything at all."

"B'Elanna, the Maquis were like our adopted family. I can understand you trying to block out that kind of pain, everyone knows I've tried."

"You don't understand." She shook her head. "It's not just the pain or the boredom of the void. I don't feel anything. Not about my dead friends, not about Tom, you, my job."

"Maybe you're afraid if you let yourself start to feel something you might not be able to stop. You can't just shut off your emotions, B'Elanna." Kathryn wondered, silently, if this was going to make him practise what he preached beyond their little 'intervention.' "Sooner or later, you are going to have to let yourself grieve for them."

"Why? Just so I can go through it all over again?

Kathryn frowned. "What are you talking about?"

"When I was six, my father walked out on me. When I was nineteen, I got kicked out of Starfleet. A few years later, I got mixed in with a bunch of ex-Starfleet officers as we tried to find our way home. And just when I was starting to feel safe, you tell me that all of our old friends have been slaughtered." She shrugged. "The way I figure it, I've lost every family I've ever had."

Chakotay took a step closer to her. "B'Elanna, you have a new family now, here on Voyager and you're not going to lose us."

"You're stuck with us." Kathryn added with a small smile.

"You can't promise me that."

"No, I suppose I can't." He shrugged. "Losing people is inevitable, and sometimes it happens sooner than we expect. But I can promise you that the people on this ship aren't about to let you stop living your life or break your neck on the Holodeck. You're going to have to find another way to deal with this."

"I don't know how." She admitted quietly.

"We'll figure it out."

"Together." Kathryn added.

B'Elanna looked unconvinced for a moment before she nodded slowly. "I should go and find Tom."

"Good idea." Kathryn agreed. "He's worried about you."

Nodding again, B'Elanna turned and left.

Kathryn stood in the middle of the cave with Chakotay as he quietly called for the computer to shut down the program.

She turned to face him, folding her arms across her chest. "It applies to you too, you know."

"What does?"

"What you said to B'Elanna." She watched him intently. "The people on this ship aren't about to let you stop living your life or fade away to nothing in your Quarters. I'm not willing."

She’d given him as much time as he seemed to want but Kathryn knew that there had to be a limit to how much isolation his mind could take.

"I know you've been patient with me."

Kathryn shook her head. "It's not about patience."

He shrugged. "Then I know you've done your best to resist the urge to deck me and I appreciate that."

"Well, yes, I... did you just make a joke?"

"Don't look so surprised."

It was hard not too, after the last months.

"Would you like your chair back?"

It was probably a lot to ask, given that this was the first time he'd actually left his Quarters in months, but Kathryn didn't really know what else to say to him at this point.

"Not yet." He shook his head. "But... soon."

She was OK with that.

***

It wasn't so much that she had expected their little intervention to miraculously cure both B'Elanna and Chakotay at the same time - though two birds with one stone, as they say, would have been nice - but she had hoped that it would be a good step forward in the continuation of his recovery.

As she watched him now, though, pushing the food around his plate, Kathryn couldn't help but wonder if anything had changed at all or if forcing him to leave his Quarters had been the wrong thing to do.

It was easy to tell herself that forcing the issue had been the only choice left to help B'Elanna and, for that reason alone she would do it again, but she had to wonder if it had done more harm than good for their Captain.

They'd staged the intervention over a week ago and this was the first time she had seen him since then.

He had reverted back to ignoring her chimes and hails - though she hadn't forcibly entered his Quarters unannounced again for fear of finding him in a towel or less - and the fact that he had agreed to her suggestion of a quiet dinner had surprised her.

Pleasantly so, of course, but the awkward silence was beginning to eat away at her.

Part of her thought that she should say something - anything - to him about what had happened on the holodeck, but another part of her didn’t really want to open a potential can of worms.

He'd been making slow, steady progress over the previous few months and the idea that their recent problems with B'Elanna could have halted that tentative progress made her nauseas.

Frowning, Kathryn pushed the food around her own plate as she watched him.

While the progress that he had made - the regular showering was among her favourites of his recent achievements - she was still concerned by the fact that he didn't appear to care about getting out of his Quarters or getting his Captaincy back.

She had offered more than once for him to re-take his position, but each time he'd said that he wasn't ready.

While she appreciated the honesty, she had to wonder if he would ever be ready or if he had sunk so low that he couldn't get himself out of the whole and he didn't want their help.

Though, she admitted to herself that his most recent response of ‘soon’ to her offer had lit a spark of hope.

When she couldn't stand the silence anymore, she finally coughed once to clear her throat and spoke. "B'Elanna is doing better."

"I'm glad." He nodded and then frowned, carefully inspecting his dinner before finally looking up to meet her eyes. "I wanted to apologise to you."

"About?"

Chakotay coughed, looking uncomfortable. "About the things I said about our relationship."

"Oh."

Of all the things she'd expected him to be sorry for, that hadn’t been at the top of the list.

"I should have accused you of stringing me along."

"I understand."

At least, part of her did.

Their relationship had always been up and down and, while she was usually sure that they had potential, there were times when she wondered.

There were times when she was glad that they hadn't crossed the line from friends to lovers but, up until the void, those times had begun to seem further and further apart.

There were times when she appreciated the non-biased judgments that they could offer each other and there were times when she had thought herself a royal idiot for not jumping him the first chance she’d had.

When they had entered the void and Chakotay had slipped further and further into his depression, Kathryn had wondered on more than one occasion if things would have been different if they'd been involved.

Would her prescience in his life and in his bed made any difference?

Or would she have been weighed down with grief for Roshan right along with him?

She didn't know and it bothered her.

"Don't you ever just get sick of fighting it?" He asked, startling her out of her thoughts.

"Sick of fighting what?"

"Us."

He's never been quite so blunt about it before and, for a moment, Kathryn wasn't quite sure what to say.

Though he had been right in what he had said to her - it was an ego-boost to know that he wanted her - and she couldn't deny that the thrill of being chased did made her feel good about herself on more than one occasion, she knew that they weren't the reasons she held back.

She was tired of fighting her attraction to him but that didn't chase away her fears.

On the flip side of that coin, she had to wonder if offering herself to him in any capacity right now would help or hinder his recovery.

Would the potential of something more with her prompt him to work through his own issues quickly or would it simply make him complacent with his life? Would he be content to play 'house-husband' if she stopped pushing the issue of his Captaincy and let him?

"Sometimes, it seems like a lot of work." She finally admitted, biting her bottom lip. "But I like to think that everything happens, or doesn't as the case may be, for a reason."

Dropping his fork onto the plate, Chakotay sat back and folded his arms. "And you think that we should be apart for what reason, exactly?"

His posture was slightly stand-offish, but his face showed nothing but genuine curiosity.

"Is this really a conversation you want to have now?" She asked, dropping her own fork.

"Why not now?"

Kathryn grimaced. "You're not exactly at your best."

"And why not?"

"Well..." She looked around his Quarters helplessly.

Though they had been immaculate in the beginning of their time in the Void, when Chakotay had been content to waste away on the sofa, there were now items out of place.

Obviously boredom was beginning to hit him, along with depression, and Kathryn thought that, perhaps, that could be a good sign.

Perhaps.

"Well?" Chakotay repeated, raising an eyebrow.

"You've left your Quarters once in the last seven months." It was, perhaps, a little harsher than she'd intended, but the months of stress and worry were catching up quickly. "You basically left the crew to fend for themselves and I don't care how capable they are of it, they are your crew. You can't expect them to put their lives on hold while you wallow in self-pity."

"I haven't been wallowing." He protested.

Kathryn snorted. "Really? Then what the hell would you call it?"

"Grieving."

"You don't express your grief by hiding out!"

"Alright then, Miss Expert, how do you deal with it?" Chakotay raised an eyebrow.

"You let the people who love you help." Kathryn replied automatically. "You don't shut them out, you don't ignore their attempts to contact you, you don't dismiss them and you sure as hell don't get angry with them!" Even though that was exactly what she was doing.

Kathryn blew out a long breath when the anger left her in a rush, as quickly as it had boiled up.

"And do you?"

Cocking her head to the side, she raised an eyebrow. "Do I what?"

"Love me?"

Kathryn knew without a shadow of a doubt that she had blindly walked head first into that one. "I..."

"You've been here at least once a week and you've called me almost every day for the last seven months, regardless of whether or not I've answered. You don’t seem to be willing to give up on me and you constantly take the crap that I dish out." Chakotay continued smoothly. "And, yes, I know I’ve given you a lot of crap of the months. So, I’m asking: do you love me?"

She hesitated, frowning.

There were a plethora of answers that she could - and should - give him, but all she could think was that it had to be a good sign that he recognized his own behavioural patterns.

Hadn’t it?

“I think it’s a simple question, Kathryn.”

“Well, I would beg to differ on that one.” She countered. “What happens if I say yes?”

Her answer could change everything and, yet, could potentially change nothing at the same time.

How, exactly, was she supposed to have an answer in a timely matter that would satisfy him and not make her brain explode with the ‘what ifs’?

“What do you think happens?”

“I think it complicates things.” Her frown deepened.

She had never really let herself think about what she actually felt for Chakotay.

Lust, was obvious.

He was an attractive man and she wasn't dead.

Kathryn had thought that when they first met - though her thoughts had wavered slightly when he blackmailed her into giving up the Ship - and, as she'd gotten to know him, her desire had only gotten stronger.

Waking in the middle of the night with his name on her lips or his face in her mind had become the norm and she'd been content to let her unconscious mind run wild whenever it felt the need.

Which was probably a little too often, but that was out of her control, or so she told herself.

She was accustomed to the fact that he was in her thoughts more than any other friend she had. She was content with the knowledge that, at random intervals throughout the day, something would happen and she would think that she must tell him about it, share the experience with him, even if he only got to share it vicariously through her.

Dinner with him, dinners that they had been having regularly pre-Void, were without doubt one of the better parts of her week.

They had breakfast together more times then they didn't.

They shared coffee/tea in the day.

She argued with him, laughed with him, cried with him, had moments of incredible contentment with him and moment of indescribable anger with/at him.

They were lovers in every definition of the word but one.

She loved him, no questions about that.

But was she in love with him?

She didn't know.

And that was the best she could offer. "I don't know."

"OK." Chakotay didn't look upset or hurt by her not-really-an-answer answer. "Do you want me, then?"

Well, that was the easy one. "Yes."

"So you continuously fight this, because...?"

"I feel like I should." She admitted.

Part of her did.

She was the daughter of an Admiral - who had been the son of an Admiral - and Starfleet’s rules and regulations had dominated her personal life since before she could remember.

Beyond that, a very large part of her felt that, even though Mark was happily married, she should still keep her distance from anything that could be remotely permanent.

And she was under no illusions that Chakotay would settle for anything less.

There was also the fact that, currently, he was reluctant to do much of anything more than cater to his body’s basic needs and even that had only been a fairly recent development.

It bothered her, more than she was willing to admit, that he was willing to push the issue of whether or not they were sleeping together but he wasn't fighting for his Captaincy.

Chakotay was watching her carefully, obviously considering his reply.

"I told you that the decision was yours." He finally said.

"I know."

"And I meant that." He reached across the table and took her hand. "I'll wait until you're ready, Kathryn."

She didn't say anything, but she thought that she may have been waiting for him to be ready.

***

Kathryn sat in the briefing room, resisting the powerful urge to yawn and rub her eyes.

"When I checked the overnight sensor logs this little surprise was waiting for me." Harry explained, bringing up a display on the wall console.

"Maybe I'm not quite awake yet," Either that or she wasn't firing on all thrusters yet, which was also a distinct possibility. "But that looks like it's over one hundred kilometres wide."

"One hundred twenty." Harry confirmed. "At first I wasn't sure what to think, until I picked up a residual warp signature."

"It was a Borg vessel. There are tetryon particles in the debris consistent with the atmosphere inside a Cube." Seven added.

"In the void?" Kathryn raised an eyebrow.

So far, the most exciting thing that they had seen in almost seven months was some errant radiation and the occasional warp signature that was fading away into space from Ships that had passed through the Void before them.

While, when One was onboard, they'd had a potential brush with the Borg when they detected a transwarp conduit, nothing had come of it.

"The Borg are highly unlikely to be frightened by the Void." Seven replied coldly.

Kathryn silently conceded that point. "OK. Any idea what destroyed it?"

Seven shook her head a little. "We would need to run close range scans of the hull fragments."

"Unless we alter course, we'll get our chance." Harry replied. "The debris field's directly ahead."

Going around it could add several more weeks to their time in the Void and, even with this latest bit of excitement, Kathryn wasn't sure that she could put the crew through it.

"What are the chances that the Borg will come to investigate?"

"Unlikely." Seven replied. "The Borg would not send a cube to investigate while they are still involved in heavy conflict with Species 8472."

Which they all knew that they were.

"I'm afraid we have little choice. We'll get a chance to study the debris field up close. If there's nothing else, dismissed." Kathryn nodded.

It was good to know that, frightened or the Void or not, the Borg weren’t likely to be showing up any time soon.

"Ah, one other piece of business." Neelix spoke up. "It seems we had another incident in the Mess hall last night."

B'Elanna suppressed a smirk, clearly amused. "Return of the Midnight Snacker?"

Everyone in the room had to stifle their own looks of amusement – with the exception of Tuvok, who was much better at hiding it but could, no doubt, see the humour in the colloquial coined term – and Kathryn thought that even Seven looked mildly amused.

"I'm afraid so." Neelix, on the other hand, looked appropriately heartbroken.

Kathryn smiled sympathetically at him. "Casualties?"

"A leg of Kelaran wildebeest I'd prepared for Ryson's birthday." He frowned. "Since Tuvok has been unable to round up any suspects I'd like to ask that stronger measures be taken."

"Perhaps an armed security detail." Tuvok offered in his dry - but compellingly sarcastic - tone.

Neelix ignored the comment. "I'd like to ask permission to replicate some locking mechanisms for the cabinet doors."

"Granted. Anything else?" Kathryn nodded and raised her eyebrow, waiting for someone else to speak up. "Excellent. Dismissed."

As they filed out of the briefing room, she couldn't help but finally give in to the urge to yawn.

Stretching her arms above her head, she felt the pull of her tense muscles and sighed happily.

She had been up later than normal with Chakotay, discussing their 'relationship', which had then led to lying awake in bed for several hours after their dinner, thinking about what he had said.

After their slightly unexpected conversation about the nature of their relationship, they'd changed the topic to more generalized subjects as she filled him in on the random bits of crew gossip she'd heard.

While, previously over the last few months, he had simply nodded when appropriate – though he wasn’t really listening, she knew – last night he had actually offered his own thoughts and comments to her words and he even managed to smile once or twice when she relayed the story of Tom forgetting his and B’Elanna’s anniversary and subsequently having to beg half the crew for rations to save face from an angry Klingon.

Chakotay was making real progress.

Kathryn had to admit that after they'd shared such a successful conversation, she had hoped that he would be on duty, or at least make the effort to leave his Quarters.

She was convincing herself to be patient and understanding, but it was hard.

Sighing, Kathryn pulled herself up out of the chair and moved to the bridge to take a look at the readings from the debris field.

***

Kathryn sat on the Bridge, mentally visualizing an old fashioned grandfather clock as the minutes ticked by at a painfully slow rate.

Despite the upcoming debris field and despite the midnight snacker, there was very little for her to do right now and she was, once again, finding it hard to stay awake on the Bridge.

Even though last night's dinner with Chakotay and her own turbulent thoughts had left her little time for sleep, she knew that the months were still catching up with her in a big way.

She tried to placate her mind and body with the thought that, as soon as they were out of the Void and Chakotay was back on duty - and she refused point blank to consider that he might never want to come back - she was going to sleep for an entire week.

But that didn't seem to be enough to quell the desire to simply close her eyes and nod off in the comfortable chair she spent her days in.

Behind her, she could hear Tuvok's console beeping and frowned - while also being mildly glad for the distraction - before turning to look at him across the Bridge. "What's going on?"

"Seven of Nine attacked B'Elanna in Engineering. She is on deck nine, section twenty three."

"Force fields." Kathryn rolled her eyes. "Don't tell me those two have actually come to blows."

Tuvok raised an eyebrow.

A very meaningful eyebrow, Kathryn thought.

"Don't answer that. Get down there."

He nodded once and moved to the turbolift, calling for his security team as he went.

Kathryn moved to his station and watched the display of Seven's location, wondering what the hell had been said this time that would cause either of them to resort to violence.

When she could see on the screen that Seven had stopped moving, she tapped her comm. badge. "Bridge to Tuvok. Seven's been contained. Deck ten, section thirty two."

"Acknowledged. We're nearing her position."

"Keep me informed." She closed the link and sighed.

So much for having nothing to do today.

***

Entering sickbay, Kathryn approached the woman lying on the biobed in the surgical bay.

"Seven."

Seven's eyes fluttered open and she frowned as she looked around the room. "Kathryn, why am I here?"

"You've been unconscious for nearly two hours. We believe you're experiencing a neurological disorder."

Kes and the Doctor had filled her in on Seven's changing personalities.

They had discovered that Seven's implants were storing new neural patterns of species the Borg had assimilated, leaving her with the potential to house billions of personalities in her mind.

"Voices, I hear voices." She sounded fearful. "They are agitated, chaotic. Too many voices. Too many voices!"

The Doctor moved to the console at the head of the bed. "The cortical inhibitor is destabilising. I'm increasing the neurotransmitter levels."

"It's working." Kes said soothingly, taking Seven's hand. "Do you still hear the voices?"

"They are fading." She paused for a moment, moving into a sitting position. "They are gone."

"All right. Let's see what we can do to keep them from coming back." Kathryn raised an eyebrow at the Doctor and he nodded. She turned back to Seven. "What's the last thing you remember?"

"I was in Engineering, assisting B'Elanna Torres."

Kes frowned. "You have no recollection of a confrontation with B'Elanna?"

"Confrontation?" Seven repeated.

The Doctor moved into her line of sight. "I'm not sure why, but you seem to be manifesting personalities other than your own."

"Naomi Wildman claims the two of you played together for nearly an hour this afternoon." Kathryn told her.

"You also attacked B'Elanna Torres. She told us you called yourself Son of K'vok and that you initiated a Klingon mating ritual."

Tuvok would never raise his eyebrows in humour at this, but Kathryn thought that he came damn close to it.

"You were also very adamantly trying to convince me to let you do something with my hair." Kes added with a small frown.

"I have no memory of those events." Seven's confusion showed.

"Come look at this." The Doctor coaxed and they moved over to one of the other displays that he had set up.

"Doctor?" Seven frowned at the curved lines that dominated the screen, moving back and forth in an intricate pattern.

"This is your neural pattern." He pointed to one of the thicker, more prominent lines. "The memory engrams and synaptic pathways that define you as an individual. Unfortunately, you're not alone.” He pointed to some of the thinner lines. “Thirteen new neural patterns have emerged in your cerebral cortex. Klingon, Vulcan, Terrelian, Human and several others I can't identify."

Kathryn blinked.

Surely that shouldn't be possible?

"How?" Seven asked.

"They're coming from within you. During your time with the Borg, the Collective assimilated hundreds of different species. All of those neural patterns were integrated into the Hive Mind." His voice was gentle.

Seven, as always, appeared to simply take it in her stride.

"That means they're in your mind too, stored within your cortical implants. Dormant until now." Kes continued.

"Of course.” Seven nodded slightly. “It is logical to assume that I would retain some of those patters."

"From what we can tell the various neural patterns are surfacing randomly." The Doctor said. "In essence, you've developed the Borg equivalent of Multiple Personality Disorder."

"Can you correct the malfunction?"

"The cortical inhibitor is suppressing the effect, but it's only a temporary measure."

"B'Elanna Torres detected a Borg interlink frequency. It could be causing my Borg implants to malfunction."

"The signal appears to be emanating from the Borg debris field we discovered this morning." Tuvok elaborated.

They had discovered the interlink frequency not long after Seven - or the son of K'vok, as she was at the time - had attacked B'Elanna.

"Maybe we should jump to warp, try to get out of range." Kathryn offered with a raised eyebrow.

She knew that the debris field extended for far further then they could avoid, but surely they could pass the frequency relatively quickly.

If they pushed the engines to warp speed, they could be a light year from the interlink frequency in just shy of three hours.

And, as an added bonus, B'Elanna and her team would have even more work to do if they needed to repair the engines from suddenly being pushed so hard.

Seven shook her head. "The signal permeates subspace. We cannot avoid it."

"Our only hope is to terminate the signal at its point of origin." The Doctor added with a slight shrug.

"Set a course for the debris field." She turned to Seven. "When we arrive, we may need your help. Feel up to it?"

"Yes."

Kathryn wondered if Seven would ever say no to that Question.

She smiled. "OK. Keep a close eye on her, Doctor, in case she has any more unexpected visitors."

***

Sighing as she fell into bed, Kathryn wondered if Chakotay had ever felt this bone-deep tired after a day on the bridge.

Though it had taken them several hours, and they'd had several close calls with Seven's life, they had been able to diable the vinculum that was emitting the interlink frequency.

After she'd beamed it aboard to be disabled, Seven had found that an alien organism inside the vinculum that attacks technology by creating a virus.

One that was created by Species 6339, who carried the virus in their bodies and spread it to the Borg cube when assimilated.

Since there were no other known - or unknown, for that matter - vessels in the void, they hadn't been blessed with the option of finding Species 6339 and learning more about the virus in order to find a way to safely disable it and save Seven from the plethora of voices inside her head.

After her inhibitor began failing, Seven had started experiencing even more new personalities and had to be sedated.

B'Elanna and Tuvok had targeted the vinculum's transneural matrix with a dampening field, but it, like most Borg technology, had adapted to the technological defence after only a few moments and returned to full power, leaving them back where they had started.

At that point, Seven's own neural pattern had been completely erased and the Doctor and Kes had been unable to locate 'her' in the multiple personalities inhabiting her mind.

In desperation, and with no other idea on how to help their ex-Borg, Kathryn had given permission for Tuvok to mind meld with her in the hopes that he could be her anchor back into the real world.

While he had done that, B'Elanna had remodulated the dampening field and finally managed to disable the vinculum.

Following that, it had taken only a few moments before all of the other neural patterns in Seven's mind became dormant, as she and Tuvok returned safely from their mind-meld.

Once they were sure that Seven was recovering - adapting, had been her word - nicely in the Cargo Bay, B'Elanna had approached Kathryn towards the end of the shift to show her a design that she'd been working on for a few months.

Something that would, hopefully, get them home in a matter of days as opposed to the decades they were currently facing.

Kathryn had taken the PADD that housed her designs and promised to look them over first thing the next morning, mentally adding that she would discuss this idea with Chakotay before she even considered it.

As exciting as it could be, she just didn't have the mental power to think about it right now.

Closing her eyes as she curled her body into a crescent shape, Kathryn sighed again before letting sleep claim her.

***

"What do you think?" She asked, sipping a cup of coffee as Chakotay held the PADD in his hand.

"Firstly," He frowned. That couldn't be promising. "I'm wondering why you're showing this to me."

"Chakotay, you're the Captain."

"We've been over this before, Kathryn." He raised an eyebrow. "Why are you trying to force the issue?"

Kathryn sighed. "How would you feel if I gave B'Elanna permission to build this without talking to you about it first?"

"Again, we've been through that."

"I know, I know." She waived away what she knew he would say. "I might be acting Captain right now, but it's your Ship."

"Kathryn."

His voice was quiet and it unnerved her.

"What?"

"What are you going to do if I don't take the captaincy back?"

"Why would you not take it back?"

He looked around his Quarters - now thoroughly and thankfully showing signs of being permanently inhabited by a living, breathing human being - pointedly. "You know why."

"You'll come back." She nodded confidently.

"How can you be so sure of that?"

Kathryn wasn't sure, that was the problem.

"You'll come back." She repeated more firmly. "Now, tell me what you think of B'Elanna's proposal."

Chakotay read over the PADD in his hand once more. "Has she given an estimation on how long it will take to build?"

Smiling, Kathryn set about answering his questions.

***

Somehow, without any real agreement discussed between them - though Kathryn imagined that her unconscious mind had probably planned it all along - their lengthy conversation about B'Elanna's proposal had been the beginning of something much bigger.

She didn't realize it at first, she had no reason too.

After they had solved the problem with Seven's sudden multiple personalities, boredom had reigned supreme again and, aside from those in engineering who were scanning the various bits of Borg technology they'd picked up from the debris field, the crew returned to their constant hunt for something to do.

For a week or so, they were all able to occupy themselves.

But, eventually, as was the norm with the void, they were soon ready to bang their heads against the bulkheads in frustration as the search for something to entertain them proved futile... though Naomi was loving the amount of attention she received at the time.

When a small fight broke out between two of the crew who were fed up with living together - a fight that was, undoubtedly, fuelled from their boredom more then anything else - Kathryn automatically hailed Chakotay.

She knew exactly how to handle the situation herself, especially considering the fact that, as it fell under the category of a personnel problem, it was her job to deal with it - which Chakotay knew - but when she contacted him for advice, he was quick to offer up a solution to help diffuse the tense situation.

So, when Voyager ran into a gravimetric force and stopped dead in the water, it made sense - in her mind, at least - for her to contact Chakotay for his opinion on the situation.

Moving into the Ready Room, Kathryn leant against the edge of the desk and tapped her comm. badge. "Kathryn to Chakotay."

"Chakotay here."

"We've dropped out of warp. We're at a dead stop." She told him.

"The Ship?"

"Engines are operational. We've been reading gravimetric forces around the ship. They're disrupting our power flow. Control systems have gone offline. We no longer have access to external communications," Not that they would do them any good in the void anyway, "deflector and weapons. Other systems are shutting down as well."

She rubbed her temples and sighed.

Kathryn had to admit that, considering their initial warnings about the void had been mostly concerning the tedium that would ensure when they travelled it - and they had certainly experienced the tedium in full - a lot seemed to happen for a dead part of space.

Chakotay was quiet for a moment. "Did you scan for vessels, tractor beams, anything that might explain what's holding us here?"

"We did." She nodded despite the fact that he couldn't see it. "Tuvok thinks he has an explanation. Apparently, sensors show that we've entered a layer of subspace. It's disrupting our warp field."

"Do we have impulse?"

Kathryn nodded again, she knew exactly where he was heading with that question. "Yes."

"Engage at full and see if that's enough to get us out."

"We tried that and there was no change in our position. We routed all available power to the engines."

"No luck?"

"Not even a tiny bit." She sighed again. "The impulse reactor was running hot. We were quickly heading for an overload. Reactors hit critical and we had gotten no where."

"Then I guess we need to increase power to the structural integrity field. We may be here awhile."

Kathryn opened her mouth to respond, but all she got was a beep from the computer.

Frowning, she moved to the bridge and over to tactical. "Tuvok?"

"We have lost internal communications."

"Great."

***

At least the turbolift's haven't malfunctioned... yet. Kathryn thought as she headed towards Astrometrics.

She wanted to stop by Chakotay's Quarters and let him know what was happening, but first she needed her own answers.

Their newly completed Astrometrics lab was finally up and running - and just at the right time, it seemed - and when Kathryn entered, the senior staff who, apparently, had all had the same idea on the best place to be in order to figure this situation out, turned at the sound of the doors opening.

"I've run a trans-spectral analysis. The area between space and subspace is unstable throughout this region." Seven said.

"Basically, we've run aground on a subspace sandbar. I've tried realigning the warp field, reversing hull polarity, but nothing has worked." B'Elanna added with a shake of her head.

Tom raised an eyebrow and glanced at the other occupants of the room. "Maybe we should just get out and push."

No one bothered to respond to that, though Kathryn did smother a small smile.

"The gravimetric forces are disrupting our control systems." Seven replied seriously.

"How can this happen in the void?" Kathryn asked, frowning. "Why didn't we know that this region of space was unstable before we entered? Sensors were working, weren't they?"

"They were," Harry agreed.

"But the Astrometrics scans show that this region of space only became unstable after we entered it." Seven finished.

"As long as we're trapped here we won't have access to the computer core, tactical, holodecks, and all but six replicators." B'Elanna continued.

"What about those distortions on the holodeck?" Tom and Harry had been running a program when distortions began to interfere with something called 'Proton's rocket pack.' Kathryn didn't want to ask for clarification on exactly what that was. "What's the connection?"

They had, at first, been content to ignore them as simply a random occurrence in the holodeck from the constant use, but weapons fire from the holodeck created power surges on Voyager, which had led them to Astrometrics for answers while the program continued to run, unable to be shut down.

"We do not know." Seven admitted.

"Maybe I should go and check it out." Tom offered. At her raised eyebrow, he coughed politely. "I do, after all, understand the program running. Anyone else might get themselves shot by Chaotica and we don’t know if the Holodeck safeties are still on or not."

She had to concede that point. "Very well. Take Tuvok. Get down there and see what you can find."

***

Kathryn sat at the head of the briefing room table, frowning after she'd listened to Tom and Tuvok's reports on their investigations on the holodeck.

"Let me get this straight. Trans-dimensional aliens have mistaken your Captain Proton simulation for reality."

"Yes." Tom was clearly amused by her scepticism.

She's shoot him later.

"And now an armed conflict has broken out between these aliens and Chaotica's holographic army."

"Yes. His Army of Evil."

Kathryn decided she was going to add 'the army of evil' to her list of things not to be questioned about this day.

Tom was having way too much fun with this.

"And will someone please explain why we haven't simply shut down the holodeck?" She raised her eyebrow.

"We've tried." Seven replied. "The controls are still offline."

"We're going to have to get through to these aliens and explain that they're fighting shadows."

"We've tried that too, but they don't believe us." Tom shrugged as he frowned a little. "They think that we're not real. Apparently, they can't detect Voyager, so every time they scan us we seem as artificial to them as the holographic characters do to us."

"That explains why they haven't answered our hails and why I can't sense anything from them." Kes added quietly.

"The Doctor is photonic." Seven said, eyebrow raised. "He may be able to persuade them."

Kathryn nodded. "It's worth a try. Brief him."

"In the meantime, I think we should let the program play out as it was meant to." Tom added.

"You're not suggesting we wait until this... Chaotica," Even the name was stupid. "defeats the aliens?"

"No, no," He shook his head quickly. "I'm suggesting that we help the aliens to defeat Chaotica. They think that he's leading some kind of hostile invasion force. Once that threat is gone, it's a good bet that they will leave and close up their portals."

"How do you propose to defeat Chaotica?" B'Elanna frowned.

"Well, he's been attacking the aliens with his Death Ray." Tom shrugged as if it was the most normal sentence in the world to utter during a briefing.

Tuvok raised an eyebrow. "It is a shame we don't have one."

Vulcan's weren't meant to be sarcastic and cynical.

Kathryn thought she should be extremely concerned that the ones on Voyager certainly were.

"Forget about what it's called, Tuvok." Tom rolled his eyes. "In the world of Captain Proton it's the most powerful weapon that there is, and because it's photonic, it's lethal to these aliens. Now in Chapter eighteen, Captain Proton disables this weapon just before Chaotica can use it to destroy Earth."

Tuvok’s eyebrow got closer and closer to his hairline with every word that left Tom’s mouth. "And you believe that this Captain Proton, namely you, of course, could still do that?"

"Well, we'd have to knock out the Lightning Shield first." Tom replied as though it were obvious.

Kathryn was really considering shooting him.

There had to be some perks to being Captain for a while.

"A force field."

Tom grinned at Seven's translation. "Yeah, now you're catching on. The Destructo Beam on my rocket ship can disable the Death Ray but only if someone gets inside the Fortress of Doom and can shut down the Lightning Shield."

"And who's supposed to do that?" B'Elanna raised an eyebrow.

"Arachnia, Queen of the Spider People."

"Charming." Kathryn rolled her eyes.

"Chaotica thinks so. In the story, he's in love with her. He's been trying to form an alliance since Chapter Three. She's the only one that he trusts, the only one that can get close enough to disable the Lightning Shield.” He paused and quickly made eye contact with each occupant of the room. “Somebody is going to have to take on her character."

"Who'd you have in mind?" Kathryn ginned at Seven.

It was going to be interesting to watch their emotionally-stunted Borg play seductress to a man with an evil army of doom.

She turned back to Tom.

The look on his face said it all.

"Oh, no!"

"It's the role of a lifetime!"

No way in hell!

"Need I remind you that we have exhausted all other possibilities of
escaping this layer of subspace."

Damn Tuvok and his logic.

"Until we are able to eliminate those distortions, we're trapped here." Kes added quietly.

She's too diplomatic for her own damn good.

"Think of it as Starfleet's first encounter with Planet X."

Where the hell did Seven get her sense of humour from?

Kathryn tolled her eyes again. "Thanks."

"It won't be so bad." Tom placated. "I can explain to you what you can expect. I can tell you."

"All right, all right!" She sighed and tried to project the soon-to-come shooting into her eyes as she turned back to Tom. "I'm a size four."

***

Her breasts were somewhere in the vicinity of her throat, the bodice was so tight that she was having a concerning amount of trouble breathing and Kathryn knew without any doubt that if she moved too suddenly, anyone could see all the way up her dress.

I'm going to kill Tom Paris.

Whatever his skewed male fantasy was, there was no way in hell that this dress was a size four.

Either that or she needed to stop eating all of the delicious cream-based foods that Chakotay liked to replicate.

Mentally growling, she stormed through the hall and hit the door panel a little harder than necessary.

When it opened, she continued her storming until she was inside the room - and she had to make sure that the train on her dress and the spider web collar had made it through too - she planted her hands firmly on her hips as she glared occupant on the sofa.

"You haven't had much of a reason to laugh lately, so here it is."

Chakotay, for his part, looked like a small frightened child as he stared, his mouth slightly open.

He dropped the PADD that had been in his hand and it fell to the floor, unnoticed. "If I laugh, are you going to shoot me?"

"No. But I might Aracnia's pheromones to convince you to shoot yourself." She was pretty sure that she could do it, too.

"Pheromones?"

"Apparently that's my secret weapon against men." Kathryn rolled her eyes. "I don't buy it."

Chakotay whistled quietly. "Oh, I do."

"You can't seriously like this?"

Though he, perhaps, saw the fact that her breasts were somewhere in the vicinity of her throat, the bodice was so tight that she was having trouble breathing and he could see all the way up her dress as a good thing.

Men!

"Not that I don't appreciate the outfit." His wandering eyes attested to that statement. "But what is the significance? I'm hoping some kind of strange holodeck adventure?"

Kathryn, normally, would make herself comfortable in one of his arm chairs - especially more so now that his depression was steadily lifting and he was taking more of an interest in the going-on of Voyager - but as she tried to take a few steps forward, she frowned.

If she tried to sit down, he was going to get a really interesting view.

Though he probably wouldn’t be opposed to that.

"Let me go change and I'll fill you in." She frowned down at the dress. "I'll be back in a moment. Or ten."

Getting the dress on had been interesting, how the hell was she supposed to get it off?

***

When she re-entered his Quarters some twenty minutes later, much more appropriately dressed in a light tunic and pants, Kathryn moved to the arm chair and curled her legs under herself.

"More comfortable?"

"Much." She nodded. "I thought I was going to poke a hole in my neck - or someone else’s - with that costume."

Tom had been top of her ‘someone else’ list.

Chakotay raised an eyebrow. "It wasn't all bad."

"Says you."

"Well, yes, I didn't have to wear it."

Kathryn was going to try extremely hard not to let herself imagine him in the Arachnia get-up.

"What have you been doing, anyway?"

Despite her best intentions when she’d been heading to Astrometrics, Kathryn hadn’t had a chance to stop by and fill him in on the situation.

Quickly, she filled him in on their discovery of the photonic aliens before moving onto the more exciting topic of Captain Proton and Co.

"The Doctor was posing as the President of Earth and he convinced the alien that Captain Proton needed his help. The alien agreed to cease firing and return to his realm once Proton has defeated Chaotica."

"How dramatic."

"Aren't they always?" She grinned, shaking her head at the absurdity. "Anyway, I had to convince Chaotica to lower his shields. He became suspicious of me, so I was forced to pull a ray-gun on him."

"And here we thought your acting skills were paramount to none."

Kathryn glared but continued anyway. "He confined me to a containment ring and fired his death ray on Proton's approaching ship. Apparently, it was right about then that B'Elanna realized that the power surges from the holodeck were pulling Voyager deeper into subspace."

Chakotay frowned. "What did you do?"

"Well, what could I do? We had to get out of the situation and I had one weapon left - my irresistible pheromones."

"I thought that the politically correct term was breasts?"

She glared again. "Don't mock, I actually had pheromones in a bottle.” Though she was sure that the cleavage on display hadn’t hurt her cause. “I used them to lure a guard into setting me free and then killed all of Chaotica's men."

"How heartless of you."

"Chaotica deactivated his shields, allowing Proton to score a direct hit with his destructo beam against the death ray. Then, the distortions closed, and Voyager was realigned with normal space."

"A very compelling tale."

It was easy - a little too easy, perhaps - to imagine that things were back to something akin to normal, listening to his jokes in between her tale.

"Long story short, we're on our way again."

Chakotay nodded. "Well done on saving the day."

"Thank you." She nodded to the PADD on the floor. "Did I interrupt something?"

"No.” He shook his head. “But your grand entrance distracted me from B'Elanna's proposal."

"Oh." Kathryn bit her lip. "Have you given any more thought to it yet?"

While she knew the dangers involved in what B'Elanna was proposing, Kathryn wasn't quite sure if the risk was worth it or not.

"The final decision is yours." Chakotay reminded her. "But from what I've read so far, it looks promising."

She didn't bother to tell him that whatever he decided would be the final decision, though Kathryn imagine that part of him knew - and liked - it.

***

Kathryn rushed into Chakotay's Ready Room and launched herself into his arms.

He laughed as he caught her, hands moving around her waist to support her as she clung to his neck, her legs almost a foot from the ground, their bodies pressed tight together.

"I gather you've heard, then?" He asked, amused.

She grinned.

It was hard not to.

"About what’s on the sensors?"

"No, about the communication I received."

Pulling herself back to look at him, though unable to take the smile from her face, Kathryn cocked her head to the side. "Who was it from?"

"Starfleet."

She gasped.

Despite their recent discovery, she hadn't expected that Starfleet would be able to send a message to them.

"And?" She held her breath.

"They've offered me a full pardon and reinstatement to Starfleet. I've even been offered a professorship in anthropology at the Academy. All of the Maquis on this ship will be offered similar deals."

"Chakotay that's wonderful!" She kissed his cheek. "I'm so happy for you."

"That's not the best news." He said.

There were tears - of joy or sadness? - in his eyes and Kathryn held her breath again.

"What is, then?"

"The Doctor has been exploring new treatments for the various illness' that we've faced in the Delta Quadrant. He’s been looking over them for a few months now and he’s developed several treatments for them. Including a treatment for an infection from a Macrovirus."

"Are you saying-"

"He has a cure that will leave the patient alive and well."

She frowned. "But-"

"Roshan's body has been in stasis the whole time, though I didn't know it. Kathryn, the Doctor can do it. He can bring our son back, alive and completely healthy, no immune deficiencies whatsoever."

When she felt the tears - definitely of joy - prick at her own eyes, she understood the look on her face. "But what about the time that's gone by? It's been almost two years since he died."

He grinned. "Roshan might be a little confused when he looks at his birth certificate in a few decades, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it."

She couldn't help the squeal of delight that escaped her.

Chakotay had re-taken his Captaincy - the depression long behind him - they had found a wormhole that led right to Earth's doorstep, Chakotay and the other Maquis would be completely pardoned by Starfleet and now the Doctor could bring Roshan back to them.

She didn't think life could get any better then this and, if it did, Kathryn wasn't sure she wanted to know about it.

Reaching up, she cupped his cheeks and pulled his face down to hers, finally giving in to the long-suppressed urge to kiss him.

Their tongues met hungrily as they each duelled for dominance over the kiss and she could taste the iced tea that he liked so much, temptingly mixing with the overpowering taste of him.

Moaning into his mouth, Kathryn impatiently pulled at his clothes.

He was moaning back into her mouth - and the vibrations alone were probably enough to kill her at this point - and their hands tangled as he pulled at her leather pants.

"Want you."

He grunted into her mouth as his hand slipped past the opening of her pants and into her underwear, playing in the rich moisture that he found between her legs.

Kathryn whimpered her response and pushed his hand away.

She was too close to the edge already and the only goal in her life right now was to have him naked and inside her as soon as possible.

There was no finesse, no grace, no candles or flowers; Just two people that had wanted each other for a really long time and had been to hell and back to stay together.

Her pants came down to her thighs, he pushed her across the desk - she knocked the portable computer onto the floor but they would have no need for that soon anyway - and she rested her weight on her arms as he pushed into her, both of them groaning in delight.

There was no pain and no discomfort, despite her five-year abstinence - and a sparingly used a vibrator didn't count, she mentally decided - and her breath hitched in the back of her throat under the powerful wave of emotion that forcefully washed over her.

It wasn't the slow, romantic coupling that she had imagined, but it was too good for her to care about the details.

"I love you, I love you."

She couldn't stop repeating it; the three words were her new mantra as he pushed into her over and over again, her breathlessly panted phrase matching the timing of his thrusts.

Neither of them was going to last long, not with the amount of lust - and love - pent up between them, but that didn't matter either.

One of Chakotay's hands held her hips steady and the other worked determinedly at her clit.

His thrusts were deep and measured, but they sped up as he grew closer and closer to the edge, Kathryn right there with him.

As she screamed out the sweet bliss of release, she felt him coming, her name being drawn from his lips.

***

Kathryn stood next to Chakotay on the Bridge.

She kept her eyes forward, but she knew that there was a distinct tint to her cheeks and a self-satisfied grin on her lips that was unlikely to leave her for, hopefully, the next forty or fifty years.

"We've just entered visual range." Harry announced, his own voice conveying the happiness that was wide-spread on Voyager. "We're starting to get images from the other side."

They had found the wormhole almost four days earlier, but no one had believed what the sensors had first told them, especially given that they were occupying a supposedly dead part of space.

While they'd had their share of adventures in the void - certainly not enough to keep the crew busy, though - no one had expected a wormhole to Earth's doorstep to be something that could happen.

At first, they'd all been incredibly sceptical.

They had scanned and re-scanned the wormhole within an inch of its life to confirm the validity of what the sensors were telling them.

But then, just two days after their discovery, when they reached the wormhole, Chakotay stepped out onto the Bridge and announced that he was claiming his rightful place - which was the way for a Maquis takeover - and moved to the Captain's chair.

They had spent two further days analysing the wormhole and looking for any sign that it wasn't what it appeared to be.

Then the messages had come through from Starfleet and their families.

This time, everyone on the crew received a letter from home, including Tom Paris, whose letter included a page of apologies from his father.

B'Elanna had received a similar letter from her own paternal parent.

Kathryn's letter had been from Mark.

Apparently, his relationship with his new wife had quickly fallen apart when he learnt that rumours of her death had been - as they say - greatly exaggerated. He wanted to pick up where they left off. He said that he would wait for her for as long as it took.

For all of three minutes, Kathryn had seriously considered taking him up on that offer.

But something in her gut had driven her to discuss it with Chakotay first, so she had gone to his Ready Room to talk to him and, well, ended up bent over the desk, crying out her pleasure.

Her cheeks tingled as the blush flared across her skin and part of her wondered, briefly, if they had heard her screaming from the bridge.

Hell, they had probably heard her screaming on Deck 12.

She didn't care.

Chakotay's hand touched hers lightly - though enough to make her shiver in memory again - and he smiled at her. "I love you."

"I love you, too." Her voice was as low as his and she knew that she wore a matching smile.

"There is considerable interference." Tuvok announced and Chakotay stepped away from her to turn to him.

"Can you clear it up?"

"I think I can." Harry frowned at his console, tapping away madly before he looked up. "Try it now."

The image that came up on the view screen was as breath taking as she had always imagined it would be and Kathryn couldn't help the gasp that left her. "How long until we reach the wormhole?"

"Fifty three minutes." Tom replied.

Chakotay nodded once. "Maintain course."

Kathryn tapped her comm. badge as she moved back to sit in her chair. "All hands, this is the Bridge. Secure all systems."

"When we reach Earth's orbit, lay in a descent trajectory." Chakotay ordered, turning to meet and hold her gaze as he spoke. "North American continent, Starfleet Headquarters."

***

As she walked through the hall, Kathryn couldn't help the happy spring in her step.

Everything she had ever wanted had, effectively, been handed to her on a silver platter.

Chakotay was back to his charming self again and they were finally - finally! - lovers, as they should have been for years.

Earth was a heartbeat away.

Her family were well and waiting for her.

While she had yet to see Roshan - apparently, it would take several hours for the procedure to work and the Doctor would be working on that as soon as he was back online - and she knew that it was only a matter of time.

There was just one thing to deal with before everything would be as it should.

Rounding the corner, Kathryn jumped a little when she almost ran face-first - well, it would have been chest-first in this case - into the woman she had been on her way to see.

Kathryn grinned. "I was just coming to see you."

"Why?" Seven frowned.

"I'm afraid I have some troubling news." Though not troubling enough to ruin this day. Nothing was going to ruin this day. "Evidently, our wormhole passes through a layer of subspace monitored by the Borg. Starfleet's concerned that your neural transceiver might attract some unwanted attention. We need to deactivate your implants."

"You should not attempt to do so without the Doctor's supervision."

"Unfortunately, he's offline."

They'd had to take him offline to avoid any possible degradation to his program when they passed through the wormhole.

Starfleet had been impressed with him when they'd met him on the Romulan Ship the year before and they wanted to take absolutely no risks in preserving his humanity.

"Then the procedure is inadvisable."

"Try to relax." Kathryn soothed. "We're only going to keep you in stasis until we've reached the Alpha quadrant. I realize the prospect of returning to Earth is frightening to you. It's perfectly natural for you to resist the unknown, but you're in good hands."

Seven didn't look convinced.

Kathryn smiled reassuringly. "Resistance is futile."

"I will comply."

Nodding happily, Kathryn tapped her comm. badge. "Kathryn to the Bridge."

"Go ahead."

God, even his voice over the comm. link was enough to give her the urge to swoon and offer to marry him and have - more of - his babies.

Focus, Kathy. She told herself firmly. Wormhole first, naked Chakotay second.

"I’ve spoken to Seven of Nine. We're putting her into stasis."

"Make it fast." Chakotay replied. "We don't want the Borg to crash our welcome home party."

"I need to adjust my regeneration parameters." Seven told her as they entered, stepping up to the alcove controls in Cargo Bay two. "How long will I be required to remain inactive?"

"A couple of hours to be on the safe side." Kathryn replied, standing back as Seven worked.

A force field blinked into life around her.

"Security alert!"

Seven turned around to look past Kathryn. "Naomi Wildman."

"Security's on their way, Kathryn. What happened?" She could hear the panic in his voice.

"Seven's trapped me behind some kind of Borg force field." Kathryn frowned as she touched the force field and felt a small shock travel up her arm.

She heard Chakotay ordering that the Bridge crew try to disable it as she turned to face a very frightened Naomi.

"Naomi, sweetie, go back to your quarters."

"Pay attention to me." Seven told the young girl. "If this indicator begins to flash, enter the following series of commands. Watch carefully." She entered the sequence and Naomi nodded.

"Naomi." Kathryn said more forcefully.

She wasn't normally in a position to reprimand her goddaughter - she was usually a well-behaved angel when they were together - but she could see the little girl's trust in Seven was almost as great as her trust in her Aunt Kathy.

"Do you understand?" Seven asked.

Naomi looked from Kathryn to Seven.

Kathryn smiled gently. "Sweetie, I know you're scared, but go back to your Quarters and wait for mommy. Everything will be fine."

"Do you understand?" Seven repeated. "Naomi Wildman, listen to me."

Naomi nodded as she looked at the control panel again. "Yes."

"Naomi, I'm giving you a direct order." Kathryn snapped as Naomi stepped up to the console and watched it intently, her recently replicated flotter doll - a gift from Kathryn and Neelix as godparents - clutched tightly in her hands. "Step away from the console."

"Computer, lock onto my co-ordinates and initiate a site-to-site transport. Main Engineering."

Seven disappeared as Kathryn continued trying to coax Naomi to help her.

"Honey, Seven is sick, you can't listen to the things she's been saying."

Naomi didn't turn from the console.

"We need to get her to the Doctor so that he can help her. Do you remember when she was sick before? When she thought she was someone else?"

The indicator on the console flashed and she saw Naomi's hand stretch up before it paused mid-air.

Around her, the force field glimmered intently as it fought to stay on-line under the bridge crew's manipulations.

"I remember." She said quietly.

"This is just like that." Kathryn kept her voice soothing and low. "We're trying to help her."

"No." Naomi shook her hand and entered the command that Seven had shown her. "You are the sick one, not Seven."

The force field glowed once, back to full strength.

Kathryn didn't know how or why, be she felt her grip on consciousness slip away from her and dimly heard the sound of Naomi running out of the Cargo bay as the world went black.

***

Moaning as she opened her eyes, Kathryn frowned as the floor of the cargo bay came into view.

Pushing her shaky body up, she held her pounding head and reached out, surprised to find that she was no longer restrained.

When she was sure that her legs would hold and the contents of her stomach would stay down, she moved out of the cargo bay and headed towards the nearest turbolift.

The halls were eerily quiet as she walked, frowning. She reached the turbolift quickly and her frown deepened over the fact that she hadn’t seen a single crewman in her walk.

As she entered, she found Marla Gilmore looking pretty much how she felt.

Helping the young woman stand on her own shaky legs, Kathryn ordered the 'lift to take them to the bridge. "Are you OK?"

"I think so." Marla frowned.

"Do you know what happened?"

"No." She shook her head and winced at the pain.

Kathryn winced in sympathy.

As they stepped out onto the bridge, she found the rest of the senior staff looking very much as she and Marla did; dazed and confused as they rose from their various positions.

"What happened?" She frowned.

"I don't know." Chakotay replied from his chair, pulling his body into a sitting position. "Tom, where are we?"

"We're still in the Delta quadrant." Tom’s voice was flat.

"Scan the wormhole." Chakotay snapped, his worried eyes finding Kathryn's. "Find out what went wrong."

"It's gone." He shook his head as he looked over the readings on the helm console. "I can't find it on sensors."

"Bridge controls have been routed to Engineering. Ops, tactical, helm all of it." Harry called.

Chakotay tapped his comm. badge. "Bridge to Engineering."

"B'Elanna here."

Her voice was weak.

"What's going on, B’Elanna?"

The turbolift doors open again and Kathryn turned as Seven stepped out.

The look on her face said a lot more than Kathryn wanted to know. "Seven? What's going on?"

"Voyager was being devoured in the digestive chamber of a large organism. It was manipulating you into believing that its digestive tract was actually a wormhole to the Alpha Quadrant." She explained. “The creature led you to believe that all of your dreams were coming true.”

No one on the Bridge moved.

"With the help of Qatai, the pilot of a vessel also trapped with us, we fired a tetryon-based weapons at a pocket of antimatter released from Voyager's warp core. It creates an unpleasant reaction that caused the beast to expel both ships through its esophageus."

Chakotay was the first to recover. "Are we free of it now?"

"Yes."

"And this Qatai person?"

Kathryn couldn't quite believe the story, she couldn't quite make herself believe it.

"Qatai returned to hunt the beast." Seven replied. "He was obsessed with defeating it."

"I see." Kathryn replied quietly.

For as much as she didn't want to let herself believe what Seven was saying, she didn't want to look at Chakotay more.

Turning, she fled from the Bridge.

***

She managed to wander aimlessly through the halls of Deck five for almost ten minutes before Kathryn resigned herself to the fact that she wasn't going to get any answers by avoiding the issue.

While she knew that she had to talk to him, talk about what had happened and what was to happen now, there was something else that she needed to talk care of before they sat down together and discussed the events of the week.

Her first stop was Sickbay - she had to know, had to be sure - and part of Kathryn was unsurprised to find Chakotay there.

She could see him in the office, already talking to the Doctor.

Kes greeted her as she entered. “Kathryn.”

“It was part of the illusion, wasn’t it?” She didn’t try to hide the tears that welled in her eyes.

“I’m sorry.” Kes replied quietly.

Kathryn’s gaze was focussed on Chakotay as the Doctor stood with a hand on his shoulder, shaking his head sadly.

“Roshan isn’t in stasis?” She asked Kes, not taking her eyes from the two men in the office.

“No, Kathryn. You know he isn’t.”

Yes, she did know that.

She had been the one to authorize his tiny body's cremation - in accordance with Chakotay’s tradition that stated if a body couldn’t be returned to the land, it should be burned and the ashes later scattered - and she had been there when the curtain closed around the small coffin and the Doctor had told her that she didn’t have to stay for it.

Kathryn had, though.

It had broken her heart, but she'd stayed for the whole thing. It had been a quick procedure but she hadn't wanted him to be alone, even in death.

Chakotay hadn’t wanted to see it - not that she could blame him - and Roshan’s ashes sat in a small urn in his Quarters, protected by a force field, but never spoken about.

“What was real?” Kathryn asked.

“What do you mean?”

Chakotay met her eyes, briefly, and the look on his face broke her heart before he looked away quickly, his attention returning to the Doctor.

“How much of what we saw was real?”

She remembered being handed a letter by Neelix as he delivered them.

She’d read the letter as she sat on her bed.

She’d spoken with the crew, learnt of their own letters.

She’d spoken - she couldn't think of the rest of that hour - with Chakotay in the Ready Room.

And then her mother and sister had been there, hugging her as all three of them cried in relief.

She saw them with their arms outstretched as they rushed forward to greet her after five long years apart.

And then she saw them turning to hug Chakotay and welcome him to the Janeway clan.

“I don’t know.” Kes replied honestly.

Kathryn didn't either.

***

For as much as she wanted the chance to come to terms with the latest disappointment that the Delta Quadrant had thrown at them, Kathryn equally didn't want to think about it.

Before their 'blissful' days, she had found it hard to think of Roshan without a wave of sadness passing through her.

Now that they had been faced with the possibility of having him back, only to have it ripped away from them so quickly, she didn't know how to think about him at all without crying.

She could only imagine what was running through Chakotay's mind.

He was on the Bridge when they picked up a large cloud of matter on sensors, unknown to any of their databases.

Though he hadn't actually asked for his command back - which was, apparently, the Maquis 'protocol' - he had simply appeared at the start of alpha shift one morning, not long after the ‘bliss’, and Kathryn hadn't said anything as she'd sat down in the First Officer's chair.

While she didn't want to believe that his depression was gone - and she certainly didn't want to believe that their encounter, for want of a better word, in his Ready Room had been the catalyst for the final stages in his recovery - she wasn't sure how else to take his sudden reappearance.

No one commented on the fact that he was on duty again and it seemed that the months of almost complete isolation was a no go zone for any conversation that the Captain and First Officer could overhear.

Not that it would matter what she overheard; she hadn't spoken to Chakotay at all in days.

She'd seen him in Sickbay, talking to the Doctor.

He had made eye contact with her only briefly and she'd left, returning to her Quarters.

Though she wouldn't admit it to anyone else, she had curled herself into a ball and cried herself to sleep for the first time in fifteen years that night.

After that, they had both been studiously avoiding each other.

Though the crew reported to her that they'd seen him out and about and they were even more worried about him now than they had been when he was nowhere to be found - they mightn't know exactly what had happened in his vision of 'bliss', but they weren't stupid enough to assume that Roshan didn't factor in somehow - but she hadn't actually seen him herself, save for the morning he showed up for alpha shift.

While she knew that she was avoiding him, he was clearly doing the same with her.

He issued orders to her via the computers messaging system - not that there was much for them to do until they reached the abandoned Ship - and he refused to look at her.

She didn't push the issue.

She knew how he felt.

Part of her was overjoyed that he was back on the Bridge again, even if he wasn't back to his 'old' self, but part of Kathryn wondered how long it would take before they'd be able to talk about the 'incident' in the Ready Room.

Or, hell, how long it would take before they could look at each other.

"It's changed course again." Harry announced. "Twenty thousand kilometres off starboard."

"Do we know what it is yet?" Chakotay asked.

"Not exactly." Harry replied. "It's two light years across and emits enough energy for a dozen stars. It doesn't match any phenomenon in our database, and it won't sit still."

"Any theories?"

No one replied.

"Okay, eleven thousand kilometres off the port bow." Harry corrected.

"We are too close." Tuvok warned.

Tom nodded from the helm. "I'm backing us off."

The ship rocked violently beneath her and Kathryn frowned as she held on to the arms of her chair.

Chakotay held onto the arm of his chair as well. "Full reverse. Maximum shields. Full stop. Anybody want to tell me where we are?"

Tuvok raised an eyebrow. "We appear to be inside the disturbance."

"I'm picking up a lot of raw data." Harry frowned at the readings displayed in front of him. "Subspace flux, graviton waves." He shook his head. "The sensors must be confused. The readings are shifting around so much that I can't make heads or tails of what's out there."

"Captain, this is Seven of Nine.” Her voice came through the comm. system. “I believe I know what has happened to the Ship."

Chakotay nodded. "Let's here it."

"The Borg have been aware of this phenomenon for many years. It is a zone where the law of physics are in a state of flux. Chaotic space."

Kathryn frowned. "Why didn't sensors warn us in time?"

"Chaotic space appears randomly and unexpectedly. The Borg have observed it throughout the galaxy." Seven replied.

"Then why hasn't a Federation Starship encountered anything like this?" Tuvok asked.

"No doubt some have."

Kathryn glanced across to Chakotay and shrugged. "Think of all the Starfleet vessels that disappeared under mysterious circumstances."

"Borg vessels are more advanced," Seven continued. "Only one Cube has survived an encounter with Chaotic space."

"Those aren't good odds."

Kathryn frowned again.

"If the physical constants are shifting, our sensors can not function properly." Tuvok supplied.

"I'm brining the sensor data up on the view screen," Seven called. They all looked up at the mass of colour on the screen. "The problem is here." A small section was highlighted. "Changes in the gravitational coefficient will cause sudden shear forces against our hull. Shields will protect us, but only for a time."

"How much time?" Chakotay asked.

"Unknown."

"We've got to recalibrate the sensors, redesign them if necessary, otherwise we're flying blind."

Chakotay nodded. "Let's get to work."

***

It wasn't long after their entrance into Chaotic space that Voyager located a ship adrift with no life signs aboard.

Its last distress call revealed the captain began hallucinating.

Kathryn wasn't sure if they should have been grateful or concerned when they came across the abandon ship. It was the first ship that they had seen in a long time that wasn't already debris.

After eight long months of nothing but empty space around them, with the occasional anomaly thrown in right about the time they were all about to be declared completely certifiable, it was almost nice to see technology similar to their own.

Being trapped in Chaotic space was the downside of seeing something 'different', though.

B'Elanna hailed the Bridge as continuous shudders rocked Voyager. "The graviton shear is buckling the hull. If we don't find a way out of Chaotic space soon we're going to die here."

Kathryn wasn't sure what happened, but one moment they were sitting on the Bridge, looking at the ship on the view screen, and the next Chakotay was up and dancing about in a boxer's stance, taking a swing at everyone within reach, as well as some opponents that they couldn’t see.

As Tuvok moved to subdue him, Chakotay launched a right hook at him.

Quickly, Tom pulled the med kit from under his console and sedated their aggravated Captain while the rest of the bridge crew watched in shock.

"What the hell was that?"

Kathryn couldn't help but wonder if the recent events, coupled with his depression, had finally caught up with him.

No one on the Bridge bothered to offer an answer; none of them had one.

"Beam him to Sickbay." Kathryn ordered, tapping her comm. badge to alert the Doctor of his newest patient.

When his sedated body was beamed off the Bridge, Kathryn managed to wait all of fifteen minutes before she couldn't stand waiting anymore and contacted the Doctor again.

"Kathryn to Sickbay. What's going on, Doctor?"

"It seems that Captain Chakotay has established a link with some kind of alien life form. I suspect they might live in Chaotic space."

"And?"

"It's not going well." He responded. "Our ambassador is still delusional for intermittent periods."

"We're running out of time." Kathryn told him.

B'Elanna was keeping an open comm. link with the Bridge now as she tried to find a way out of Chaotic space.

"I have no suggestions at this point, Kathryn." The Doctor replied.

Sigh sighed.

"On my way."

***

When she entered sickbay, Kathryn frowned at the Doctor as he stood in front of Chakotay, apparently reciting the scales.

"Music lessons?"

Chakotay rolled his eyes. "Pretty soon we'll be singing duets."

"I'm checking to see if there's been any damage to the auditory nerves." The Doctor replied. "His vision checks out as well. I'm afraid the source of the trouble may be a little deeper."

"The family curse."

Kathryn frowned. "What do you mean?"

"Chakotay has the genetic marker for a cognitive disorder. Sensory tremens. The primary symptoms are visual and auditory hallucinations, which our Captain is currently experiencing."

Chakotay met her gaze as he sat on the edge of the biobed, legs swinging back and forth impatiently. "My family Doctor suppressed the gene before I was even born so I never had to go through what the others did, like my grandfather."

"For some reason, the gene's been switched on." The Doctor held his hand up as Chakotay opened his mouth to speak again. "I'm not saying for certain that's why Chakotay thought he was getting ready for a prize-fight, but it's a good bet. The holodeck boxing simulation was fresh in his memory. A few misfiring neurons did the rest."

"Holodeck boxing simulation?" Kathryn repeated, her eyebrow raised.

"Apparently our Captain thinks there's nothing like a good fight. A truly vulgar sport."

Chakotay rolled his eyes again. "Yes, yes, Doctor, you told me that when I was here this morning."

Kathryn's gaze snapped back to his as the knot of worry in her stomach tightened. "You were in here this morning?"

The Doctor repeated his diagnosis. "Oedema beneath the anterior fossa of the cranium. Hairline fracture of the septum."

Chakotay snorted and waved away her concern. "I'm fine. Can we get back to the matter at hand?"

Kathryn frowned.

She really didn't like the idea that he was - probably - boxing on the holodeck to try and avoid dealing with their most recent encounter and the, once again, fresh wound of Roshan's death.

It had been weeks since the events, but she knew that he wasn’t likely to move past what happened easily.

Neither was she.

Quietly vowing to herself that she would sit him down and make him talk about it as soon as they got out of their current mess, Kathryn nodded.

"This Chaotic space we've entered, could it be stimulating the gene?"

"Possibly. The only way to make certain would be to get the ship out of here. In the meantime, the Captain will have to stay in Sickbay."

She frowned at him as the Doctor moved away from them.

"Tuvok tells me you've got a mean right hook."

Chakotay shrugged. "Never spar with a Vulcan."

"How are you doing?"

Though they weren't technically on speaking terms right now, she couldn't help the tight knot of worry that sat low in her belly.

"I'm all right."

"Really?" Kathryn wasn't entirely certain if she was just asking about his delusions anymore.

"I will be." Chakotay amended.

She wasn't certain his response was solely about the delusions, either.

"When I was a boy, my grandfather started seeing things nobody else could see, hearing what nobody else could hear. A couple of hyposprays a day, that's all he would have needed, but he was too stubborn. He said his spirit was in pain but that the wound must be honoured." Chakotay shook his head with a small huff of amusement. "Crazy old man."

Kathryn put her hand on his thigh - hello, memories - and tried to smile despite the red tinge that tainted her cheeks. "We'll get you through this."

Chakotay met her gaze evenly. "I trust you."

***

When the whole thing was finally over - some six hours later - Kathryn stood just inside the entrance to sickbay and looked at the form of Chakotay as he lay on the biobed.

The Doctor had assured her that he was fine, with no residing effects from the link with the aliens, but part of her had needed to see him with her own eyes, just to make sure that he was still with them in one piece.

Chakotay had finally begun to communicate with the aliens almost four hours after they first entered Chaotic space.

They had been trying to send him a message via the delusions, but his own fear of the 'crazy gene' had held him back from using the knowledge that the aliens were offering.

Once he had broken through that barrier of fear, he had followed the directions that the aliens had been sending him.

He had stood on the Bridge as the graviton shear quickly increased, tapping in a few commands on the main console behind the command chairs. Kathryn had been sceptical about letting him near the computer while he was ‘under the influence’, as it were, but in the end they’d had little choice but to trust him, even in his altered state of mind.

Suddenly, Voyager's sensors had set the correct course and the Ship was returned to normal space. Just like that.

Without prompting, Chakotay had returned to sickbay and the Doctor had checked him over again as Kathryn poured over reports to ensure that Voyager, like its Captain, hadn't been permanently damaged by the experience with yet another Delta Quadrant species.

"He's just sleeping."

Kathryn turned at the sound of Kes' soft voice and smiled slightly. "He looks very peaceful."

"He's fine."

"I know." She'd read the Doctor's report. "I just..."

Kes smiled. "I know."

Her smile was knowing and Kathryn was, once again, struck by how much the young woman had matured in the time that she had been on Voyager.

***

In a response to - no doubt a great many number of - complaints from Tom and B'Elanna when they discovered that Seven had been spying on them for a few weeks, the Doctor had determined that Seven of Nine needed the experience of dating added to her socialization training.

The 'spying' - though Seven had called it ‘ necessary observation’ when questioned - was clearly born from her simple curiosity about the complexities of the human mating ritual.

Kathryn had seen Seven stalking the halls of Voyager with a PADD in hand and a curious look on her face for almost three weeks before the Doctor mentioned it to her.

It had seemed odd to find the former Borg staring at her - though she hadn't noticed the pattern of it only happening when she was with Chakotay. Apparently the command team was case study number 2 - but she'd not thought to ask about it until the Doctor brought it up.

Apparently, B'Elanna had managed to hold her temper in check - which meant that nothing had been thrown at Seven's head but words had been exchanged - as she questioned the motives behind the detailed PADD full of activities that she and Tom had engaged in.

The Doctor had, therefore, decided that he would take her to the holodeck and run the Sandrine's program in order to give her some experience in making 'small talk' with potential suitors.

From all reports, the evening had gone reasonably well - at least, Seven had managed to buy the holographic character a drink and not offend him for at least half an hour - and they had decided that it was time to move on to the real dating scene with William Chapman.

Kathryn wasn't quite sure how - or why, for that matter – but, somehow, she had been roped in as the fashion assistant when it came time to chose Seven's outfit for her first date.

"Wouldn't you rather Kes do this?" Kathryn asked with a frown as she looked to the hovering EMH.

She wasn't sure that she was the best person to offer advice about dressing for a first date, especially since she hadn't actually been on a date in a depressingly long time.

"Lesson eight, Dress for Success!" The Doctor had told them.

Kathryn stood next to Seven as they went over the designs for more casual wear that the Doctor had designed for her.

Though she wore leathers like the rest of the crew, she had a whole potential wardrobe at her disposal and an unused ration account to blow.

"My appearance is sufficient." Seven protested again.

"Sufficient yes, but you could use a little more panache. Let's start by doing something different with your hair." He pulled the pin securing her hair in a twist. "I don't have much first-hand experience with this, but, try shaking your head a little bit."

She did as she was told, shaking her blonde hair out of the twist. "Is this more appropriate?"

"Yes. When I first designed your dermaplastic garment and leathers, I also tried my hand at some casual attire. You might want to replicate one of these." He pointed to the display of dresses scrolling across the screen.

"How shall I choose?"

"I think you'd look very nice in this one." The Doctor looked up and raised his eyebrow. "Kathryn?"

"Lovely."

Purple wasn't really her colour, but Seven could probably pull it off without any trouble.

Replicating the dress, Seven held it up and frowned at the Doctor. "I am uncertain how to wear such a garment. Assist me."

The EMH had never looked quite so uncomfortable before. "Oh, I, I, I'm sure you'll manage. Kathryn will help you. I'll go prepare the Holodeck. Remember, the idea is to have fun tonight. I'll expect a full report in the morning." He backed out of the Cargo bay quickly.

Kathryn turned to Seven. "Is he OK?"

"I was unaware of any damage to his program."

Helping her into the dress, Kathryn worked at the tie on the side of it. "Listen, Seven, I wanted to talk to you about the research you've been doing over the past few weeks."

"The Doctor has informed me that watching crewmembers is inappropriate. He expressed particular displeasure at my record of intimate relations between B'Elanna Torres and Tom Paris."

Displeasure was one way of putting it.

At least there was no chance that she had such records of the command team. "You can't record that sort of thing."

"I am aware of that now and have deleted the record." Seven nodded once when the tie was done up and spun in a circle.

Kathryn nodded her approval. "Perfect."

"I have also deleted my record of intimate relations between yourself and the Captain." Seven continued smoothly. "The Doctor has encouraged me to be more direct with my enquiries. Therefore, I wish to ask you a question."

Crap.

Kathryn thought she might swallow her tongue before she could form an answer, but she nodded anyway.

The sinking feeling in her stomach told her how much she was destined to regret giving her agreement.

"I am curious as to why you and Captain Chakotay have only had intimate relations once in the previous thirty eight days. My research indicates that human males prefer to engage in this activity more frequently."

Well, at least her gut wasn't wrong.

Kathryn frowned.

Had it really been that long?

When Kathryn thought about their encounter in the Ready Room and the events that followed - Chakotay's delusions, Seven's extensive research during another 'quiet' part of the Void - she was dismayed to find that it really had been.

After the truth to their 'blissful days' had been revealed, she had promised herself that she would make the time to talk with Chakotay and sort out where their relationship stood after the latest incident.

She also wanted to sit down with him and discuss the ramifications of what they had believed about Roshan.

While he hadn't returned to his isolation and was manning the Bridge every day during alpha shift, just as she did, Kathryn realized that she'd been putting it off and putting it off until over a month had gone by without her noticing.

Mentally promising herself that she would seek him out sometime in the next few days - a week at most - she nodded to herself and turned her attention back to the woman before her.

Seven was staring at her expectantly, awaiting an answer.

Kathryn wasn't sure what to tell her, so she finally settled on; "We're not a couple, Seven."

Seven didn’t miss a beat. "And yet you engaged in relations."

Kathryn frowned. "How do you know that?"

It wasn't something either of them had advertised.

Hell, they both appeared to be doing their best to avoid mentioning it - or that whole week, really - at all.

While she thought it strange that what had happened hadn't prompted Chakotay into pressing the issue of their relationship again, Kathryn wasn't sure if she was glad or offended that he appeared so willing to let this go.

Though, for as offended as she was, Kathryn was mostly just glad that he was talking to her again.

Even though they weren’t spending any time together outside of their duty shift, civility on the Bridge was enough for now.

"During your delusion, when we were approaching the mouth of the alien, you came to the cargo bay to sedate me."

She remembered that; she'd already apologised. "Yes..."

Seven continued, "Your respiratory system was erratic and your were pupils dilated. Hormone levels were in conjunction with the human mating ritual known as sex and your nipples-"

"OK!" She cut her off quickly. Kathryn was not going to discuss her nipples with Seven. Or anyone else - save for, perhaps, one man - for that matter. "Can you not share your knowledge with anyone else, please?"

"I will comply." Seven cocked her head to the side. "However, I would still like to understand why you engaged in relations with the Captain if you are not in an intimate relationship."

Kathryn coughed.

If she wasn't going to discuss her nipple activity with seven, she sure as hell wasn't going to discuss the finer points of casual - alien induced - sex with her.

"Ask the Doctor." She finally told her. "Come on, Chapman is probably waiting for you on the Holodeck."

***

"It was a complete success?"

Kes was practically beaming. "It really was. Seven has her second date tomorrow night."

"Wow." Kathryn was impressed that both Chapman and Seven had escaped the night with all of their limbs in tact. What's more, they were planning to do it again. "So our little ex-Borg is turning out to be quite the social butterfly."

"It would seem so." Kes smiled. "She's happy."

"Dating is supposed to make someone happy."

Or make them want to tear their hair out and commit murder, depending on who they were dating.

Picking up her cup, Kes took a sip as she nodded enthusiastically. "I'm glad for her. Seven has experienced quite a lot for a woman her age; she deserves the chance at happiness."

"You've done an amazing job with her, Kes."

Kathryn hadn't expected that Seven would ever reach the point she was at now.

While she had hoped for Seven’s humanity to come through - they all had hoped - it had still seemed like too much to ask of someone that had, effectively, been raised by the Borg.

Seven had come out of her Borg 'plural' mind, embracing humanity - though not always enthusiastically - in leaps and bounds.

It was truly hard to associate the woman who worked in the Astrometrics lab – one that she herself had helped to design and build - had once been part of the collective whose sole purpose in life was to assimilate.

"I didn't do that much." Kes protested. "Seven did all of the work herself, I just guided her when she needed it."

"Well, you guided her well." Kathryn amended, blinking slowly.

"Kathryn, are you OK?"

She frowned a little. "Just dizzy."

"I'll take you to sickbay." Kes told her, helping her stand.

She considered protesting, but for as kind as Kes was, she could be equally persuasive when she wanted to be.

They walked through the corridors slowly and it was only a few moments later that Kathryn was able to shake off the spinning feeling.

"I'm fine." She smiled.

"Still, the Doctor should examine you." Kes replied as they approached the doors. "And you're overdue for your physical."

"Kathryn, Kes." The Doctor greeted. "How can I help you?"

"Kathryn's dizzy."

"But fine now." She answered quickly.

"B'Elanna to Kathryn, please meet me in engineering as soon as possible."

Kathryn tapped her comm. badge. "On my way." Closing the link, she smiled apologetically at the Doctor. "The physical will have to wait."

The Doctor frowned but Kathryn suspect that he knew arguing would get him nowhere.

"I want you to wear a cortical monitor for the next twenty-four hours. It's probably a vitamin deficiency from an inappropriate diet," He gave her a pointed look, "But I'd like to make sure."

Kathryn nodded and tilted her neck to the side, allowing him to attach the monitor before she turned and headed to engineering.

***

Her hair hung loose down her back, covering the monitor on her neck.

She wasn't particularly concerned about the slight dizzy spell in the mess hall - or the others that she'd had intermittently over the previous weeks but pushed to the back of her mind - especially given her habit of forgetting to eat and indulging in one coffee too many.

She just didn't want Chakotay to see it and ask questions.

Despite her mental promise in the cargo bay the week before, she hadn't managed to work up the courage to approach him.

In fact, she had no idea how to start the conversation at all.

After her meeting in engineering - B'Elanna had wanted to know if she and Chakotay had looked over her proposal yet - Kathryn had spent most of the afternoon in her office, reading the reports she hadn't had a chance to look over yet - though they were all virtually useless with the lack of outside activity - and trying to convince herself that she wasn't avoiding the Captain.

Unfortunately, she wasn't quite as good at lying to herself as she'd hoped.

Sighing as she pulled her nightgown on, Kathryn crawled into bed and stared at the ceiling.

Regardless of what had happened between them, there was no way that she could continue to avoid him.

It wasn't conducive to the running of the Ship and, even though both of them weren't strictly required on the bridge while nothing much happened, she knew that they couldn't avoid the big pink elephant in the room forever.

If the crew started to notice and ask questions... she shuddered to think.

Civility on the Bridge was one – good – thing, but sooner or later they were going to have to interact on a more personal level.

Finally deciding that she had little choice but to bite the bullet, as it were, and talk to him, Kathryn closed her eyes.

***

Whatever had woken her needed to die, Kathryn decided as she forced her eyes open.

Sickbay greeted her and she frowned, certain that she had gone to sleep in her own bed last night.

When Kes moved into her line of sight, Kathryn frowned even more at the look on her face. "Hey."

"Kathryn, how are you feeling?"

"Fine." She pulled her body up to a sitting position on the biobed. "What am I doing here?"

"Kathryn..."

Kes looked uncomfortable.

It made her nervous.

Instinctively, she touched the base of her neck and could feel nothing but bare skin, frowning.

Obviously, they had removed the monitor.

"Kes?"

The Doctor came out of his office when he saw that she was awake.

“Doctor? What’s going on? Why am I here?”

He moved to the bedside, his voice quiet. "Kathryn, I'm very sorry, but you had a miscarriage early this morning."

Kathryn raised an eyebrow at him. "I wasn't pregnant."

She'd been feeling a little light headed of late, certainly, but that's why she'd had the cortical monitor on her yesterday, so the Doctor see if there was anything serious happening, though they had both known that it was more likely to be her poor eating habits as opposed to anything else.

"Yes, Kathryn, you were."

"But..." She wasn't going to ask 'how.' The image that jumped into her mind told her that, in full technicolour with sound and special effects. "I'm on boosters." She protested.

"A preventative measure which only works when one updates them." The Doctor reminded her, his voice firm but still gentle.

Oh yes. The physical I never got around to.

"I can't have been pregnant."

Kes touched her hand gently. "Kathryn..."

"No." She shook her head. "I would have know."

She was a woman, her body was programmed to know these things.

Kathryn shook her head again.

No.

She would have known.

Despite the fact that she was only wearing one of the more charming sickbay gowns, Kathryn pulled her body off the bed and left as quickly as her shaking legs would carry her.

***

She'd only been in Astrometrics for a few moments when the door opened.

For a second - a foolishly hopeful second - she thought that Seven may have been reporting for her duty shift early, but when she turned around and saw who was at the entrance, she sighed.

"You can't avoid this." Kes said gently as she moved into the room.

Kathryn looked down at her hands. "Does Chakotay know?"

"Yes. You're off-duty for the next few days. The Doctor had no choice but to inform the Captain."

"Why am I off-duty?"

Kes frowned as she moved to stand beside her at the main console. "Kathryn, you had a miscarriage."

"Were there complications?"

"No."

"Then why am I off-duty?" She asked again.

"Kathryn." Kes sighed. "You can't pretend that this didn't happen. You need to let yourself grieve."

"Why should I grieve for something I didn't know about? Why should I even care if there's nothing wrong with me now?" She didn't look at the young woman at her side, focusing instead on the empty screen in front of her. "It's over and done with, right? Nothing else to worry about?"

"Your emotional health is something to worry about."

Kathryn snorted. "It's never been all that great, I don't put a lot of stock into that one."

"You should talk to Chakotay." Kes said quietly.

"Excuse me; I'm going to be late for my duty shift." Ignoring her protests, Kathryn turned and headed out of the room.

***

Ringing the chime on the Ready Room door for the fourth time, Kathryn felt like a complete idiot as she stood on the Bridge.

She was convinced that everyone on duty was watching her - though she knew that they weren't likely to do that - and that they all knew.

Finally the door opened and she walked in, stepping out of the sensor grid to close the doors but standing as far back from him as she could.

Chakotay sat behind the desk, eyebrow raised.

Clearly I have to make the first move.

She took a deep breath. "Kes said the Doctor told you."

"Yes." Chakotay nodded once. "Though what he didn't tell me was why you hadn't said anything about it to anyone. Were you hoping the pregnancy would go unnoticed? The Birth would get mixed in with some other traumatic event? I haven't figured out how you were planning to explain away the sudden bundle of joy, but I'm sure you could have found a way."

"No, that's not-"

"I can't believe you didn't tell me. Especially after Roshan."

"I-"

"I don't want to talk to you right now."

"But-"

"Get out.” He growled. “Go and have your three days off duty. Think about how you don't have to worry about explaining anything to me now. Be glad that it all happened this way."

"Chak-"

"Get out." He repeated, his voice low.

Even though she had to pass by him, Kathryn left by the side door, convinced that she wouldn't make it across the bridge and into the safety of the turbolift before her tears fell.

As it was, she only made it a few steps down the hall before the first lick of salt water touched her cheek.

***

She spent the first day of her forced leave in bed, clutching her stomach and not bothering to stop the tears as they rolled down her cheeks, across her nose and onto the pillow.

Kathryn hadn't wanted to admit it, but Kes was right; there was no way that she could simply ignore what had happened and hope that it would go away.

She hadn't expected to feel sad about it.

When the Doctor had first told her, the only feeling she'd felt had been disbelief.

She was a woman and women were supposed to know these things.

But she didn’t and she had obviously done something wrong, though she didn’t know what.

She hadn't been engaging in any kind of strenuous activity beyond stretching her talents on the pool table in Sandrine's. She didn't know what she'd done, why it had happened, where she had gone wrong.

When she had gone to see Chakotay - and been confronted with his stellar response - all she had felt was shame.

Shame that she didn't know, couldn't tell him. Shame that his words - spoken in ignorance more than anger, she hoped - had hurt so much.

When would she have told him, if she hadn't miscarried?

As much as she wanted to, she couldn't find it in herself to be angry with him for what he had said.

She knew that he would hate himself when he learnt the truth but, until then, Kathryn was content to leave him alone.

Her leave would give him time to cool down, her time to adapt and they both needed that.

***

On the second day of her leave, she was almost surprised when she woke from another night of random bouts of sleep punctuated with insomnia to discover that it was her birthday.

Her fortieth, to be exact.

Turning forty didn't worry her as much as she had imagined - she was still young by today's standards - but the fact that she knew that there would be no celebratory dinner with her best friend this year made her sniffle.

Forcing herself out of bed, Kathryn pulled on her leathers and numbly left her Quarters.

She only passed a few crewmembers and they nodded their greeting, but she ignored them as she stared at the deck below her.

Her eyes were red and swollen, her nose raw from blowing it.

Anyone would be able to see that she had been crying if she looked up, so she didn't.

Pausing outside of sickbay, she asked the computer if there was anyone inside.

When it confirmed that Kes and the EMH were the only occupants, she stepped into the sensor grid and entered.

They were standing by the instrument table when she walked in and, when she knew she had their full attention, Kathryn sucked in a deep breath before speaking. "Why?"

Kes frowned. "Kathryn?"

"I want to know why it happened. What did I do wrong?"

The Doctor moved forward. "You didn't do anything wrong. The sad truth is that, even with all of the medical advancements we have, one in five pregnancies ends in miscarriage."

"Why mine, then?"

"There's no reason why some pregnancies do make it past the first trimester and some don't." He shook his head.

"Why didn't I know I was pregnant?"

"You've been under a lot of stress; an irregular menstruation cycle is to be expected with everything you've had to deal with over the last several months."

Which was exactly what she had assumed as well. "Why didn't the cortical monitor pick up that I was pregnant?"

"The monitor was only looking at your brain functions, not your bodily functions or your blood work."

"Will I be able to have children?"

"There's no reason why you shouldn't be able to. It was a clean miscarriage." He winced at the word.

"But why didn't this baby survive?" She hadn't realized she was crying again until Kes stepped forward to pull her into her arms. "Why, damnit?"

The Doctor touched her arm as she clutched at Kes. "I don't have the answers for you, Kathryn, I'm sorry."

***

She spent the third day of her leave much as she had spent the first; lying in bed and alternating between crying and fitfully sleeping.

The end result had seen her show up for alpha shift on the fourth day with red, swollen eyes, thinly concealed with makeup.

She was tired, beyond tired, and though the Doctor had assured her that the miscarriage hadn't caused any damage, she felt like she'd been hit by a Ship as big as Voyager.

Worse still, not only would Chakotay not talk to her, he was going out of his way to avoid even looking at her.

"There." Tom gasped, startling her out of her thoughts.

B'Elanna looked up from the engineering console. "What?"

"I saw something." He gasped again. "A star."

The EMH, who had been eager to spend some time on the bridge, rolled his eyes. "Remind me to check your eyesight."

"Harry, what do you see out there?" Chakotay asked.

"I see a densely packed region with thousands of star systems." He looked up from his console, grinning. "Looks pretty lively."

It was over.

She couldn't believe that it had only been a year.

By the same token, she couldn't believe that it had been a year already.

They had made it through the void, ship and sanity in tact - though she could admit to herself that her sanity was on rocky ground at the moment - and emerged back into populated space.

"Full speed ahead." Chakotay ordered quietly.

Kathryn tried to catch his eye, but he kept his gaze straight ahead.

She refused to acknowledge exactly how much that hurt and, instead, breathed a sigh of relief as stars began to pass by them on the view screen.

***

End