Simple Liberties - Season 3

Title: Simple Liberties – Season 3
Author: Ky (venom69)
Fandom: Star Trek: Voyager
Rating: Mature People
Summary: What if Chakotay had said no?
Character/Pairing: Janeway/Chakotay
Spoilers: None… the show’s ended!
Warnings: Language, sexual situations, character death.
Prompt Number for fic101: 60 - Touch
Author’s Notes: Song belongs to Elton John. Part 4 of the Simple Liberties series.
Disclaimer: Usual guff. Not mine, promise to put them back where I found them.
Date: 04/02/07

***

There's a rhyme and reason
To the wild outdoors
When the heart of this star-crossed voyager
Beats in time with yours

***

Since the couple of people I asked didn't know: The Luddites were a social movement of English textile workers in the early 1800s who protested - often by destroying textile machines - against the changes produced by the Industrial Revolution.

***

"Kathryn Janeway’s personal log, Stardate 50023.4"

Blowing out a long breath, Kathryn kicked her shoes off as she curled her legs underneath herself, a cushion clutched tightly in her hands as she studied the floor.

"It's been an... interesting, I think is the word, week. To start with, Chakotay is now a father. I'm not exactly sure what to say about that, but I guess I'll start at the beginning."

Sighing, she pulled the cushion tighter to her chest.

"After the message from Seska came through, we went to rescue her. Chakotay was reluctant, at first, but I think he knew from the start that he couldn't abandon his own child. Seska knew it too and used that to her advantage."

She wanted to add a few choice terms about the Cardassian... woman, but bit her tongue and continued.

"When we arrived at the origin of the message, we found Seska and the child... and four Kazon warships waiting. It was never going to go well for Voyager and in a matter of hours the Kazon were crawling through the Ship and Culluh had taken control of the Bridge."

Shuddering at the memory of the Maje slapping her to the floor when she tried to defend the crew, Kathryn mentally shook herself and pushed aside the anger that surfaced once more.

"They abandoned us on a barren planet. Suder and Tom were the only ones not there with us and in the end it was those two men that managed to re-take the Ship with the help of a group of Talaxian’s and our miraculous Doctor. Suder didn't survive."

Kathryn paused.

She hadn't known Lon Suder very well - and most of the crew had been afraid of him after the incident with Tuvok - but the loss of a life was never easy to take.

"When Tom and the Talaxian’s managed to get the Kazons off Voyager and beam us back from the planet, we found bodies everywhere. Culluh died in the Captain's chair,"

Kathryn thought Chakotay was going to have maintenance replace the chair before he sat in it again.

"And Chakotay found Seska's body in the Ready Room, just a few feet from the baby."

Sighing, Kathryn rose and began to pace.

"We spaced the bodies and got away from the disabled warships as quickly as possible. Chakotay had the Doctor look the baby over and he confirmed that the child is a Cardassian-Human hybrid and he is Chakotay's son."

Folding her arms across her chest, Kathryn drummed her fingers against her elbow.

"It seems we've gained ourselves a new, as yet un-named, crew member for the journey. Naomi's crib was donated and a lot of gifts were replicated to care for the infant. The crew is being incredibly supportive but I can't help but wonder as to Chakotay's state of mind."

She looked to their shared bulkhead, wishing that she could see through it.

"He was reluctant to accept the idea of the child being created the way he was. He was reluctant, at first, to respond to Seska's message and from what Harry tells me, Chakotay hadn't even touched the child in the Ready Room until Mister Kim walked in and forced him to attend the wrapped bundle that rested on the floor by Seska's body."

Unfolding her arms, she flopped back down onto the sofa.

"Everyone has offered their services in child-raising. I think Chakotay is just trying to let it sink in at this point. I know how he feels."

Kathryn sighed again.

It seemed like there should be more to say, more to explain about their newest crewmember and the events of the previous few days, but a headache had started behind her eyes and she just couldn't muster the energy to relive it all again.

"Computer, end log."

She could hear the loud wailing of an infant, even through the bulkhead and it did nothing to help with the pounding of her head.

Frowning, Kathryn waited for the cries to die down when Chakotay attended the baby.

And waited.

And waited some more.

Her frown deepening, she rose and moved out of her Quarters.

Even in the corridor, she could hear the loud screams as they increased in volume and the door to his Quarters opened as soon as she was within the sensor's reach.

"Chakotay?" No answer came forth, but Kathryn wasn't sure that she'd be able to hear it anyway.

Wincing against the noise, she could see the baby flailing in the crib by the view port as tears streaked down his face.

Crossing the room in a few short steps, she picked the infant up and held him to her, rocking and jiggling his small body as she often did with Naomi.

"Hey little man." She hummed, the vibrations transferring to the baby.

His Cardassian features were almost non-existent at this point - the Doctor estimated that they would start to show more aggressively at six months, but he could cosmetically alter that - and he simply looked like a distressed human baby.

Holding him close, she moved back and forth, swaying her hips until the tears stopped leaking from his dark eyes and he watched her, his eyelids drooping sleepily.

"Did all that crying wear you out, little man?"

His head held protectively against the crook of her arm, Kathryn watched as his eyes closed and his body relaxed in her arms.

Watching him, she sighed quietly.

Like Chakotay, it still hadn't quite 'sunk in' that the baby was really here - was really his - and would grow up as part of the Voyager family that they were slowly creating.

Their journey was approaching three years old now and while Kathryn was reasonably content with the turn of events, it seemed like every new day of the Delta Quadrant life was spent trying to dodge the latest drama or death-trap.

She'd asked herself the question a hundred times over when Sam was pregnant but, now, looking at the dark skinned baby in her arms, she asked herself again: What kind of life is this for a child?

Aside from the obvious impracticalities of having a baby - or babies, as it now was - on the Ship, Kathryn found herself confronted with the feelings that she'd forced away when they stepped onto the bridge a short time ago after their stay in paradise.

Regardless of what she wanted to tell herself, Kathryn knew that they had started something - potentially meaningful, potentially lust-driven - while they had lived together and, now that she was looking at his child, she found those feelings coming back to bite her in the ass.

A traitorous little voice whispered in her ear that she could have been this baby’s mother if things had been just a little different, but Kathryn refused to let her thoughts dwell there for long and forced herself to think about something else.

After their time on New Earth and their 'stay' on the barren world, this was the first time that she'd been near Chakotay’s Quarters in more than seven months.

Before they had been kicked off Voyager by the Kazon, she'd been avoiding any personal contact with him like the plague and afterwards, there had simply been too much to do - repairs, getting the crew re-settled, dealing with the thought of another baby aboard - for her to worry about it, but now that she needed the distraction, she glanced around the room.

His living area was in disarray, bottles and blankets and clothes and toys were strewn around. The only thing that looked to have a place was the crib as it rested against the view port near his sofa.

She didn't hear Chakotay approaching and when his voice came from behind her, Kathryn jumped a little.

"I couldn't do that."

"Do what?"

Chakotay sighed and scrubbed a hand over his face before moving to sit on the couch. "Pick him up."

"He's your son." Kathryn frowned, confused.

"Is he?"

When she looked at him, she could see the tired lines etched in his normally handsome features.

They'd been back on Voyager for almost two days and Kathryn had to wonder if Chakotay had slept at all in that time.

"The Doctor confirmed it." She finally replied, trying to be as tactful as possible.

"So, since biology says that we're related, I should open my arms and welcome the kid into my heart, is that it?"

Kathryn flinched at the anger in his voice, instinctively curling the sleeping baby further into her arms protectively and stepping back.

"I'm sorry." He sighed.

"Chakotay, bonding takes time."

"You seem to have done it in all of thirty seconds."

"I'm a woman, remember?" She grinned and was relieved when he smiled at the joke. "Honestly, it just takes time."

She didn’t want to force the issue, but there was no way that this baby could survive with a father that was too scared to pick him up.

Moving to his side, she kept one hand supporting the small head as she passed him to Chakotay, who held out his own arms with a funny look on his face.

"He wont bite." Kathryn whispered.

Chakotay looked down and then up - and Kathryn was suddenly struck by the thought that he could probably see down her gaping shirt - before his eyes finally twinkled in amusement. "Did you meet his mother?"

Huffing her own amusement, she waited until the baby was re-settled before sitting down next to Chakotay. "Point taken."

Chakotay was examining the infant that he held, looking over the blue clothes - borrowed or donated from someone, Kathryn assumed - and the dark skin. "He's so tiny."

Kathryn pulled one of the little socks further up on the baby's foot. "He'll get bigger."

Turning his head to face her, Chakotay stared at her for a long moment, his gaze intense. "I don't think I can do this."

"We'll all help you." She touched his arm gently as they both turned to watch the baby. "I'll help you."

***

When she finally made it to alpha shift the next morning, Kathryn felt more drained than she ever had in her life.

Throughout the night, Chakotay had called her numerous times for help when he couldn't settle the fussing baby.

Apparently, the man that doted on his nieces and nephews and Naomi had left the 'hard stuff' to their parents.

Kathryn had sat with him for the first feeding, the first burping, the first - technically second - crying fit and she wasn't even going to think about the first diaper change.

When they returned to Voyager and found the baby, Chakotay had taken him straight to sickbay to see the Doctor and that was where he'd stayed until just an hour before Kathryn had walked in to find him crying in the crib the previous night.

Stifling a yawn, Kathryn sat up straighter in her chair and tried to force her body awake.

"Where's dad?" Tom asked from the helm, spinning his chair around to face her.

"He'll be here soon." Kathryn replied. "And Tom, go easy on the jokes, OK?"

He nodded. "We all want to help."

"I know."

No matter what life in the Delta Quadrant had thrown at them, Kathryn was never surprised with the way that the crew handled each and every situation.

It seemed that there was little that they couldn't find a way to get through and she had no doubts that the arrival of the baby would be the same.

Now, if only she could convince their Captain of that...

***

After she'd been on the Bridge for four hours with no sign of Chakotay and nothing particularly interesting or urgent requiring her attention, Kathryn turned command over to Tuvok and headed straight for Chakotay's Quarters.

It wasn't that she didn't trust his parenting abilities - though it was hard to when he was continuously telling her that he possessed none - she was worried.

When they baby hadn't settled back to sleep after being fed and burped, Chakotay had been frantic with worry that he'd done something wrong and it left Kathryn wondering what he would do if faced with the same situation alone while she wasn't next door.

She'd spent half an hour, sometime between four and five in the morning, trying to convince him that sometimes babies just weren't ready to sleep and just wanted to be held. She hadn’t yet broached the subject that babies sometimes just wanted to cry; she wasn’t sure how he’d take that one.

Once again, the door opened when she stepped into the sensor grid and when she entered, she found Chakotay asleep on the sofa.

He shirt was somewhere in the vicinity of the bedroom - the first spit up had been as fun as the first diaper change - and the baby was asleep on his chest, tiny fists clenched as both of their bodies rose and fell with Chakotay's breaths.

Smiling, she let her eyes drink in the sight tenderly once more before she backed out of the room quietly and headed towards engineering.

B'Elanna was going to love the mental images of this one.

***

"I'm going to die." He told her.

"Stop being so dramatic."

"No, seriously. Death is imminent."

"Chakotay, have faith. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel."

He snorted. "It's probably a train."

Kathryn handed him a large glass of iced tea. "It's an adjustment period, that's all."

"Why do people do this willingly? Why?"

Setting the salad down on the table, she nodded him over. "Children bring a lot of joy to a person’s life."

Chakotay managed to pull his body up off her sofa with a minimal amount of groaning and moved to sit opposite her. "Joy? So far all I'm feeling is sleep deprivation and the need to replicate a new shirt every few hours."

"It's only been a few days," She reminded him as she dished out their dinner. "And this is your first night off, enjoy it."

Samantha had volunteered to look after the baby for a few hours so the Captain could get some rest and/or sanity.

Everyone could see the toll that the previous few nights had taken on him in such a short time.

Kathryn was grateful that the area of space they were travelling through was relatively dull; she wasn't sure how Chakotay would go if there was a crisis on the bridge in tandem with a baby crisis.

"Do you know how many times I have been dragged from the sweet embrace of sleep in the past three nights?"

She did, because she had been pulled from her own precious sleep each time as she had lain awake and waited for his call for help.

Kathryn shrugged anyway. "No?"

"Eight. Times. A. Night."

Kathryn speared a tomato with her fork. "It will get better."

"When? Do you have a Stardate for this 'better'?"

She wondered if he knew that he was whining. "Chakotay?"

"Yes?"

"Do you wish we hadn't followed the message?"

"No."

His answer was automatic and it made her smile.

He may have wanted to complain about all of the baby paraphernalia that littered his Quarters, he may have wanted to complain about all of the work involved with just keeping him alive - and by God, he certainly didn't hold back on the complaints - but deep down, Kathryn knew that Chakotay was probably thrilled to have a son, regardless of his maternal heritage.

Smiling, she dipped her head to hide the grin.

"Thank you."

Looking up at him again, Kathryn frowned. "For what?"

"For everything." He smiled. "You're helping me with all of the baby stuff that I don't know, you're keeping the Ship afloat and, most of all, you're listening to me whine."

So he did know, then. "Anytime.” She shrugged. “What are XO's for?"

"Not for doubling as Nanny's, I imagine."

Kathryn laughed and winked. "I guess I'm just special then."

"You have no idea."

***

Holding the baby securely in one arm, Kathryn used her free hand to support the bottle as he suckled at the warm liquid inside.

"Hungry, little man?" She murmured.

Moving to the sofa in the Ready Room, Kathryn sat as she waited for Chakotay to finish in engineering.

B'Elanna had wanted a few minutes of his time to discussing some ideas for warp core modifications that she had and Kathryn had been called in for feeding time.

"We really should ask your dad about a name, shouldn't we, little man?"

Kathryn had been calling the baby 'little man' for over two weeks and she feared that it was going to end up sticking and scar the kid for the rest of his life.

Despite his maternal heritage, the crew were completely taken with the small bundle of joy and Chakotay had told her that babysitting offers were coming in fast.

More importantly, the Captain seemed to have found some sort of stable routine that worked for him and his child.

His child...

Kathryn sighed.

She wasn't completely used to the idea of the baby belonging to Chakotay. She could certainly see their Captain's features in the infant, but that didn't push away the part of her that held some pretty severe feelings about the situation as it gnawed at her.

Her comm. badge beeped, interrupting the self-pity that was about to wash over her and Kathryn managed to tap the link open while the baby continued to guzzle his lunch.

"Tuvok here. We have detected a gaseous anomaly that contains sirillium." He reported.

"Sirillium? That's a highly combustible and versatile energy source." If they could get their hands on some and stockpile it, then that would go a long way to helping their ever-drained energy reserves. "Alter course to investigate."

"Yes ma'am."

Closing the link again, she looked down at the baby and the half-full bottle. "Looks like you're going to be sitting in the big chair with me today, little man."

Rising, Kathryn moved to the Bridge.

***

"Is he meant to do something?"

"You want him to juggle? Recalibrate the warp core? Cook meals?"

"It'd be nice if he could help with the plasma manifolds, but I meant something a little simpler. Say, crawling?"

"He's a month old."

"Too early for that?"

"I'd say so." Picking up the PADD that the Doctor had given them, Kathryn scanned the paragraphs until she found something on the developmental stages of babies under one. "Cooing and babbling, Continual awareness of sound and Stare and focus at faces. Lift head briefly when on stomach. Uses eye gaze to indicate interest."

Chakotay frowned as he looked down at the baby. "He stares at whatever is in his line of sight."

"I guess that's where his interest is, then." Kathryn wasn't going to gloat over the fact that, currently, she was in the baby's line of sight.

"Is that all he can do?"

"Well, he can tackle a full bottle like no one else and he's mastered sleeping and crying."

Chakotay rolled his eyes in retaliation to her sarcasm. "When will he crawl?"

"When he's ready, I imagine."

"That doesn't tell me a lot." Chakotay frowned.

"As we have already established," Kathryn replied, dropping the PADD back onto the coffee table before moving to sit in one of the free armchairs. "I am not a mother. I can only tell you what the Doctor tells me and what I know of Naomi's first year."

"So I should be patient and wait for the milestones to come on their own?"

Kathryn shrugged. "That's my suggestion."

Shrugging and sighing, he focused on the infant in his arms.

“I’ve set up a babysitting rotation.” Chakotay announced after a moment of silence. “He will be looked after at all times. Either by me or a willing crewmember. We should be able to manage things.”

Kathryn knew that Chakotay had worried about the baby interfering with his duties but, if anything, the recent incident with Tuvok’s flashbacks and Tom and Harry’s stint in prison had proved to them all that he was capable of being a Captain and a father.

And still quite capable of yelling at her when she decided to dive head first - literally - into a prison full of men that hadn’t seen a woman in god only knew how long.

Chakotay had yelled at her, albeit briefly, for her little stunt.

They had agreed that, while she would go on the rescue mission, she would stay on Neelix's little ship and wait for the others to return.

Kathryn had boarded Neelix's ship with every intention of doing just that, but as soon as they'd attached themselves to the prison ship, she'd grabbed a large compression phaser rifle, set it to wide beam and been half way down the chute before anyone could blink.

"I'm sure it will work." Kathryn finally replied.

"As long as I don't have someone threatening to give me more grey hairs by going off like some kind of thrill seeker."

"You would have done the same." She returned quickly. They'd had this argument twice before and a familiar pattern was beginning to establish itself.

"I don't look like a large, juicy steak to those starving men."

"You're comparing me to meat again." She thought it odd that a vegetarian chose that particular analogy.

"And you are, once again, evading the discussion."

"Chakotay, we've had the discussion twice. Is the third time going to be the charm? I know you disagree with what I did but I'm pretty sure that repetitive verbal dress-downs aren't Maquis punishment."

"No, you're right there. The appropriate punishment would be a few rounds in the boxing ring with me, but you're too pretty for that." Shuffling until he moved the baby into a more comfortable position, Chakotay nodded to him as he 'oohed' and 'ahhed' at her. Or, at least, in her general direction. "See? The little guy agrees with me."

Kathryn glared. "Is that a challenge?"

Snorting, Chakotay shook his head. "Of course not. The little guy wouldn't forgive me if I gave you a black eye."

"Have you thought of a name for him yet?" She was tempted to continue their verbal sparring - not that she would admit to gaining any pleasure from it - but Kathryn knew that, between them, it could go on for an extremely long time. "We can't keep calling him little guy or, sooner or later, he's going to develop some kind of complex."

"To be honest, I still haven't convinced myself that he's really here."

Holding her hands out, Kathryn took the baby from Chakotay and held him perched on her knees. Big brown eyes focussed on her face, watching her intently. "Hey Little Man. We've got to get you a name."

"You have any suggestions?"

"Me?" Kathryn blinked.

"You're the closest thing to a mother that he has."

"Oh." She hadn't thought of it like that. Well, she had, but only in passing and only long enough to convince herself that she really didn't want to be thinking about it like that. "I don't know."

"Not so easy, is it?"

There was a lump in her throat and Kathryn wasn't quite sure why. "No, I guess not."

***

Her babysitting 'shift' was two hours after alpha shift and Kathryn sat in Chakotay's Quarters, smiling at the baby as he smiled a toothless smile back at her.

It had been decided when the roster was first implemented, that life was generally easier if the babysitter just went to the baby as opposed to various bags and paraphernalia having to be carried all over the ship and, inevitably, being left behind here and there.

It wouldn’t do for someone to trip over a rattle in the middle of a shift.

She'd been 'on duty' for almost a week with their littlest crewmember and, some days, Kathryn couldn't help but wonder if it was simply coincidence that she was watching Voyagers bundle of Joy when Chakotay got off duty.

"Hey little man." She picked the baby up from his mat on the floor and moved to the change table that had, after a week, been set up by the crib. "Let's get you changed before daddy gets home. You don't want to smell, then he'll think I'm neglecting you."

Quickly changing the diaper, Kathryn moved back to the sofa as she sat reading a report about the Doctor - who appeared to be suffering from something akin to severe memory loss, though they had no one to diagnose that officially - while the baby tried to mimic the sounds that her PADD made.

"Hard at work?"

"Actually, yes." She hadn't heard the doors open and Kathryn quickly glanced down and smiled at the baby curled into the crook of her arm.

"Has he been good?"

"Of course. Any news on the Doctor?"

"We're running the Jupiter Station diagnostic program. B'Elanna is going to contact me when they know something." Chakotay tossed his leather vest over the back of a chair and sat down next to her, taking the baby from her arms. "Hey little guy."

"Seriously need to get him a name." Kathryn prompted, tapping the PADD against her fingers in a nonsensical rhythm.

"I thought you were working on it."

He'd made the crack about her being the closest thing to a mother that the baby had over a week ago and Kathryn still hadn't been able to get her mind to let the sentence go.

She was sure that it had been more of an off-handed comment at best and she really wanted to chalk it up to the fact that she lived next door and, if she didn't help him when he needed it, the wails of a distressed child would rob her of any chance at sleep.

It didn’t seem to be working, though.

"Rollins wants to call him Spits." Chakotay continued, keeping the conversation going despite her silence.

"Spits?"

"Apparently the little guy is always spitting up his lunch when Rollins is babysitting."

“You can’t call him Spits.” She chuckled a little. "That would be cruel."

"I know." Chakotay shrugged. "But I told her I'd think about it anyway."

Kathryn tickled the baby's foot. "Keeping the babysitters happy, hmm?"

"Absolutely. We're not silly, are we, little guy?"

The baby gurgled in response.

***

Walking into the holodeck, Kathryn frowned at the beige room that greeted her.

"This is Jupiter Station?"

A man identical to their Doctor - though wearing the black and gold of Starfleet - was the one to greet her. "A simulation of it, yes. And you are?"

"Kathryn Janeway." He didn't look impressed by that. "A friend of the Doctor's."

"Are you the one that did the damage?"

"Damage?" She repeated, fighting the urge to hold her hand up in a girl scout's pose and declare her innocence.

"Your EMH has been severely altered. Music subroutines have been added. Personality. Interests. Creativity. Art. Friendships. Sexual competence! And do not even get me started on the clothes that some imbecile has dressed him in."

She wasn't going to.

It had taken a while but, eventually, they'd all stopped being amused by the Doctors leathers and simply accept it for just another quirk involved in the lives of a Voyager.

"He's an individual." She explained, trying desperately to ignore the sight of their Doctor - her friend - sitting in a chair, staring blankly at the walls.

The lights may be on there, but there was definitely no one home.

"He is a computer program."

"So are you." Kathryn reminded the hologram sharply, turning her attention back to the brisk man in front of her.

"I am a true and likely representation of Doctor Lewis Zimmerman."

Kathryn raised her eyebrow. "And yet I can still end your program with a few words."

"Do you want your Doctor fixed or not?"

"Can you do it?" She doubted his ability to do anything but offer negative comments and sarcasm at this point.

"I'm working on it." The hologram snapped, turning back to a wall panel and effectively ending their conversation.

***

"Is the Doctor going to be alright?" Kes asked, her eyes wide with fright and anticipation. "It seems to be taking forever."

Kathryn silently agreed.

"That's to be expected." B'Elanna explained quietly. "It's a complex procedure."

"Doctor Zimmerman said he didn't know if our Doctor would be restored to his programming or he'd regain the memories of the past years."

"I think at this point we'd be glad to have him back no matter what."

While that was true, Kathryn wanted the man that he'd come to be back, not the harsh program he'd been in the beginning.

"Zimmerman programme alpha one is now complete." The smooth voice of the computer made the three women freeze and exchange glances, waiting for someone to make the crucial move.

Kes was the first to regain her wits and speak. "Computer, activate Emergency Medical Holographic Programme."

"Please state the nature of the medical emergency."

"It worked!" Kathryn gasped.

Kes threw her arms around him. "Doctor, I am so glad to see you."

The EMH frowned. "Are you ill, young woman?"

"No. No, there's no emergency. I, er, I just wanted to see if you were all right." Kes didn't look disheartened at his apparent lack of recognition.

"It is very irresponsible to make such frivolous use of the EMH. Where's your Chief Medical Officer?"

"We don't have one." Kathryn replied.

B'Elanna raised her hand. "Actually I have an awful headache."

"A headache. Nurse, tricorder." He nodded and took the tricorder from Kes' outstretched hand. "You're the nurse?"

She shrugged. "In a way."

Quickly scanning B'Elanna, the Doctor nodded. "This woman has a mild inflammation of the occipital tissues. Hardly enough to complain about but I'm willing to give you a mild analgesic."

"Thank you." B'Elanna raised her eyebrow and Kathryn shrugged.

He wasn't quite the program that they'd activated when they'd first been pulled into the Delta Quadrant, but he certainly wasn't the man that had been practicing his opera on the holodeck just a few days before.

"Get me the vasal constrictor and prepare a hypo-spray with three percent hydrocortaline."

"Yes sir." Kes smiled as she moved to prepare the hypospray, clearly glad to have him back in whatever capacity they could get.

Administering the hypospray to B'Elanna's neck, the three women stood quietly for a moment until the soft strands of a tune began to float towards them.

"il sogno ch'io vorrei sempre sognar!"

Looking into the Doctor's office, Kathryn could see him singing along to the tune that he hummed as he worked and she couldn't help but grin.

***

"The Doctor is back to normal?"

"Mostly." Kathryn glanced down at her tray and quickly decided that it would be easier to eat it if she didn't look. "We're hoping that his personality will come back over the next few days."

"Good."

"Ingenious solution to get us out of the swarm, by the way."

Though she'd been in sickbay or the holodeck for most of their 'great escape', Kathryn had read the report on how Chakotay had come up with the idea to continuously reconfigure their shields as they tried to slip past the borders of space that the 'swarm' of ships claimed.

"Thank you." Chakotay tugged at his earlobe self-consciously. "Kathryn?"

"Yes?"

"The little guy has to go for his six week old check tomorrow."

"Already?" Had he really been with them for six weeks? It hardly seemed possible to her. But, at the same time, it felt like a hell of a lot longer.

"Yes. The Doctor gave me a tight schedule to follow for it. He downloaded a parenting database into his program, before..." He coughed. "Anyway. I think he may try and ask me questions to test me for post-natal depression."

"And how do you feel about that?" Kathryn asked seriously.

"Funny." He rolled his eyes. "I'm wondering if you'll come with me?"

"To the check-up?"

"Yes."

"Of course I will. But, Chakotay, is this just so you can make the Doctor ask me the post-natal questions?"

"Maybe." Chakotay grinned. "How would you feel about that?"

***

"What do you mean 'hmmm'?"

Chakotay had been shooting daggers at the Doctor for almost an hour and, beyond 'hmm', all they had been able to get out of him was 'ahh.'

Neither of them was counting that as progress.

The Doctor, for his part, was continuously looking annoyed. "I'm trying to concentrate, Captain."

"Then be more verbal in your concentrations before I decompile your damn program!"

For all of his initial whining - which he freely admitted to, now - Chakotay had come to relish being a parent and Kathryn was forever grateful for the support of the 'team' that baby sat when necessary, giving their Captain a welcomed break, if only to work.

The system that they had developed worked; they had seen the evidence for themselves during the incidents with Tuvok, the Doctor and the 'false Ferengi profits' as well as they day-to-day running of the Ship.

While they hadn't been without incident - Chakotay had gone on an away mission and come back with memories of a war that he didn't fight and they'd had to have others take care of the baby while his father tried to keep his sanity against the painful images that fluttered through his mind at random intervals - for the most part, things were running smoothly.

A balance had been found between fatherhood and a Captaincy.

Considering the somewhat rocky start to their 'bonding', Kathryn was slightly amused to see how protective Chakotay had become of the little guy in the weeks that he'd been with them.

Her amusement, unfortunately, didn't help to quell the thrum of worry that surged through her with each frown that creased the Doctors face and it didn't help to quell the desire to protect the little guy that surged forth each time the Doctor scanned him.

"There's something unusual in his genetic coding." The Doctor finally told them, turning his attention from the baby lying on the biobed to the two worried people that stood by his side.

"Can you be more specific?" Kathryn asked.

"I can only speculate that it's a bi-product of his heritage. In Starfleet history, Cardassian-Human hybrids are virtually unheard of. Aside from the obvious political differences, there has never been a need to study the mixed-racial breeding. In short, we don't know a lot about how an infant of that heritage is supposed to develop. The oddities in the 'little guy's" The Doctor scrunched his nose up at the term or affection but continued anyway, "DNA may be perfectly normal. I can do some research, but at this point, I really don't know what to tell you."

"Research it." Chakotay ground out, his jaw tight. "Now."

Kathryn didn't say anything when Chakotay's hand gripped hers.

***

"We don't know anything yet." She placated an hour later when they'd returned to her Quarters while the baby remained in sickbay for further testing.

Chakotay had wanted to stay - so had Kathryn, if she was honest with herself - but the Doctor had shook his head and told them that he would have answers faster if he could work without being threatened.

"That's what worries me." Chakotay admitted, pacing back and forth across her living Quarters.

Kathryn watched him for a long moment as he ran his hands through his already mussed hair. "You're going to wear my carpet down."

Stopping mid-stride, Chakotay looked down and then met her gaze. "Sorry."

Moving to sit beside her on the sofa, Chakotay sat down with a huff, his shoulders slumped.

"I know it's hard, but try not to worry." Kathryn wasn't sure what to say at that point that would be considered useful.

"What if the Doctor can't figure out what the 'oddity' is in Roshan's DNA?"

"Roshan?" Kathryn repeated, blinking before she smiled softly. "You picked a name for him?"

"Yeah."

"What does it mean?"

"It means shining light." Chakotay told her. "It's from the Mayan Indians. They left Earth for Trebus around 900 A.D. but the name itself is supposedly a mix between Maya and Hindu." He explained quietly.

"I like it."

"Good." His hand touched her thigh and he sighed again. "I'm worried, Kathryn."

"I know." She replied, her voice as quiet as his. "I am too."

***

Kathryn opened her eyes just a crack, trying to figure out why her living room was upside down.

It took a good few moments of squinting, but she finally realised that the living room was the right way up but her head wasn't.

Lying on the sofa with her head dangling off the edge, Kathryn moaned in protest when she tried to move, her stiff neck making its complaint known to the rest of her body.

Finally pulling herself back into a more reasonable position, she frowned at the sleeping man on the floor beside her.

"What the...?"

He groaned and flung an arm across his eyes. "What time is?"

Kathryn glanced at the chronometer. "Almost time for me to be on the Bridge."

Despite her words, she didn't actually make any kind of effort to move.

"Did the alarm go off?"

Frowning more, Kathryn shook her head. "I don't think so."

"Doctor to the Captain."

They shared a look; apparently, that was what had woken them.

"Chakotay here. Do you have an answer?"

"I'm afraid not, Captain. I'm still researching the oddity but I've yet to find anything helpful."

"Is Ro-the baby, alright?"

"He is fine. You're welcome to take him home now. I've completed all of the tests and I will continue to work on an answer."

"I'll be there shortly." Closing the link, Chakotay smiled slightly before finally pulling himself up on the ground.

Stretching - she was not going to let herself look at the bare skin that was revealed when his shirt rode up - Chakotay sighed before he bent and kissed her cheek. "Thank you."

Kathryn's skin tingled for a good few moments after he left.

***

The Nechani had invited them to take a few days shore leave on their world and, since deep-space negotiations had gone so well, Chakotay had agreed.

While he stayed on the surface and took Roshan on his first walk in natural sunlight, Kathryn had followed Kes and Neelix on a tour of the underground sanctuary that honoured the ancestral spirits.

She was following the Magistrate when she heard Neelix's cry for help.

"Help! Somebody! We need help!"

She hadn't realized that he and Kes weren't with them and both Kathryn and B'Elanna turned and ran toward the sound of his cries.

B'Elanna frowned at the sight of Kes lying on some large steps and she turned to Neelix while Kathryn bent to check the other woman's pulse. "What happened?"

"You mustn't be here. This shrine is protected." The Magistrate was frowning and shaking his head.

"She didn't touch anything." Neelix protested. "She went as far as that archway and then an energy field knocked her down."

"Torres to Voyager. We have a medical emergency. Beam Kes and Neelix directly to sickbay."

Neelix reached out to touch Kes' arm and they both disappeared under the transport.

"This is most unfortunate." The Magistrate watched the transporter beam dispassionately before turning back to Kathryn and B'Elanna. "Please, I must ask you to leave as well."

Kathryn shook her head. "We aren't going anywhere until we find out what happened to her. What kind of energy was she exposed to?"

"I have no idea. This is a sacred place. Only the monks truly understand what happens here."

B'Elanna shrugged. "Then we'll bring scanning equipment down and investigate for ourselves."

The Magistrate looked shocked at the suggestion. "That's out of the question. It would show disrespect to the spirits."

"One of our crew has been critically injured. We aren't going to stand by and do nothing."

"There's nothing you can do. She's been punished by the spirits. She's going to die." The Magistrate shrugged.

Kathryn watched the colour rise in B'Elanna's face, clouding her features with an anger that she shared.

"If you prevent us from helping Kes, we will hold you directly responsible for anything that happens to her."

"I will make a full report to our Captain." Kathryn added. "I'm sure you'll be hearing from him."

"I'll be happy to talk to him and do whatever I can to help, but your presence here only makes a delicate situation worse. Please, leave now."

Kathryn called for a transport and headed straight to sickbay, opening a link to Chakotay as she walked, B'Elanna beside her.

"Sorry for interrupting your time with Roshan, but we've got a problem..."

***

By the time she made it to sickbay, Chakotay was already there.

He'd called the transporter room and had them beam himself and Roshan directly to sickbay and they stood by Kes' biobed.

When B'Elanna and Kathryn moved to stand beside the other two worried occupants, the Doctor nodded and began his report.

"Her life signs are very weak but stable. It appears that her synaptic pathways have undergone severe neuroleptic shock which is disrupting all cortical functions. It is similar to a comatose state but with none of the usual biochemical markers." The Doctor explained.

"You can cure her, can't you?" It was Neelix that spoke, but Kathryn had reached the same conclusion.

"I can't even speculate on a treatment until I know more about what caused her condition."

"We're working on that." Kathryn supplied, turning her attention to Chakotay. "We aren't allowed near the area where the accident occurred, the crew are scanning the sanctuary from Voyager. They'll report their findings to you, and I have an appointment to talk to the magistrate. I'm hoping he'll be able to cut through some of the restrictions the monks have set up."

Chakotay nodded. "Agree to whatever they want - within reason, of course."

Neelix stepped forward. "Excuse me, Captain. I'd like to do something to help."

"The Nechani must have records, some kind of scientific data on this energy field. Go down to the planet and see what you can find." Chakotay replied, Roshan sleeping through the entire exchange in his arms.

"I'll be back soon." Neelix turned and rushed out of sickbay.

Kathryn exchanged worried glances with the other occupants of the room. "I'm going to go and see if I can get anywhere with the Magistrate."

***

Kathryn sat with Roshan in her lap, sighing as she started at the doors to her Quarters, willing them to open.

Roshan's little legs kicked out and she smiled down at him. He was guzzling at the bottle enthusiastically and she wiped the small bit of liquid that hadn't made it to his mouth while she waited for Chakotay.

Apparently, the magistrate had wanted to talk to the Captain of Voyager and the Captain only, so she'd patched the Magistrate through to the Ready Room and taken on the role of providing lunch for one hungry baby.

Kes was still is sickbay and the Doctor had no idea how to help her and while the 'honored ancestors' refused them entry to the sanctuary, no one really had any better ideas.

When her doors slid open - she really should tell people to knock - and Neelix entered, Kathryn felt her stomach clench at the sad look on his face.

"How is she?" She asked quietly.

Neelix shook his head and sighed. "I'm afraid there's been no change. I was just in Sickbay and the Doctor can't do anything more to help her."

"Did you find anything helpful?"

"I've researched everything I could find about the sacred shrine. I didn't uncover much scientific evidence but there was one story, it was in a very old text, I'm not sure how reliable, about a boy who recovered from a condition like Kes's. He was a young prince. He wandered into the shrine and accidentally he went into a death sleep. Everyone said it was the will of the spirits. His father, King Nevad, refused to accept that so he went through the ritual to seek an audience with the spirits and he pleaded for his son's life. The spirits in their infinite mercy granted his request. That was the only trace of hope that I could find."

"Maybe it's enough." Kathryn tapped her comm. badge. "Kathryn to Tuvok."

"Tuvok here."

"Is the Captain finished with the Magistrate?"

"He just left the Bridge."

"Do you know if he was successful or not?"

"The Captain looked most... displeased when he exited."

She'd take that as a no, then. "Thank you Tuvok." She closed the link and turned her attention back to Neelix. "I'll see what the Captain says. We wont leave her like this Neelix, I promise you."

It wasn't strictly her place to make promises like that, but Kathryn knew that Chakotay wouldn't leave Kes in her current state any more than she would have.

Neelix nodded and turned, leaving her alone with Roshan again, waiting.

***

Kathryn didn't have to wait long.

When Chakotay stalked into her Quarters - Seriously. Had to work on the knocking thing - she was in the process of burping Roshan.

"Idiots!" Chakotay fumed.

"Nice to see you too." Kathryn murmured, but she knew that he wouldn't have heard her. Or, if he did, he would ignore it.

"They wont help. Apparently, the monks in the shrine don't involve themselves with government and the government don't interfere in their spiritual matters. It's been that way for centuries and it's always worked well for them." He threw his hands up in disgust. "I get that, I really do. But it's not working for Kes!"

Kathryn let him rant out his frustrations - how the hell did such a caring man make it as an enemy of the federation, she wondered - while she continued to rub circles on the baby's back.

Even the sound of Roshan's burps didn't interrupt the string of curses coming from Chakotay.

Finally, when it seemed like he was either going to sigh in defeat or start using words that the baby was far too young to be exposed to, Kathryn spoke up. "Neelix may have found a solution."

"May have?" Chakotay stopped pacing and move to sit next to her on the sofa, one hand moving to caress the baby's head as it rested on Kathryn's shoulder.

"There's a ritual that can be performed." She relayed the story to him and Chakotay nodded.

"I guess we need to call the Magistrate again."

***

The Magistrate on the view screen raised his eyebrow. "Well, you've certainly done your research, Captain. I'm familiar with the story. I heard it as a child."

"It suggests that there's still a chance for Kes."

The Magistrate shook his head. "You're talking about a very specific case. Nevad was able to claim responsibility for the prince as a father and as a king. That's why the spirits were willing to listen to him."

"The Captain of a starship is fully responsible for every member of his crew."

"So he is."

"And on that basis, I'd like to go through the ritual myself."

***

"No."

"What do you mean no?"

Chakotay shook his head. "Just what I said. No. It's too dangerous."

"Exactly why I should go in your place."

"Kathryn, no." Chakotay shook his head adamantly. "I wont even have this discussion with you."

"Stop acting like a cave man, Chakotay and think about this."

"I have thought about it," He had. For all of six seconds. "And I'm still saying no."

"What if it's dangerous?"

"Exactly why I should go."

"And if you die?" Kathryn moved her hands to her hips. "What happens to Roshan then?"

From the look on his face, Kathryn could see that Chakotay hadn't actually considered what would happen to his two and a half month old son in the event of his death.

"He'd have you, wouldn't he?"

"Yes." That was an easy one to answer. "But he needs his father more."

Chakotay frowned and crossed his arms across his chest. "You're fighting dirty, Kathryn."

"I know."

"I don't like the idea of sending you into a potentially dangerous situation."

"You send crewmembers on away missions all the time. We don't always have the assurance that the missions will go smoothly."

"It's different."

"Why?"

"Because you're not the one in danger."

"I shouldn't be any different."

"But you are."

Kathryn wasn't going to ask why. She knew. "I should be the one to go."

Chakotay sighed and looked across the room to the sleeping baby in the crib.

Watching the emotions play across his face, Kathryn stood silent. He knew that she was right; if the ritual did end badly then Voyager needed a Captain and Roshan needed a father.

Regardless of how much she could pretend and how often she could look after the baby, she wasn't his mother and Kathryn refused to be the one to potentially rob him of his only parent in the event that things turned bad. Not when she had a chance to change that.

"First sign of trouble, I'm pulling you out of there. Got it?"

***

Moving through the rocky caves, Kathryn eyed the various workers milling about as she walked.

Doesn't look very holy to me.

She wasn't the worlds biggest fan of religion - science had always given her more comfort - but at this point, she was willing to try just about anything in order to get Kes back.

Holding her hand out, she scanned the surroundings as she walked with slow steps.

"I don't suppose you know anything about chromo-dynamic lights?"

The woman's voice startled her and Kathryn turned to face her. "No, not really." Kathryn sighed when she raised her eyebrows. "I suppose I could look at it."

"They're as fussy as tarchee cats. You tune them to high they burn out, you tune them too low, they sputter. I've told the monks to replace them all with neodyne lights, it would save hours of repair work." The woman eyes the tricorder in her hand. "That device you've got, what is that?"

"It's called a tricorder."

"A tricorder. What exactly does a tricorder do?" The woman frowned at the flashing lights.

"It's a scanning device."

"Interesting. May I? Ah, atmospheric reading, energy field analysis, full technical database, this is certainly a convenient thing to have." She nodded and tucked the tricorder into her robe, placing it in an unseen pocket.

"Oh, I'd didn't mean for you to keep it. I'll need that back."

"Oh, no you won't."

Kathryn frowned. What made this woman so certain that she wouldn't need the tricorder... "You're my guide."

The woman - her guide - shrugged. "Guide, advisor, spiritual companion, whatever term you prefer is fine with me."

"Why didn't you say something earlier?"

The Guide shrugged. "Shall we get started? It's all right, Kathryn."

Kathryn followed her as they began to walk through the tunnels. "Would it be breaking any vows of secrecy now to tell me what this ritual will involve?"

"Why do you think I know?"

"Haven't you been through this before?" If she hadn't, Kathryn was beginning to doubt her abilities as a Guide.

"Don't worry, I'll help you find your way." Stopping, the guide turned to face her. "Tell me, have you completely committed yourself to this journey?"

She spared a thought for the baby that she'd whispered Goodbye to and knew that if was better that she be here as opposed to Chakotay. "Yes."

"You're willing to go through what the monks have been doing for centuries to help them find the spirits?"

"Yes."

The Guide nodded, smiling. "So you can send biochemical data back to you ship. No, it wasn't magic. Our bioscanners detected the microprobe under your skin."

"I hope that won't be a problem.

She shrugged. "Makes no difference at all. You are fond of your little devices, aren't you."

"They've always served me well."

"I'm sure they have." The guide patted her hand and turned. "Please, come this way."

***

Kathryn stared at the rock.

She'd been staring at it for almost half an hour. When she'd first looked at it, she saw a rock. When she looked at it now, it was still a rock and she didn't like her chances of it morphing into something more meaningful.

"What do you see now?"

The guide must have thought she was nuts. Shrugging under the brown robes that she wore, Kathryn smiled apologetically at her. "I still see a stone."

"Let's try something else, then."

***

Moving her fingers across the canvas, Kathryn spread the blue paint gently.

"I guess you're not going to tell me what I'm supposed to draw."

At the moment, she was drawing something that could be a landscape or something that Roshan had thrown up.

The Guide shrugged as she sat, perched on a rock, watching Kathryn's work. "That would be too easy, wouldn't it? It's up to you. Draw whatever feels right."

"I've never been able to draw. My sister was the artist in the family." She remembered Phoebe's paintings well. Even as a child, her younger sister had shown an amazing affinity for anything artistic.

"And you were the scientist."

Kathryn shrugged. "It's true. When other children were outside playing games I was doing mathematics problems."

"Mathematics. I can see why you enjoyed it. Solve a problem, get an answer. The answer's either right or wrong. It's very absolute."

She liked absolutes. It made life easy to know that you were either right or wrong, with no grey area in between. "I've always found that satisfying."

"I'm sure you did."

***

Blinking, Kathryn tried to bring her surroundings into focus.

She was standing on soft grass and it tickled at her bare feet, slightly damp with morning dew.

Frowning, she turned in a circle.

A large house stood tall behind her, but she didn't recognize it. There was a swing on the back porch and steps that led down to a garden path.

She stood at the end of that path and lifted her hand to shield her eyes from the sun.

"Kathryn!"

Turning, Kathryn’s frown deepened when she saw the man on the porch. He wore loose sweat pants low on his hips, his chest and feet bare.

"The baby is hungry."

Baby? Hungry? What was she supposed to do about it?

"She wants mommy."

Was that her?

"Do you want to feed her while I make Roshan's breakfast?"

He stepped down a few steps, his face moving into the sunlight.

Chakotay!

The voice of her guide stopped whatever thoughts Kathryn might have had. "What do you see?"

"I'm not sure." She frowned at the image of Chakotay walking towards her.

"Describe it." The Guide told her.

Kathryn wasn't sure how.

***

Opening her eyes once more, Kathryn frowned as the ceiling above her parted and her guide looked down at her.

Is this a coffin? Mine?

"I'm exhausted." Sitting up, she took the cup of water offered. "Oh, thank you."

"Your microprobe should be transmitting all kinds of interesting information back to the ship." Her Guide smiled as she helped Kathryn to her feet and both women moved to sit in front of a large basket.

"What is that?"

"It's a nesset. They're able to travel from this world into the spirit realm. They serve as gatekeepers."

"Gatekeepers." Oh thank god! She couldn't handle any more strange visions. "Then I'm ready to enter the spirit realm."

"Do you think you're ready?"

"Yes, I do."

"Then you are. Go ahead, put your hand in."

Kathryn slowly lowered her hand into the opening of the basket. A hissing noise made her withdraw immediately.

"We can stop right now if you like."

"No, I'm not quitting."

"Don't be afraid."

Steeling herself, Kathryn lowered her hand again and yelped when something sharp - teeth? - sunk into her hand.

"Oh, it's burning. Oh, my chest. Help me." She launched backwards, clutching her burning chest in fear.

"Kathryn. Kathryn."

Kes!

Her guide looked down at her. "Kathryn."

"I'm dying." She whispered as the pain spread throughout her body.

The Guide smiled. "Everyone dies eventually."

***

Once again, Kathryn found herself standing bare foot on soft grass but this time, there was no house or backyard - and no Chakotay calling to her about a baby, either - but a beach landscape before her.

Am I dead?

"What is this? A hallucination?"

Her Guide stood beside her, looking out over the crashing waves of the ocean. "I'm only here to serve as a voice, an interpreter for the ancestral spirits."

"I see. If there are other beings here, could I see them myself?"

"You mean you want proof that we exist.”

Well... yes. "That would be helpful."

"It's irrelevant."

"I don't want to be disrespectful. I've gone through every part of the ritual that I've been asked to."

The guide shrugged. "Everything you've gone through is meaningless. You've been told that."

"I know. I just want to bring this to completion, to make my request."

"Then by all means do so." The guide waved her arm towards the ocean and stepped back.

"I cite the story of King Nevad as precedent. In the same way he pleaded for his son, I ask that Kes be restored to health."

"Your request is inconsequential. You have what you need to save her yourself."

***

Opening her eyes again, Kathryn found herself back in the coffin like hole, the ceiling parted.

"Welcome back."

"How long?" She sat up, forcing her lethargic muscles to work.

"Does that matter?"

"I'd like to know."

"Thirty nine hours. You must take care of yourself." The Guide instructed, helping her up. "Your body's weak."

Thirty nine hours. It felt like a lifetime. "I guess the physical conditioning programs on the holodeck didn't quite prepare me for this."

"Has it been worthwhile?"

"I think so. I was told that I had what I needed to save Kes."

"Then it must be true. The spirits would not deceive you. Whenever you're ready."

Kathryn smiled. "Thank you."

***

The EMH scanned her. "You could use a good night's sleep and a solid meal, but otherwise you're in good shape."

Kathryn ignored Chakotay's worried look. "When can you begin treating Kes?"

"Right away. The ritual may have been arduous for you, but it was certainly worthwhile. As I suspected, the toxin was the key. That's what produces the natural immunity the Nechani monks acquire before they enter the biogenic field."

Chakotay frowned. "How does that translate into a cure for Kes?"

"I've created a physiometric program to analyze the immune mechanism and develop a treatment regimen."

Kathryn pulled her body off the biobed. "Then let's get started."

The Doctor nodded and the three of them moved to the surgical bay where Neelix sat, holding Kes' hand. "I'll carry out the treatment in stages to reduce the physical stress from the metabolic changes."

Working at the computer at the head of the biobed, the Doctor punched in a few commands and then frowned when a beeping noise started.

"What's that? Is something wrong?" Neelix's frown matched the Doctor.

"I don't believe so. Hmm, her electrolyte balance is deviating, but that's not entirely unexpected."

"It isn't."

"Hmm."

"What does that mean, hmm? What?"

Kathryn was very familiar with the frustrated feelings that accompanied the Doctor's "hmm's."

"Mister Neelix, if you keep on pestering me with questions I won't be able to concentrate on what I'm doing."

The beeping got louder and more consistent.

"Something is wrong!"

Kathryn put a hand on Neelix's arm. "What is it, Doctor?"

"Her cardiac functions are being disrupted. I don't understand it. Lectrazine should counteract the disruptions." He tapped a few more commands on the console before his frown deepened. "This is baffling. Her biochemical levels are exactly what they need to be to correct the damage. She should be awake and alert."

Chakotay stepped forward. "Why isn't she?"

"I can't explain it. Her vital signs are unstable, I have to discontinue treatment. I don't understand it." He tapped the console once more and the beeping stopped, signaling the cut in treatment.

"Can't we try again?"

The EMH shook his head at Neelix. "It's too dangerous."

"Do you have any other options?" Kathryn had a sick feeling in her stomach.

"No. I'm sorry, but it appears that everything you went through was meaningless."

The Guide had told her the same thing.

***

Meaningless.

It had all - the artwork, the rock, the bite, her death, the 'vision' - been meaningless.

Somehow, Kathryn wasn't surprised.

Once again in her brown robes, Kathryn turned to Chakotay.

"The Doctor says her life signs are deteriorating." He nodded to the transport bed that Kes lay on. "He almost wouldn't let us take her out of sickbay."

Neelix, as always, stood by the bed, holding her lifeless hand. "Have you found a way to help her?"

"Yes I have. I'm taking her back into the biogenic field."

"Why?"

"I believe it will save her life."

Chakotay stepped forward, frowning. "You have some new information on the effects of the field?"

"I can't explain it to you." She couldn't explain any of what had happened in her ritual any more than she could explain her conversation with the elderly people - the spirits? she still wasn't sure - in the waiting room.

All she knew was that this was the only way.

"Kathryn, you've been through a lot in the past few days."

"I know what I'm doing."

"Are you sure of that?" Chakotay's eyes were wide with worry. "There are 800 megajoules of biogenic energy running through that shrine. The thoron radiation levels are off the scale. That's what you'd be taking yourself and her into. Why don't you take some time to think about this and let us run a few more scans."

Scanning wont help, damnit! "No!"

"Kathryn this isn't like you." His voice dropped. "I'm worried."

Neelix spoke up. "You know you'll always have my gratitude for everything you've done to save Kes, but I couldn't and I know she couldn't ask you to risk your own life like this. There are too many other people who need you."

"He's right. It's my responsibility to keep you safe, for the crew's sake if not for your own. I'd rather not have to relieve you of duty, but if your judgment's been impaired in any way, I will."

"He can't really do that, can he?"

Kathryn turned at the voice of her guide. "Yes he can."

"I suppose it might be necessary if a member of a starship crew were really mentally impaired, but you're not crazy, Kathryn, you know that."

"These are the same people who were willing to let Kes die just for disturbing their shrine." Neelix glared at the guide angrily. "Can you take their word for it that you'll be safe in there?"

The guide shrugged. "I can't give you my word on that. Nobody knows what will happen to them in the shrine until they go in. I don't know the answers, but you do."

"Kathryn, I don't like the idea of you doing this. I don't actually understand this."

"Neither do I." Kathryn shrugged and bent to pick Kes' body up. "That's the challenge."

Walking up the steps of the shrine, Kathryn squared her shoulders and took a deep breath before moving forward, into the field that would kill or cure.

Seconds - or maybe hours - passed before she was jolted back a step, her eyes opening of their own accord.

Looking down at the woman in her arms, Kathryn watched as her eyes fluttered open and let out a long sigh of relief.

"Kes."

***

"The metabolic treatment the Doctor administered protected Kes against the full impact of exposure to the field when the you took her through. That exposure functioned like a natural cortical stimulator and reactivated her synaptic pathways." Chakotay told her.

Kathryn stared out the view port, watching the passing stars as Roshan slept draped across her lap, his warm little body anchoring her to the real world.

"Kathryn? You don't agree?"

Turning to look at him, she shrugged. "It's a perfectly sound explanation. Very scientific."

"Why isn't that enough for you, then?"

"Something happened down there. Something that I can't explain."

Chakotay frowned. "You said you weren't hurt."

"I wasn't. But I saw things that... well. Things that science can't explain."

"Like?"

She wasn't prepared to tell him about her daydream. She wasn't even really prepared to admit it to herself.

"I'm not sure what was real and what wasn't." She finally answered, evading the real question.

"I imagine that you'll never know for sure."

No, but one day I might find out if that was a premonition of things to come or not. "I guess not."

Chakotay leant over and kissed her cheek - he'd been doing that a lot lately, Kathryn had noticed - before smiling. "Well, regardless, we're glad you're back."

Stroking the soft hairs on Roshan's head, Kathryn managed a small smile. "So am I."

***

Picking up her tray of almost-food, Kathryn moved to where Voyagers Three Musketeers sat. "Mind if I join you?"

Tom nodded. "Pull up a chair."

Smiling at him, she sat.

For a while, she had worried for Tom. He'd been unsettled and snappish but it seemed that his moods at leveled and he was more stable now. Kathryn was glad.

"I see you opted for the green stuff as opposed to the pink?"

"It seemed safer." Picking up a spoonful of the green 'stuff', Kathryn had to wonder if that was true.

"You should try the yellow. It's nice." B'Elanna offered with a shrug.

Harry shook his head. "I don't even know how you can look at the yellow stuff."

B'Elanna scoffed. "Says he who actually had seconds of the blue stuff the day before last."

"Children please." Tom rolled his eyes. "I think we're all nuts for eating any of it at all."

Kathryn smiled.

If she'd ever needed evidence that the Voyagers were becoming family, these Three Musketeers were the ones to show it.

***

Earth.

Kathryn sighed.

They were home, but not really.

After an incredibly stranger altercation with a man from the future called Captain Braxton trying to destroy the ship, they'd found themselves orbiting Earth.

Specifically, Earth as it was in 1996.

Kathryn and Chakotay walked along the boardwalk, searching for the source of the sub-space readings.

"Well, we got home."

"Right place, wrong time," Kathryn turned her face up into the sunlight, smiling a little. "But it is good to be back nonetheless."

"Maybe I should look up a few ancestors. As I recall, one of them was a schoolteacher in Arizona."

Chakotay's shoulder brushed against hers as they walked. "I don't know what my relatives were doing this far back in history."

A young girl wearing boots with wheels on them came flying towards the couple, pushing through them. "Coming through. Sorry."

Kathryn frowned as she turned and watched her roll away. "For all I know, she could be my great, great, great… great grandmother."

"She does have your legs." Chakotay grinned at her.

Kathryn wasn't going to touch that one with a ten foot barge poll. "Have you ever been to southern California, Chakotay?"

"No."

"After the Hermosa quake in 2047 this entire region sank under two hundred meters of water. It became one of the world's largest coral reefs, home to thousands of different marine species."

Nodding towards a young gentleman with several different facial piercing - don't they hurt? - Chakotay nodded. "Some interesting species in this century."

***

Tucking themselves into a darkened corner, Kathryn and Chakotay stayed quiet as they listened, trying to figure out if there was anyone left in the building.

They could hear the shuffling of feet and a faint woman's voice signing off from a call - something about a stationary delivery - but there didn't seem to be anyone else around.

"Should we wait until she leaves?" Kathryn asked quietly, her form hidden behind Chakotay's larger one.

"Sounds like a good plan." He listened for a moment. "She seems to be packing up now, it shouldn't take long."

"OK." Kathryn nodded.

They stood in silence for a moment, tucked into the crook of a wall, waiting.

"So, shall we talk about it now, then?"

"Talk about what?"

"Us."

"Is this really the right time for this?" She hissed.

"You wont talk about it on Voyager."

"There's nothing to talk about." As far as Kathryn was concerned, her dreams, New Earth, all of their little 'things' didn't need to be discussed.

"Three months ago we started something on New Earth. I think it's time we picked up where we left off."

Chakotay's mouth was against her ear, his body against hers, making it hard to think.

"This is insane," She whispered fiercely. "We're trying to break into Starling's office and you want to stand here and debate our relationship?"

After their conversation with the Old - and perhaps senile - Braxton, they had decided that the next best thing to do was break into Chronowerx and find the time ship and a way to get themselves out of this mess.

"So you admit that we have a relationship, then?" Chakotay asked smugly as his body pressed closer to hers, ostensibly to keep them out of sight of the receptionist.

"Chakotay..."

"You can't admit that you want me, can you?" He waited but she didn't say anything. What could she say? "You know, all you have to do is tell me that you're not interested."

"And you'll stop this nonsense?"

"No." He huffed. "I would call you a liar, though."

"What makes you so sure that you know what I want?"

"Because you're pressing your body into mine and you tremble whenever I speak."

He was right.

Damnit.

Kathryn opened her mouth to reply, but the sound of footsteps made her shut her mouth firmly.

Peeking around Chakotay, she watched as the receptionist made her way out of the office, flicking the light off as she slung a bag over her shoulder.

"Let's go."

"We're going to have this conversation again, you know that right?"

Kathryn was pretty sure that she couldn't side-step around it. "As long as it's not when we're committing a crime."

Leaving the light off, Kathryn navigated her way around the outer office and pushed open the door to Starlings.

It was an impressive open-planned room that looked more like a hotel suite than an office.

She moved to the desk, sitting down in front of the ancient looking computer.

"So far so good." Chakotay nodded, moving to the window. "We haven't set off any alarms."

"Our Mister Starling has built himself quite a corporate empire. Looks like he's got wealth, celebrity and an ego to match." Kathryn used her pointer finger to tap at the keys.

"I see you never learnt to type." He commented absently, moving to scan the rest of the room.

"Turn of the millennium technology wasn't a required course at the Academy." She huffed in annoyance as she searched for the right key. "It's like stone knives and bearskins."

"Well this isn't. I'm detecting a force field. I can't scan beyond this wall. I don't see an access port or a control panel."

"Maybe we can find something in his computer. Oh, he's got a massive database here, but it's protected by an encryption sequence. I'm going to try interfacing my tricorder." Kathryn placed her tricorder on the desk, pointing it towards the computer.

It took only a moment for 'Access Granted' to flash across the screen in green before opening what she assumed was the main window.

"Looks like a series of pictographs. They must have used symbols to represent the different functions of the computer."

Kathryn scanned the different pictures in front of her with a raised eyebrow. Thank God we evolved! "Let's see what Henry's been up to all these years."

Tapping away with all of her fingers - it was easy once you got used to it - Kathryn looked through the files and schematics.

"Incredible. Starling's computer designs were inspired by technology from the time ship. He introduced the very first isograted circuit in 1969, two years after Braxton's ship crash-landed."

Chakotay leant over her shoulder, reading the same things she was. "And every few years there's been an equally revolutionary advance in computers, all from Chronowerx Industries, all based on Starling's crude understanding of twenty-ninth century technology."

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Chakotay?"

"I wish I weren't."

"The computer age of the late twentieth century..."

"Shouldn't have happened." He finished for her, shaking his head slightly.

"But it did, and it's part of our history. All because of that time ship. Look at this," She pulled up a schematic that she'd glanced over earlier. "Gantry, power conduits, telemetry consoles. This looks like a design for a launching bay."

"Braxton was right; the ship's going to be launched."

"We've got to send these schematics to Voyager for analysis."

She listened with half an ear as Chakotay called to Harry - during his first time in the Captains chair - and ordered that Voyager establish a link with the tricorder and upload the data.

"Let's see if we can find out where the location of that launch pad is."

Chakotay smiled as her fingers danced quickly across the keyboard. "You're really getting the hang of this."

"I'm a quick study."

"You know, in a way Braxton was right. If we hadn't fought him when he tried to destroy Voyager, he wouldn't have been pulled back in time, his ship wouldn't have crash-landed on Earth, and none of this would have happened."

She couldn't imagined what the world - her world - would be like without all of the technological comforts and necessities that they enjoyed.

If the technological advancements of the late twenty first century hadn't happened - or the Luddite movements that would come a hundred or so years into those advancements had been more successful - the world that Kathryn knew may have been very different.

Not that she'd know.

Or maybe that was the point.

Ugh! "Time travel. Ever since my first day in the job as a Starfleet Officer I swore I'd never let myself get caught in one of these god-forsaken paradoxes. The future is the past, the past is the future. It all gives me a headache."

Chakotay huffed before touching her shoulder as she went to change the page that they were viewing. "Hold on. This looks promising. Try time ship security portal."

"Maybe it's linked to some kind of surveillance system. An image of the launch bay would give us a clue as to it's location."

"I see you've made yourself at home." The voice made them both look up, Kathryn's hands freezing as they were, poised over the keyboard. "Welcome to the twentieth century. I know who you are, you're from the future. I knew you'd come back one day. I detected your vessel in orbit and Mister Dunbar here had a run-in with your friends."

"Our friends?" Chakotay repeated.

"You know who I mean. And I know what you're doing. You're here to take the time ship." He summarized.

***

"Quite a week."

"Yes it was." Kathryn agreed.

"I'd like to avoid Braxton from now on."

"Can't say I'd want to meet him in a dark alley without a phaser either."

Roshan's hand shot out to bat at the toy in front of him as he sat, resting between Kathryn's outstretch legs, her hands supporting his body.

The toy flashed bright lights and played a turn each time he hit it and the baby laughed gleefully.

"You are amused by that, aren't you little guy?"

Roshan gurgled at her and hit the toy again, the music repeating.

Chakotay laughed when she rolled her eyes. "Regretting that you got it for him on our last shore leave?"

Their last 'shore leave' - if it could even be called that - had been on Earth in the year 1996.

It may not have been their time or their world, but it had still been home and Kathryn felt a pang of regret hit her when she thought about it.

She could only imagine how Tom felt after Tuvok had told her - part of his report, of course - about the bond that Voyagers Helmsman had formed with Rein Robinson.

Although, if nothing else, the Doctor now had a way to move about the ship.

Kathryn frowned. "No. It makes him happy."

Chakotay nodded, silent for a moment before he spoke again. "You know, we're not committing a crime, now."

"I'm still not prepared to talk about it."

"You can't run from your feelings forever, Kathryn."

She could run pretty far when she wanted to and, while she thought it was obvious that she wanted him, Kathryn wasn't quite prepared to deal with what a relationship with Chakotay would mean.

At least, not yet.

"And you can't chase me forever." Kathryn shrugged.

He chuckled and kissed her cheek. "That's where you're wrong."

***

Kathryn rang the chime and stood back, waiting for permission to enter.

When it came, she stepped across the threshold and squinted into the darkness.

"Computer, lights at half, please."

Smiling, Kathryn moved to sit beside Kes on the sofa.

Of all the people on Voyager, Kes had to be the only one that actually said please and thank you when ordering the computer to do something. Kathryn almost expected to hear "You're welcome."

"How are you doing, Kes?"

The incident with Tieran had shaken the young woman, rattling her confidence in both her own abilities and the kindness of people in general.

"The Doctor says that the experience didn't have any lasting physical effects."

She already knew that from the report. "What about mental ones?"

"They will take a little longer to heal." Kes admitted after a moment. "I broke up with Neelix, did you know that?"

"No." Kathryn touched her arm gently.

"It was my third birthday, too. We were having lunch on the holodeck and I got so angry and frustrated with him and I can't remember if I really felt that way or if it was actually Tieran."

That explained the especially bad food that they'd all been subjected to in the few days since then. "I'm sure Neelix would be happy to talk with you about it."

"I'm not sure I want too." Kes replied quietly, a solitary tear falling from her eye. "I'm just so confused."

Kathryn's heart went out to her.

Of all the people on Voyager, Kes had to be the one with the most gentle soul and hurting other people hit her hard.

Opening her arms, Kathryn hugged her tightly.

***

“I’ve found the cause of the oddity in Roshan’s DNA.” The Doctor told them the next morning.

Kathryn held the baby in her arms, rocking him slightly, as she and Chakotay sat in the Doctor’s office. She felt like a nervous parent as she waited for the Doctor’s report, but Kathryn stayed silent.

“And?”

“His Cardassian DNA was trying to assert itself but his human DNA was fighting the process. There was a little war going on inside of his body.”

She touched the small neck cords gently. Roshan didn’t look much like a Cardassian but he had just a few of their telltale features. Without knowing his true heritage, it would be difficult for a stranger to pick what species he came from.

“Which strand won?”

“I’m happy to say, the human DNA has been victorious.”

Chakotay frowned. “Does this mean that he wont develop more Cardassian features as he gets older?”

“Well,” The Doctor shrugged a little. “I can’t guarantee it, but at the moment, he appears to be a healthy three month old baby boy. Only time will tell, but it looks as though the Cardassian DNA is mostly becoming dormant.”

“Otherwise he’s perfectly healthy?”

Chakotay had been bringing the baby into see the Doctor once a week since he’d been with them. He didn’t have a lot of faith in the Kazon medical system - and Kathryn had no trouble understanding why - and he’d had even less faith in Seska’s ability to properly care for a newborn.

“His immune system is slightly diminished.” The Doctor replied. “He may be more prone to catching colds and other little viruses that float around the ship but, otherwise, yes. Perfectly healthy.”

Kathryn breathed a sigh of relief and smiled.

***

Sometime after they witnessed the second supernova explosion, Kathryn had been ordered back to her Quarters by a dimple bearing Captain who had offered her the choice of a neck rub - hello, memories - or sleep.

Choosing sleep, she forced her legs to move, one after the other as she made her way towards her Quarters.

Left, right, left, right, oh I'm tired, left, right...

Finally making it back to her Quarters - had the walk ever seemed quite so long before? - Kathryn punched in her code and entered.

Blinking, Kathryn frowned.

There was a love heart shaped bed where her sofa should have been. Red satin sheets lined the bed and there were roses and candles everywhere.

Does he think that this will work?

She tapped her comm. badge. "Janeway to Chakotay."

"There's no need to call room service, Kathy. I've already ordered."

She recognized the omnipotent being immediately. "Q!"

"You did say you wanted champagne?" he held the glass out to her.

"Janeway to security. Intruder alert."

"Oh, it's no use." He shrugged. "I've taken the proverbial phone off the hook. After all, we don't want any interruptions."

"What are you doing here?"

Raising his own glass, he tapped the edge to hers. "To us."

"There is no us, Q."

"The night is young, and the sheets are satin." He clicked his fingers and her glass disappeared.

"I want you out. But first, get rid of this bed."

"I have no intention of getting between those Starfleet issue sheets. They give me a terrible rash."

"Since you won't be getting in the bed, I wouldn't worry about it."

"Oh, Kathy, don't be such a prude." He slipped an arm around her waist and pulled their bodies close. "Admit it. It has been a while."

She was going to vomit if he wasn't careful. "And it's going to be a while longer. Now get out."

"So tense. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable?" He clicked his fingers again.

Her leathers disappeared, to be replaced by her silk nightgown.

Kathryn glanced down at herself and sighed. "If you think this puerile attempt at seduction is going to work, you're even more self-deluded than I thought."

"Now I see. You think I'm interested in some tawdry one night stand. That's because I haven't told you why I'm here yet. Out of all the females of all the species in all the galaxies, I have chosen you to be the mother of my child."

I want whatever drugs he's on. "Oh!"

"I know that you're probably asking yourself, why would a brilliant, handsome, dashingly omnipotent being like Q want to mate with a scrawny little bipedal specimen like me?"

Pulling herself out of his embrace, Kathryn went into the bedroom and pulled on her robe.

"Let me guess." She called, pulling the robe on. "No one else in the universe will have you."

"Nonsense." He leant against her bedroom doorframe, his arm outstretched. "I could have chosen a Klingon Targ, the Romulan empress, a Cyrillian microbe."

"Really? I beat out a single-celled organism?" She slipped under his arm and crossed the room. "How flattering."

"It's an overwhelming honor, isn't it? I can't get you out of my mind. You're confident, passionate, beautiful."

"And totally uninterested." She added quickly.

"Kathy, you can't leave. My cosmic clock is ticking. Besides, you have no idea what you're missing. Foreplay with a Q can last for decades."

If her recent imagination was anything to go by, then foreplay with a human could last a pretty impressive length of time, too. "Sorry, but I'm busy for the next sixty or seventy years."

"Oh, I see, this is one of those silly human rituals. You're playing hard to get."

"As far as you're concerned, Q, I'm impossible to get."

Q grinned salaciously. "Goody! A challenge. This is going to be fun." He clicked his fingers and disappeared in a shimmer of light, the bed and candles and roses disappearing with him.

Flopping down in front of her computer, Kathryn tapped the console. "Janeway to Bridge."

"Chakotay here. Why aren't you sleeping?"

"I've just had a visit from Q. He's gone now."

"What did he want?" She could hear the tension in Chakotay's voice.

"Let's just say he had a personal request."

"Kathryn?"

He couldn't see it, but she shrugged anyway. "I'm not sure what he's really up to, but I have a feeling he'll be back."

Sighing, she closed the link.

***

"What did Q want?"

Kathryn was almost - almost - surprised that he'd waited till the end of his shift before barging into her Quarters.

She was still working on getting him to knock, but they both knew that she didn't really mind.

Standing in the centre of the room, she rolled her eyes and looked up at him. "I told you, he made a personal request."

"Kathryn." His voice was hard and his arms folded across his chest.

"He wants to mate with me."

"No."

"Chakotay-"

"No."

Kathryn raised her eyebrow.

She hadn't actually considered Q's offer - and even if she did consider it, there was no way in hell she was going to say yes - but... "You can't tell me what to do."

"You are not going to mate with him."

"It's my personal life."

"Really?"

Two hands grabbed her uppers arms and lurched her body forward until it was flush against his while his lips descended onto hers.

The kiss was hard, demanding, brutal. Everything that she had - in all honesty - expected from him when they'd first met. His tongue plunged into her mouth roughly, his teeth nipped at her lower lip. It was noisy and messy and when she breathed in through her nose, she could smell him.

Kathryn would have been horrified at herself for pushing their groins together if she'd had any semblance of control left.

She didn't.

"Why didn't you tell me that you like it rough, Kathy?"

Kathryn blinked when their lips separated at the sound of Q's voice, too dazed to respond.

Q eyes Chakotay distastefully. "For that matter, why didn't you tell me there was another man?"

Mentally shaking herself, Kathryn pulled her arms from Chakotay's grasp and sighed. "Because there isn't." Which would be a little hard to convince him of after that. "I'm just not interested in you."

"Any more questions?" Chakotay looked annoyed. And aroused.

She shivered.

“I was wondering, Kathy. What could anyone possibly see in this big oaf, anyway? Is it the tattoo? Because mine's bigger.” He turned his head and the entire left side of his face had been covered in dark ink. An intricate tattoo - though not as compelling as Chakotay’s - covered his pale skin.

"Not big enough." She left her quarters and felt more than heard Chakotay following her.

When they were almost at the end of the corridor, he touched her hand lightly and Kathryn stopped, turning to face him.

"You made your point." She snapped.

"Clearly not, since you're still intent on fighting this."

"Why wont you just take no for an answer?"

"Because we both know you want this as much as I do." He kissed her cheek. "I'm going to rescue Roshan from Tom's bad influence. Call me if out guest shows up again."

Damn him.

***

Tied to a large tree, Kathryn glared at the Colonial Q that stood several feet from her, preparing to fire.

So far, she'd been threatened by a female Q, taken into the continuum, shot at, helped a wounded Q, tried to make peace between the divided Continuum and had the daylights kissed out of her by an angry Captain.

And that was just in the last few hours.

She'd tried to convince Q that mating with her wasn't an option - and she'd managed not to tell him that it was also creepy and wrong - and when she'd presented him with the option of mating with the female Q, his eyes had lit up, clearly intrigued with the possibility. Kathryn found herself wondering exactly how long that process would take.

Q had boasted that foreplay with an omnipotent being could last decades; how long would it take them to make a child together? An eon?

"Why won't you listen to me?" She called out. "I told your Commander last night we can resolve the situation peacefully."

Q, tied to the tree beside her, shrugged. "If it's any consolation, there are those in the Continuum who will remember us as martyrs."

"I'd rather skip that particular honor."

"Still, you have to admit, there's something romantic about going to our deaths together."

Kathryn rolled her eyes and tried to shift herself into a slightly more comfortable position. The heavy dress that she wore didn't allow much room to move at the best of times and with her arms pulled back tightly, she could feel the pull of muscles.

The older Q turned from his men to face them. "Do you have any last words?"

"I won't plead for my own life. From your perspective I know it seems insignificant, but what is not insignificant is the fact that the Q, as an omnipotent race, have an opportunity to be a positive force to set a higher standard for other beings in the galaxy. I implore you all, don't go through with this. Don't allow yourselves to continue using violence to resolve your differences." She watched his impassionate face.

"Q, do you have anything to add?"

"Today I sacrifice my existence for the principles of freedom and individuality that I have fought for so long. But this woman is innocent. What's more, she saved my life, and she tried to save us from each other. Kill me if you must, but let her go."

His words surprised her; apparently Q was capable of compassion.

"That's a very touching speech, Q. But as usual, your rhetoric fails to compensate for your irresponsibility. Ready! Aim!"

Apparently, that compassion wasn't shared by the Colonial Q.

Q turned to her. "I'm sorry."

"I know."

She heard the other Q call out to fire.

"I'm hit! Oh! I'm dying!"

Kathryn frowned as she looked at him and then down at herself. "Q!"

"What?"

Looking out into the forest, she could see the Voyager crew firing on the Colonial Q's army. "They're not firing at us."

She'd never been so happy to see Chakotay in the entire time she'd known him.

But what the hell was he wearing?

***

"I can't believe that Q is a father."

"It wasn't so long ago that you couldn't believe you were a father, either." Kathryn reminded him.

Chakotay nodded and continued to bounce the wailing baby on his knee, frowning at Roshan's tears. "It's too early for teeth, isn't it?"

"I think so."

He nodded. "Just grumpy then, huh?"

"He is a man."

"Be nice, Kathryn."

She poked her tongue out at him. "Neelix and I have that mission with the Tac Tac tomorrow."

"Are you sure you still want to go?" Chakotay frowned. "After everything that happened with Q..."

"I'm fine." She waved her hand dismissively and shrugged. "Strange encounters are just part of the job, right?"

"Only if you're 'Aunty Kathy.'" He raised an eyebrow and grinned. "How does it feel to be the Godmother of an omnipotent child? The first Omnipotent child, at that."

"An immeasurable responsibility." She took Roshan from his arms and cradled the baby to her chest. "This little guy is cuter, though."

"Did I tell you that Neelix made him some food? He thought it was important that the little guy get started on something more nutritious than the milk we've been giving him."

Kathryn was almost afraid to ask. "How did that go?"

"We ended up in sickbay." Chakotay rolled his eyes. "The Doctor wasn't surprised."

"Nor am I."

***

What worried her most was that Chakotay wasn't saying anything.

Walking into his bedroom, Kathryn could see him lying in bed, a thin sheet covering him as he stared at the ceiling.

He didn't acknowledge her presence, though he would have known that she was there. Kathryn walked, her bare feet making no sound, over to the bed and crawled in beside him, curling her body into his side.

Her own body was still sore - the Macrovirus should be added to the holodeck training programs, she thought - but she didn't say anything when he pulled her closer, his arms and legs twining with hers.

***

"Doctor?"

"Kathryn." The EMH nodded his greeting. "How are you feeling?"

She hadn't slept at all last night. She'd crawled into bed with Chakotay and they'd both lain awake, staring at anything and everything to avoid sleeping.

Her ribs still hurt from the Doctor’s minor on-the-go surgery the previous day - and she'd probably re-opened the wound when wrestling with a particularly large and violent strain of the virus - so she was going to go with that. "Sore."

The Doctor nodded to the biobed and she climbed up compliantly, lying on her side while he scanned her.

"How many did we loose?" She asked quietly.

"Four."

Four people that hadn't survived the virus. Four people that might, possibly, still be alive if she hadn't put her hands on her damn hips and delayed the negotiations with the Tac Tac.

Thank God Neelix had been with her, or she may have ended up in the Tac Tac prison and everyone on Voyager would be dead by now.

Running the tricorder over her, The Doctor frowned. "Have you seen the Captain?"

"Yes."

"How is he?"

What was she supposed to say to that? "He's been better."

The Doctor nodded. "I'll give you something for the pain."

Kathryn was glad that he dropped the subject of Chakotay, but she didn't think that he could put anything in the hypospray that would help this.

***

No one saw him during the shift - not that anyone was actually surprised - and the general mood on Voyager was somber. No one talked unnecessarily. There were no jokes, no smiles, no laughter.

Just more than a hundred people silently working or sleeping.

Kathryn was grateful for the sudden lull in outside activity; none of them could handle anything more at this point.

The second her shift was over - a shift she had spent the majority of sitting in her chair, staring silently at the empty chair to her right - she left the bridge and went straight back to his Quarters.

Entering his code, she moved inside and frowned at the dark rooms.

Calling for minimal lights, she could see that clearly nothing had been touched since she'd left early in the morning to go to the bridge.

Moving into the bedroom, Chakotay was in exactly the same position as he had been when she'd left.

Pulling her clothes off until she was clad in her tank top and panties, Kathryn crawled into the bed once more and curled their bodies together, preparing for another night without sleep and without sound, save for their breathing.

***

When she opened her eyes, Kathryn found herself lying draped across Chakotay, her face pressed into the crook of his neck.

She hadn't meant to fall asleep, but after being awake for far too long, she hadn't been able to fight her body anymore and the seductive pull of slumber had claimed her before she'd had the chance to fight it.

Kathryn pulled her head up to look at the man beneath her.

He was still staring at the ceiling and it looked as though he hadn't slept.

"Hi."

Chakotay met her gaze for a moment, silently acknowledging that she'd spoken, before his eyes flicked back to the ceiling.

Casting a quick glance at the Chronometer, Kathryn knew that she had to get out of bed and make her way to the bridge. She didn't expect that Chakotay would follow her and he didn't move at all when she slid off him and rose.

"I have to go to the Bridge." She said quietly, picking her clothes up from the floor and pulling her pants on.

Chakotay didn't acknowledge that she'd spoken then, but Kathryn knew that he'd heard her.

Once she was fully dressed, Kathryn bent and kissed his cheek, one hand stroking his hair lightly. "I'll come back as soon as I can."

***

The second day on the bridge was much like the first.

After she'd left his Quarters, Kathryn had returned to her own Quarters to shower and change before making her way to the bridge.

She didn't bother with breakfast, she didn't have the stomach for it right now but she made a mental note to contact Neelix and ask him to prepare some mushroom soup for when she got off shift.

A few people greeted her when she passed them in the halls, nodding, but no one actually sought her out during the day.

The lull in activity of yesterday seemed to have transpired over to today and Kathryn, once again, found herself staring out the view screen, willing her numb mind to focus on something other than the stars that danced before her eyes as Voyager glided through space.

Even Tom, usually one to crack a joke when a mood needed to be lightened, stayed silent for most of the shift, quietly commenting on any course corrections that he made.

When lunch time came, Kathryn knew that she wasn't going to be eating then, either, but she left the bridge anyway, nodding the change in command to Tuvok before she began walking.

A tour of the ship usually calmed her tumultuous mind but it wasn't helping her now and she found herself at the mess hall anyway.

Entering, she noted that no one was talking. The thirty or so crewmembers on their lunch break were all eating mechanically.

Fork in food, fork to mouth, swallow and repeat.

Moving to the galley, she waited until Neelix looked up and spotted her. "Kathryn."

Even his greeting was lacking any of his usual enthusiasm. She didn’t blame him. "Neelix."

"What can I do for you?"

"I was wondering if you would mind making some mushroom soup for me. I can pick it up at the end of alpha shift."

"Of course." He frowned. "How is the Captain?"

"As is to be expected." She tried to give him a small smile - if only to help reassure him - but it just wouldn't happen. "The soup would help."

"It'll be here waiting when you finish your shift."

"Thank you, Neelix."

***

After placing her order for the soup, Kathryn went back to the bridge and sat for another four hours.

At the end of her shift, her ass was as numb as the rest of her body and she went to the mess hall on autopilot, picked up the soup and made her way back to Chakotay's Quarters.

Kathryn was preparing herself for a fight. Chakotay would, undoubtedly, still be in bed staring at the ceiling but he needed to eat and she was willing to spoon feed him if that was what it took.

The door opened automatically when she reached it and Kathryn blinked in surprise.

While Chakotay generally wasn't a fan of locking his door, he didn't normally have it set to open; it was easy for a passing crewmember to trip the sensor and she knew that he wouldn't want anyone to see the state of his living area right now.

Entering, she was even more surprised to find that the lights were on and Chakotay was sitting on the sofa, dressed in his leathers and reading from a PADD.

She wasn't sure whether to be happy, sad or just plain confused when she looked around the living area.

Standing rooted to the spot just inside of the door - had it closed behind her? She wasn't sure. - Kathryn looked from side to side, frowning. "Where is everything?"

Chakotay shrugged. "I recycled most of it. Returned the rest."

It was the first time she'd actually heard him speak in almost three days and Kathryn's frown deepened.

His voice was flat, lifeless, lacking any of the usual charm that she had come to love and hate in equal measures.

"Why?"

"I don't need it anymore, do I?"

Well, no he didn't, but seeing everything gone had such a finality to it that Kathryn wasn't sure she was ready for.

She wasn't sure that he was ready for it, either.

In the end, she decided it was easier to just agree. "I suppose not."

"Don't worry, Captain, I don't expect you to stay here tonight."

"I don't mind staying..." Her brain finally kicked itself into gear and she frowned. "Captain?"

"I thought it was about time you had your ship back, Captain."

I don't want it! "Why?"

"I'm just writing a note to all crewmembers that, as of tomorrow, Starfleet uniforms will be required attire." He continued, ignoring her question.

Moving further into the room, Kathryn placed the tray that held their dinner on the coffee table. "Chakotay, why?"

"It's your ship."

He still hadn’t looked at her. "Chakotay, you're the Captain."

"Didn't you once say I was a Maquis terrorist that had blackmailed you?"

She had.

Back in the early days when she was steel reeling from the changes that had happened in her - and everyone else's - lives in quick succession.

Getting stranded, the Maquis takeover, the constant battles with the Kazon, Seska's true identity being revealed... it all happened too fast for any of them to catch a breath and she'd lashed out.

"Chakotay, you are the Captain." Kathryn didn't add that she was sure she could still do the job, but she hoped that he understood the implication.

He shrugged. "Not anymore."

Kathryn moved to the armchair and sat with a loud thud.

He couldn't just decide not to be the Captain anymore, it didn't work like that. He couldn't suddenly get out of bed and decided that he had the right to change their lives all over again.

Most of the crew wouldn't know what to do with their uniforms.

Hell, Kathryn didn't even own one anymore; she'd recycled it on the day of their first anniversary in the Delta Quadrant under Chakotay's leadership.

She'd accepted it and tossing away the uniform - though she kept her pips for sentimentality - had been her own private way of acknowledging that fact.

After all of the changes that the crew - his crew of Voyagers - had lived through, she couldn't and wouldn't ask them to accept another one like this. After what everyone had been through, Kathryn wasn't sure that they could handle anything more.

Rising on shaky legs, Kathryn moved and sat next to him on the sofa, their bodies touching from shoulder to knee. "I miss him too." She said quietly.

"Don't." His voice was tight.

"Chakotay, you can't just put everything away and hand me the Captaincy like it will make it stop hurting."

"Don't."

She was walking a fine line here, testing exactly how much control he had left in him before he snapped after days without sleep and, she expected, food or liquid.

The sound of the Doctor's voice rang in her ear, telling them that Roshan's little body simply hadn't been able to fight off the Macrovirus.

She could still see the sympathetic hand that he had placed on Chakotay's arm and she could still see Chakotay turning and leaving sickbay without a word.

Kathryn didn't think she'd ever forget seeing those.

"I miss him too." She repeated quietly, sliding her arm across his shoulder and coaxing him to follow her until they were lying on his sofa, arms wound around each other.

***

"Captain on the bridge."

The Maquis weren't anywhere near as formal as Starfleet - a fact that was supported by the first name basis that the ship ran on and the lack of anything remotely uniform - and announcing a senior officer, be it the Captain or not, wasn't required.

But Kathryn thought it fitting that Harry's voice rang out and they all automatically sprung to their feet when Chakotay entered the bridge the next morning.

It was a sign of respect, nothing more.

He didn't comment on the formality as he moved out of the Turbolift and down to stand in front of his chair.

No one expected him to.

"Status report."

Kathryn sat back down when voices started calling out the status of the Ship.

Chakotay moved to his chair, listening and adding a comment when necessary. He caught her eye and she smiled at him. The corners of his mouth twitched a little in return.

It wasn't much, but it was a start.

***

Neelix frowned in confusion when he opened his eyes. "I'm in sickbay?"

"Yes, Mister Neelix. You sustained third degree plasma burns and a moderate concussion, but my skills have prevented you from suffering permanent damage."

"Thank you, Doctor."

Tuvok stepped forward. "One of the criminals was killed in the plasma explosion, the others have been taken into custody by Mister Bahrat."

"Our people were released," Kes added.

"Oh, good. And Wix?"

"Mister Wixiban was given his shuttle. He sent you his thanks before making a hasty departure."

Kathryn shared a quick look with their fresh-from-jail Captain.

"Would all of you excuse us. I'd like to talk to Neelix alone." He frowned at her when she went to move away and Kathryn stood back, listening to their exchange quietly. "Well, do you have anything to say for yourself?"

"Only that I'm terribly sorry."

"Oh, you're sorry. Is that supposed to make everything better? I don't really care whether you're sorry or not, Neelix. At this point it doesn't matter. I can't imagine what made you behave the way you did, lying to us, sneaking around behind our backs, covering up criminal activity. Did you have some misguided reason to think this was acceptable behavior?"

"No, sir."

Chakotay folded his arms across his chest. "You've been one of my most trusted advisors since we began this journey. How can I ever trust you again? How can I ever listen to you without wondering whether you're telling the truth or not?"

"I've never been dishonest to you before, I swear, Captain. I just took one step, a step that seemed perfectly reasonable, and that step lead to another and another and before I knew what I was involved in something I didn't know how to handle."

"What was it? What was so important that you were willing to throw away your principles?"

"I needed a map." Neelix admitted quietly.

"A map!"

"Captain, my usefulness to you was at an end. I don't know anything about space beyond this point. I couldn't let you go into the Nekrit Expanse without knowing what you faced."

"You've been on this ship for three years. I'd think by now you'd have learned the first duty of any person on this Ship is to the truth. You violated that duty, Neelix, and there will be consequences."

"I'm prepared to leave the ship, Captain."

Kathryn couldn't imagine that Chakotay was prepared to let him leave, not after the death's that they were all still reeling from.

"Oh, no, it's not that easy. You can't just walk away from your responsibilities just because you made a mistake. You're part of a family now and you have obligations."

"But, I can't guide you, I can't advise you." He shrugged helplessly. "I don't know what's coming."

"Well that's not the point, is it? None of us knows what's coming. That's what this Ship is all about. We are all in this together, Neelix, and we have to be able to count on each other no matter how hard it gets. Do you understand?"

"Yes, yes I do."

"Well that's good. Report to deuterium maintenance at oh four hundred tomorrow morning. You're going to spend the next two weeks scrubbing the exhaust manifolds. That should give you time to think about what I've said. Dismissed."

Neelix nodded and quickly scrambled to his feet and left sickbay.

Chakotay looked across to Kathryn. "Too harsh?"

After the last few days that he'd spent being detained in prison thanks to Neelix and his 'friend's' activities, Kathryn thought that Chakotay had been perfectly restrained. "No. What he did was wrong."

"Yes, it was."

Kathryn was about to ask him if he wanted to get some dinner with her when he shrugged and said he was going to bed. "Oh. I'll see you in the morning."

***

"We've got to do something." B'Elanna growled. "He can't keep wandering around like everything is normal during shift and then running off to his Quarters."

"I know," Kathryn agreed. "But we can't force him to do anything. It's only been a few weeks since..." She hadn't actually been able to say - or think - the 'd' word at all.

"Since Roshan died?" B'Elanna, on the other hand, clearly didn't share that problem.

Kathryn sighed into her mug of coffee. "He needs to grieve."

"He's not grieving, he's hiding." The other woman corrected. "Look at the incident yesterday with Harry and Marayna."

Kathryn thought about it. The lonely alien had posed as a holodeck character and Harry - poor, sweet Harry - had fallen head over heals for her right about the time that she had fallen head over heels for Tuvok.

They'd had to negotiate with the alien in the nebula and, eventually, had even had to send Tuvok over to negotiate with her when she refused to let Voyager leave, knocking their propulsion offline in an attempt to keep them - him - near her.

"What about it? He handled the situation professionally." Chakotay had done exactly what she would have done and Voyager had got out alive.

"Professionally?" B'Elanna repeated. "That's exactly what I mean."

Kathryn was getting confused. "What's wrong with being professional?"

"He didn't check on Harry or Tuvok after we got away from the Nebula. He went straight back to his Quarters."

"Oh."

Chakotay, they both knew, wasn't an average Captain.

Aside from how he acquired the job in the first place and regardless of his political affiliations, he really cared about his crew.

So much so that Kathryn couldn't think of one incident where someone in the crew had been hurt/injured/gone through something meaningful and Chakotay hadn't sought them out to talk it through with them if they wanted.

He wanted to remain connected to the crew and, more importantly, he valued his friendships with them.

It was very unlike him to simply deal with the incident on the bridge and then just leave it at that.

"See what I mean?"

Kathryn did understand where B'Elanna was coming from, but there was nothing that she could think of that would help. "We don't know what it's like, I don't think either of us can judge how he's supposed to deal with loosing a child."

B'Elanna sat back in her chair, crossing her arms over her chest and frowning. "Let me ask you something else, then."

"OK..."

"When Roshan grew up, who do you think he would have called 'mommy'?"

Kathryn didn't answer, but the tabletop became extremely interesting all of a sudden.

B'Elanna took the silence for what it was. "Exactly."

***

Kathryn was trying not to think about her conversation with B'Elanna the previous day.

After she'd mention the title of mommy, Kathryn had excused herself under the guise of getting ready for Voyager's first Talent night.

Someone - Neelix, probably - had convinced her that she should perform something. She'd ended up doing the dying swan routine and, even better, had managed not to fall on her ass.

The highlight of the evening, for her, had to have been the fact that Chakotay had been there.

It was the first social gathering that had been held since they'd encountered the Macrovirus but it was also the first time he'd been seen outside of his Quarters during his off time.

He'd even changed the code to his door and taken to ignoring her knocks.

"So what did you think of talent night?" Kathryn asked, sitting back in the co-pilots chair with a cup of coffee in her hand.

"Harry's clarinet solo was okay. I could have done without Tuvok's reading of Vulcan poetry. But the highlight of the evening was definitely Kathryn Janeway portraying the Dying Swan."

She smiled, finally hearing a joke from him. "I learned that dance when I was six years old. I assure you, it was the hit of the 'Beginning Ballet' class."

"I don't doubt it. If Neelix has another talent night I hope you reprise it."

"Oh, no. Not until certain other people take their turn. The ship's Captain, for instance."

"Me? Get up in front of people and perform? I don't think so."

Kathryn was relieved that he seemed to be prepared to joke with her. "Come on, Chakotay, there must be some talent you have that people would enjoy. Maybe I could stand with an apple on my head and you could phaser it off."

She knew it was the wrong thing to say as soon as it left her mouth.

Opening her mouth to apologize, Kathryn swore quietly when the shuttle lurched and half of her coffee ended up across her lap.

"Atmospheric turbulence. We might be in for a rough landing."

Moving the cup out of the way, she sat up straight and looked at the consoles in front of her. "Funny, a minute ago there wasn't any indication of rough weather."

"I'm reading even more severe storms near the surface."

"Ion lightning." She frowned. "Maybe we'd better try the fifth planet and come back here when things have cleared up."

"I think we took a lightning hit. Attitude control is out."

"Switching to manual."

"The navigational system's out."

She tapped at the display desperately. "Reverse engines, full thrusters."

"Warning. Hydrazene gas leak." the computer's voice made her jump a little.

"Altitude twelve kilometers, hull temperature four thousand degrees." Kathryn shot a quick glance to Chakotay before frowning at the display before her. "We have to reduce speed."

"I'll try the emergency anti-grav thrusters."

The shuttle lurched again, more violent this time, and Kathryn went backwards.

Dimly, she heard Chakotay call her name as the world went black.

***

She gasped, her burning lungs forcing her to suck in air gratefully and, when she looked up, Chakotay's worried face was the first thing she was. "Chakotay."

"Don't ever do that to me again." He told her harshly, before his features softened. "You went into shock. Gave me quite a scare there for a minute. This should help reduce your cranial swelling. Should have a head ache for a while." He pressed the hypospray to her neck.

Kathryn winced. "I'll live with it."

"We need to set up a homing signal." A hand under her elbow, Chakotay helped her up. "Hey, take it easy."

"I'm all right. Chakotay, we're going to need the blankets and the rations."

"I can get them. You set up the homing signal. At least the storm seems to be dying."

Kathryn pulled her comm. badge off and removed the back. Pulling out the small tool, she began to fiddle with it in order to set the homing signal.

Once she was sure that it was active, she looked up and frowned. "What were you looking at?"

"There are phaser burns on the hull." Chakotay replied, moving back towards her with their emergency rations in hand. "I don't think it was lightning strikes that hit us. I think we were shot down."

That was just what they needed. "By whom?"

"I don't know. I'm going back to see if I can get an energy signature from the burns."

Kathryn frowned. If they'd been shot down, it meant that there were likely aliens - with weapons - looking for them... "Chakotay, the homing signal! We might be telling someone just where to find us!"

"Disconnect it while I scan the shuttle."

Picking up her comm. badge again, Kathryn disconnected the signal and sighed. leaning back against the rocks of the cave mouth, Kathryn closed her eyes until she heard footsteps coming towards her.

"The signatures are Vidiian."

"Vidiian? I thought we moved beyond their space."

"If they shot us down you can be sure they'll be coming for us. We need to find a hiding place." He opened his tricorder and frowned at the reading.

"What is it?"

"Life forms, fifty meters from here. They're coming this way."

Kathryn forced her body up. "Let's go."

"There's another group in this direction. We're surrounded."

***

It was some time after the fourth 'loop' that Kathryn decided that she wanted to cry and/or shoot something.

They'd tried dumping the warp core while sill in the Shuttle Sacajawea, they'd fought the Vidiian's, The Doctor had euthanized her - and she wasn't going to forget that one in a hurry - and, lastly they'd had the shuttle torn apart.

She stood on the planet, the wrecked shuttle next to her and headed to the mouth of the cave.

Chakotay was there, crouched on the ground, trying to breathe life into... her?

What the hell?

"Don't you die on me, Kathryn."

She crouched down next to him, watching his frantic chest compressions. "Chakotay, what's happening?"

"Start breathing! Breathe, damnit, breathe! Don't do this to me, Kathryn. Come on, Kathryn, breathe. Not you too. Come on, Kathryn!"

He was crying, she realized with a start. Fat, wet tears rolled down his cheeks but he didn't seem to notice as he continued to alternate between the chest compressions and trying to breathe life into her mouth. "Can't you hear me?"

"Don't you die on me. Come on, breathe. Kathryn, listen to me, you have to breathe. Start breathing! Come on! Come on! Kathryn! Can't die." He let out a sob and pulled her limp body to his chest, cradling her and burying his face in her hair.

Kathryn shuddered as she watched him. "Chakotay, I'm here."

"Voyager to Sacajawea, do you read us?"

The sound of Tuvok's voice made Chakotay lift his head. "Yes, Voyager. How far are you? I have an emergency here."

"We're in orbit, Captain. We've located you but transporters won't function in the storm. A shuttle is on it's way to the surface now."

"Kathryn's dead. We have to get her back to sickbay. The Doctor may still be able to revive her." His voice was steadier than Kathryn expected.

"The away team should be with you in minutes."

"Acknowledged."

She reached out to touch his shoulder and frowned when her hand went through him with no resistance. "I know you can't see me or hear me. I don't know what's going on, but I am here, Chakotay, I am not dead."

"Kathryn, we're going to get you back. Just hold on."

***

Kathryn watched helplessly as they tried to revive her.

The EMH and Kes worked frantically to revive her and Chakotay stood to the side, watching silently.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, The Doctor shook his head. "Make a note in the log. Death occurred at oh three twenty hours. Cause, massive cerebro- vascular collapse."

Chakotay turned and left.

"Computer, confirm Janeway voice pattern." She frowned when nothing happened, not even a beep of acknowledgement. "Kes, you're a telepath, you've been able to sense things others can't. Kes, can you sense me?"

"Kes, please go to the science lab and prepare the autopsy protocols."

The young woman nodded and Kathryn followed her through the corridor.

It wasn't until she actually walked ahead and turned to face Kes, causing the young woman to walk through her, that Kathryn finally got a reaction.

***

She stood behind Chakotay at the briefing, smiling when they all tried to form a plan to figure out what Kes had felt in the corridor.

"That's more like it." She murmured as everyone stood, armed with the knowledge of what they needed to do.

Kathryn watched them leave, one by one, until Chakotay was the only one left in the room.

Still sat at the head of the table, he scrubbed his hands over his tired features and sighed. "You'd better not be dead Kathryn."

He couldn't feel it, but she laid her hand on his shoulder.

"I'm not sure I could take it." He sighed again and rose, moving towards the bridge.

Kathryn followed him and then jumped into the turbolift - quite literally - with B'Elanna as they made their way to engineering.

She perched herself on a console - and the scientific part of her wanted to know why she couldn't touch people or objects, but she could sit on a console. And, hey, why hadn't she fallen through the floor when she could walk through walls? - and watched as the engineering team set up their equipment.

They were going to run a full sub-space sweep, to see if she had phase-shifted out of their reality. Kathryn didn't know what had happened to her so, at this point, that seemed like as good an idea as any.

B'Elanna stood back from the console that she was working on. "I've reconfigured the lateral sensor array to scan subspace."

It was habit to respond. "Don't forget to run a magneton sweep."

"The forward array is ready to scan for temporal phase-shifting, chronotron particles or field flux." Harry nodded.

"I'm going to activate the magneton scanner. It might pick up an anomalous presence."

Kathryn watched them work for a moment before a bright orange light formed in the centre of the room, slowly spreading.

"Now what?" She muttered, moving away from the oblivious engineering team.

A form began to emerge, slowly.

When his features were defined enough to recognize, she gasped. "Daddy!" The gasped word was automatic and as soon as it was out of her mouth, she frowned. "Who are you? Are you responsible for what's going on here?"

"You know who I am, Kathryn."

"My father died over fifteen years ago."

"Yes. Drowned under the polar icecap on Tau Ceti Prime. It was devastating to you."

"You may be a hallucination, or some kind of projection of my own imagination, but you are not my father."

"Kathryn, Kathryn. I raised you to be a doubter and a skeptic, to look at the world with a scientist's eye, but in this instance that won't work."

"Why not? If you know what's going on here, tell me."

"Isn't it clear? You're dead. You died in that shuttle crash."

"No, no, no, that's not possible." If she were dead, then seeing her friends in so much pain wouldn't hurt like it did.

"I understand your confusion, your refusal to accept what's happened. I went through the same thing after my accident."

"What do you mean?"

"I went back to you, and your mother, and your sister after I died for a long time, until I realized it was futile. That's what happens when death is unexpected. One's consciousness isn't prepared to let go."

"Consciousness." Her stomach turned at the thought. But, if she was dead, she shouldn't have a stomach to turn. Kathryn was confused. "Is that what you're calling me? Kathryn's consciousness."

"For the want of a better word. Some say ghost or spirit. We all heard the stories and thought they were the product of vivid imaginations or self-induced hysteria. I'll admit I was surprised when I found they were true."

The idea that she actually was dead was a bitter pill and Kathryn wasn't prepared to swallow it just yet. "If you stayed with me after you died you should be able to tell me what happened then."

"You were so grief-stricken you fell into a terrible depression. You spent months in bed, sleeping away your days rather than confronting your feelings. I'm not sure what would have happened if your sister hadn't forced you into the real world again."

"If you're a hallucination, a part of me, you'd know those things."

"Kathryn, remember several times after I died you woke up thinking I was in the room with you? You told your sister it felt absolutely real. That's because it was real. I was there trying to convince you to get on with your life."

"Just for the sake of argument let's say you're right. What's next?"

"That's up to you. Eventually you will cross over. The only question is how long it will take you to give up this world."

"Cross over to where?"

"I don't know what to call it. Another state of consciousness unlike anything we could have imagined in life. It's not a frightening place, Kathryn. It's full of joy and indescribable wonder."

"Kes sensed I was here. They're looking for me!"

"People have felt the presence of ghosts throughout the ages, but the technology to find them still hasn't been invented."

No. Kathryn knew her friends. "They won't give up easily."

"But they will give up eventually. They'll accept what's happened, and that's what you have to do." Her father, if he was her father, looked at her for a moment. "You'll see people that have died over the years."

"I will?"

"Loved ones. Friends, family. Justin. Roshan."

"Roshan?"

"Even babies go to heaven, Kathryn."

"No." She shook her head. The thought of seeing his tiny face again pulled at her heart, but the thought of not seeing Chakotay and the others made her shiver. "They're looking for me. Kes did it once, she can do it again. I'm going to help her."

"If that's what you feel you need to do, I understand."

***

Her own funeral.

When Kathryn was younger - specifically, some time around puberty when mood swings had been her constant companion - she had often wondered what people would say about her when she died.

Would they cite the great many scientific achievements that she was destined to make? Would a husband stand and cry, with children nearby? Or would her funeral be an empty occasion, just someone to provide the service and a few lone people that had known her?

In all of her imagined scenarios, Kathryn had never expected that her funeral would be held in another Delta Quadrant with over a hundred people standing with tears in their eyes and on their cheeks.

B'Elanna spoke, her words heartfelt. Kathryn swallowed a lump in her throat at the other woman's elegant words.

She listened to Harry talk, listened to his story of the berries. Tears slipped down her cheek when Tom escorted him to the side of the room, patting his back comfortingly.

Those two men had formed a friendship parallel to none and it just added to the list of reasons why she couldn't leave them. She had to see where they went from this point.

She had to see where they all went.

Her father - though she still wasn't certain of that - stood behind her, listening to their words as well.

Chakotay spoke, but it was brief and an end to the ceremony more than anything else. After watching his reaction on the planet and in sickbay, Kathryn wasn't surprised.

Watching as the pod with her body was released into space, she felt a few more tears slip down her cheeks.

"It's over, Kathryn. There's nothing left for you here. Come with me."

"What do I do to leave here?"

"Just decide." He shrugged. "The only thing that keeps you is your refusal to leave."

"You may be right in everything you've said to me, but I'm not ready to accept it. I'm not ready to go." She still didn't understand why she could feel so much - or cry, even - when she was dead.

"My poor little bird. You always made it hard for yourself. If there was a rocky path and a smooth one, you chose the rocky one every time."

While that may be true, she still wasn't prepared to leave. Not yet. "If I stay, maybe it'll be easier for them. Maybe I could be comforting somehow."

"You're saying all the things I told myself when I refused to leave you. I was hoping you wouldn't have to go through that. It's a horrible existence, Kathryn. As time wears on you begin to see how potent, how destructive, loneliness is. You'll see the people you love going on with their lives, doing all the things you used to share with them, but you won't be a part of it any more. You'll be forever shut out of their existence. It becomes agonizing. I don't want that to happen to you."

"Maybe that's what it will take for me to make that decision. I just know that now I'm not ready."

"What can I do to convince you?"

"Nothing. I can't, I won't abandon them. We're too much a part of each other, can't you see it? We've been through so much together. I have to know what's going to happen to them. To see Kes continue to grow and learn. To know if Tom and B'Elanna will ever stop sparring with each other and develop a real friendship." She didn't mention Chakotay, but if he was really her father, he would know.

"You can only be an observer of their lives, never a participant."

"I don't care. I'd rather be here in spirit than not at all."

"Every hour you stay here makes it that much more difficult to leave."

"Why are you pushing me? I've made up my mind." Her voice hardened. "I'm staying here!"

Something flashed.

***

"The cortical stimulator is working. I'm getting a weak pulse."

Something - hope? - flashed in Chakotay's eyes. "She's coming back."

"I'll use cordrazine along with the stimulator."

Tuvok looked on silently.

***

"What was that? What happened?"

"What do you mean?"

"I saw Tuvok and Chakotay and the Doctor."

"Here?"

"No. It was different, as though," She frowned, trying to make sense of what she'd seen. "As though I were looking up at them."

He nodded. "A hallucination like the others."

"It didn't feel like the others. I didn't see myself. I was looking up at them!" It clicked, all at once. "That's the real me, isn't it, lying on the ground on that planet, dying and this is the hallucination. This isn't real."

"More denial." He shook his head. "You're only making it harder on yourself."

"You're trying very hard to convince me to come with you. Why is that? If what you're saying is true, why not let me come to the decision on my own?"

"I'm trying to spare you unnecessary pain."

"My father would never act like this. He always believed I had to learn my own lessons, make my own mistakes. He never tried to shield me from life. Why would he try to shield me from death? You're not my father. I could be imagining you, but I don't think so. You have such a specific agenda. You're determined that I go with you somewhere. Who are you?"

"I'm trying to help you. Stop fighting me."

"Are you an alien being of some kind? Is that it?"

***

Chakotay gasped. "Her eyes are open."

"Vital signs are responding. Blood pressure is sixty over thirty."

Tuvok frowned. "But the entity is still inhabiting her cerebral cortex, impeding your treatment."

"Kathryn, hang on. We're bringing you back. Just fight a little longer."

"Direct synaptic stimulation might drive out the alien presence."

***

Kathryn thought that she could feel Chakotay's hand on hers. "I was right. I heard Tuvok and Chakotay and the Doctor. You're an alien. You've created all these hallucinations, haven't you?"

He shrugged. Apparently the pretense was over. "This is what my species does. At the moment just before death one of us comes to help you understand what's happening, to make the crossing over an occasion of joy."

"And what is that?"

"Our Matrix, where your consciousness will live. I was being truthful when I said it was a place of wonder. It can be whatever you want it to be."

"Then why didn't you tell me this from the beginning? Why pretend to be my father."

"Usually people are comforted to see their loved ones. It makes the crossing over a much less fearful occasion. I've done this many times but I've never encountered someone so resistant."

***

"Something's happened. The alien presence is getting stronger again." The EMH frowned.

"Fight it, Kathryn. Come on honey, just a little longer."

"I'll have to try a thoron pulse."

***

She shook the image of them away.

"What's the real reason you want me in that Matrix? Somehow I don't think it has anything to do with everlasting joy."

"You must go with me."

"If you could force me to go, you'd have done it already. You need me to agree, don't you? I have to go voluntarily."

"Wouldn't that be better than standing here in this endless debate?"

"Let me tell you this. We can stand here for all eternity and I will never choose to go with you."

"You're in a dangerous profession, Kathryn. You face death everyday. There'll be another time and I'll be waiting. Eventually you'll come into my Matrix and you will nourish me for a long, long, time."

She sneered at his image as his figure started to be absorbed by the same bright orange light that he had appeared on. "Go back to hell, coward."

Closing her eyes, she willed with everything that she had for this to be over.

Coughing, Kathryn gasped for air as her eyes shot open again.

Looking up, she could see Chakotay, the Doctor and Tuvok all looking down at her, relieved expressions on their faces.

Chakotay sighed. "Kathryn."

***

When the chime on her office door rang, Kathryn looked up from the report that she was reading.

"Come in."

Chakotay strolled in, a hand behind his back. "I could have sworn I heard the Doctor tell you to take it easy for a few days."

"Talking it easy usually makes me feel worse." She admitted with a sigh.

"You shouldn't push yourself. You've been through a lot." Pulling the hand from behind his back, Chakotay handed her a single peace rose.

"Oh." She sniffed it gently and sighed. "To tell you the truth, I'd rather stay busy than dwell on what happened."

"I can understand that. I can't help thinking about it. That alien, his Matrix, he was like the spider that has to lure a fly into his web."

"Do you think it's possible that each of the near death experiences we've heard about are the result of an alien inhabitation?" She shuddered at the thought.

"That's a little hard to believe."

Kathryn nodded her agreement. "I hope so. I'd prefer to think his species was unique to the Delta Quadrant and that I've seen the last of him."

"I'm sure that's the case. After going head to head with Kathryn Janeway he must have realized he'd met his match."

"Come on, Chakotay. We've cheated death, that's worth a celebration, don't you think? A bottle of champagne, moonlight sail on Lake George, how does that sound?"

He frowned and, for a moment, Kathryn thought that he was going to say no and revert back to his hermit-esq ways. But then he smiled. "Like something worth living for."

***

Kathryn rested back against the boat as they sailed along Lake George.

As promised, a glass of champagne was in her hand and the moonlight cast a glow across them and the lake.

Chakotay was fiddly with something at the other end of the boat - she teased that he was 'doing secret manly things' but that produced a plethora of images that she should probably avoid - and the occasional rattle or bump from him was the only sounds that fought for dominance over the water licking at the boat.

"So," He said, balancing his way back towards her. "Are you feeling OK?"

Kathryn poured another glass and handed it to him once he'd sat himself next to her. "I'm fine. The Doctor said that there'd be no lasting effects."

"Except the psychological ones."

"Well, yes, except for those." She agreed with a shrug. "It was kind of nice, at first. Seeing my father. Thinking that I really could go into the afterlife and be with him again." She wasn't going to tell him that the her father - the alien - had mention Roshan.

Though it had been almost three weeks, Chakotay still hadn't said his name and Kathryn wasn't prepared to push the issue. Regardless of what B'Elanna had said and regardless of the grief that she felt, she wasn't his mother and she didn't know what Chakotay was going through.

"Maybe one day you will." Chakotay replied with a raised eyebrow. "No one really knows."

"What do your people believe?" Chakotay's beliefs, while not always 'conventional', had always given her a spark of hope.

He shrugged. "Pretty much what the alien tried to tell you. That we go into the afterlife to be greeted with all of the people that passed before us. My father and grandfather, my mother will be there. And others."

She knew who 'others' was. "I hope it's true."

Kathryn watched the moonlight reflecting over the still waters, ripples forming behind their boat as they sailed lazily across the lake.

"I saw it, you know." She finally told him. "When you and Tuvok and the Doctor were on the planet trying to save me, I could see it."

"You did?"

"Yeah." She couldn’t bring herself to tell him that she had seen him performing CPR on her - had that even happened? She wasn't sure - and she couldn't let herself think about the desperation she'd seen in him.

"It must have horrible been to watch."

Kathryn sighed, thinking of those fat tears that scrolled down his cheeks. "You have no idea."

***

Tom was laughing at her, but Kathryn didn’t care as she spun in circles, her arms flung out.

She felt alive here, in the sunlight and she was going to enjoy every possible second while the away team searched for vorillium.

“You’ll get dizzy!”

She stopped her spinning and frowned at Tom. “Spoil sport.”

Tom, though several years her junior, was quite an entertaining companion to have around and Kathryn was glad the she had been given the chance to get to know him on a more personal level.

She had a hard time trying to imagine her friendships with the crew if she’d been Captain, though Chakotay had certainly seemed to manage it.

“Where’s Harry wandered off to?”

“Probably just looking over that ridge.” He pointed to the distance and stared at his tricorder for a moment. “I think I’ve found a rich vein of vorillium about fifty meters under the surface.”

“Do you have the mining equipment?”

“I’ll call Harry back and we’ll set it up. You just…” Tom grinned. “Keep spinning.”

Kathryn wasn’t going to argue.

***

"So how are you feeling?"

B'Elanna shrugged. "Better."

"Better?" Kathryn raised her eyebrow. "I've heard some interesting stories about you and Tom on the planet..."

While they'd been trying to mine gallicite out of the rocks of an M-Class planet, Vorik had infected B'Elanna with a human version of Pon Farr which had led to an interesting development in the rocky Paris/Torres relationship.

"I've heard some equally interesting ones about you and Chakotay." B'Elanna shot back.

"None of those are true." Kathryn replied automatically and, as much as it pained her, it was the truth.

Chakotay has been chasing her since New Earth but, in the last month, he had completely pulled back.

No dinners, no more social outings aside from the one that they took to Lake George. He didn't smile at her very often, he didn't flirt and he showed absolutely no physical interest in her.

Kathryn was a tactile person, much more so than he, but he had made an effort to touch her - something small, like a touch to her arm, or even a kiss to her cheek - almost every time that they were together.

Maybe it had just been that she was the last woman on the planet and, then, she was close by to help with the baby.

"Why not?"

She shrugged, but tears pricked at her eyes anyway. "He's not interested."

"I doubt that."

"It doesn't matter."

B'Elanna met her gaze, holding eye contact intently. "Doesn't it?"

"No. Of course not." Kathryn was under no illusions that B'Elanna believed her.

***

Their next mission proved her words and Kathryn tried to swallow the lump in her throat when B'Elanna looked at her with something horribly akin to pity.

Ensign Kaplan and Chakotay were returning to Voyager after completing a scouting mission in the Nekrit Expanse when their shuttle picked up a beacon from Voyager on a nearby planet. Following the source of the beacon, they had found about 80,000 humanoid life forms trying to survive in a rudimentary society.

Kaplan hadn't survived when they're been attacked on sight and Chakotay had sustained severe injuries.

A woman named Riley Frazier had helped him.

Helped. Kathryn snorted. More like used him.

The society had been exposed as being former Borg drones and they had linked their minds with Chakotay to repair the damage to his body and then had wanted him to help them form a sub collective within their camp.

Chakotay had come back to Voyager and asked her for her thoughts. Kathryn had told him, in no uncertain terms, that there was no way she would help them if she had been in his position.

He may have been the Captain, but apparently her word still counted towards something and he'd agreed to decline the Borg's - former Borg, she thought with a roll of her eyes - request. They'd used the link to coerce him into doing what they wanted.

Kathryn had met Riley to listen to her proposal for the 'sub collective' and she would have had to be blind to miss the connection between that woman and her Captain.

The logical, sensible part of her had been glad.

After Roshan's death - and her own 'almost' death - Chakotay had completely shut down in terms of emotions. Kathryn and B’Elanna had engaged in many a worried discussion about it and when she saw his connection to Riley that logical, sensible part of her had been glad that he'd found some small measure of comfort in whatever form their relationship had taken.

The woman in her had howled in outrage.

***

Kathryn groaned as she was pulled into consciousness.

Forcing her heavy eyelids opened, she blinked sleepily at the man beside her bed.

The look on his face made her instantly awake and Kathryn sat up, the sheets falling around her mid-section as she frowned. "What's wrong?"

"He would have been six months old today."

She had known that.

The computer had reminded her a week ago that Roshan would be six months old and she'd planned to present Chakotay with a blanket that she'd started to crochet for him. The blanket - not much more than the base square, at this point - and her crochet hook were in the bottom of her closet, forgotten now.

Kathryn watched Chakotay carefully as he leant against the wall beside her. There wasn't much that she could say, really, but the fact that he'd come to her gave her a pleasant buzz.

"I was going to take him on a vision quest with me today." Chakotay continued quietly. "And I was going to introduce him to his spirit guide."

"Chakotay..."

"It doesn't matter now, though, does it?"

"I think it matter to you."

Moving to the other side of the bed, Kathryn lay down and patted the space she'd vacated. Chakotay hadn't spent the night with her in over three months, since she'd forced him to lie on the sofa with her after he'd offered her the position of Captain back.

For a moment, she thought that he might turn and walk out - I'm no Borg blonde, she thought bitterly - but then he kicked his shoes off and crawled into the bed beside her, rolling onto his side to face her.

"I didn't think it would hurt this much." He admitted. "I didn't even want him to begin with."

"You bonded." She replied quietly. Kathryn almost felt guilty for forcing the bonding process between them. If she hadn't, maybe Roshan's death wouldn't have hit him quite so hard.

"He would have been a great person."

"The little guy certainly had character." She agreed with a soft smile, remembering the times that she'd rocked the wailing child as he screamed his outrage at the world.

"I miss him, Kathryn."

Wriggling he body across the bed, Kathryn pressed herself against him and sighed when Chakotay's arms moved around her body to hold her. "I do too."

***

If ever asked, Kathryn had plans to adamantly deny any and all knowledge of any tears that may or may not have fallen into her hair that night. She imagined that Chakotay would deny the knowledge of salt water touching his chest as well.

After they'd woken, they had spent a few days in orbit of the outpost of Mikhal Travellers. The loosely governed race of explorers had extensive knowledge of the territory ahead of them, which they were willing to share.

While they were in orbit, the Doctor had undertaken a personality improvement project. He'd trolled through the historical personality files in Voyagers database and selected character elements that he'd found admirable and merged them into his own program. Socrates, da Vinci, Lord Byron, T'Pau of Vulcan, Madame Curie, dozen of the greats.

Unfortunately, in the process, the subroutines had manifested themselves as a rather aberrant personality. He'd killed a man on the planet's surface that had shown and interest in Kes and he'd tortured B'Elanna in sickbay.

When Kathryn entered sickbay - and she hated herself for the fact that her heart skipped a beat in fear when she caught sight of the Doctor - she could see the guilt that he felt clearly.

"Doctor."

He looked up from his computer terminal. "Kathryn."

"I was wondering how you were doing?" In the time that they'd been in the Delta Quadrant, she'd watched him turn from a hapless computer program into an almost flesh and blood human, trying to learn new things, better himself.

He had faults, like any human, but he was her friend and the recent experience that he'd been through had reminded her of exactly how fallible he could be.

"I'm fine. B’Elanna is back to her old self again." He tried to smile but it didn't really work all that well.

"I've already spoken to B'Elanna." Kathryn told him, moving to sit across from him. "But I want to know how you are."

"Feeling a little foolish." He admitted.

"Why?"

"Because I should know better than to fiddle with my program."

"You were trying to better yourself, Doctor." She smiled gently. "No one can fault you for that."

"I may have had the best of intentions, but the results were less then stellar." He sighed. "Is the Captain angry?"

He looked so much like a child that had been caught doing something wrong. "No, he understands what you were trying to do."

"I've promised B'Elanna that I'll download a good book next time I want to better myself."

She smiled. "Good idea."

"May I ask how you are?"

"Oh, fine." She smiled and, for the first time in months, Kathryn thought that it might actually be true.

***

"Let's mark the co-ordinates of that trinary star. It'll be a good reference point for this sector."

Harry frowned at Chakotay. "Didn't we already pass a trinary system like this?"

"Not that I remember. Why?"

The young man shrugged self-consciously. "Just seems familiar."

"Perhaps you're experiencing a paradoxical state-dependant associated phenomenon."

"Deja vu." Kathryn translated, smiling at her old friend.

"Yes, I guess so." Harry frowned, unconvinced.

Tuvok tapped at the display in front of him. "Captain, there is a ship approaching, bearing two one five mark eight."

"On screen."

"Their shields are down and their weapon systems are unpowered." The Vulcan continued.

Harry nodded. "They're hailing us."

"My respects to you. I'm Alben, Captain of the Narada."

"Captain Chakotay of the Starship Voyager."

"I thought I was familiar with every type of ship in this sector, but I've never seen anything like yours before."

"We're not from around here." Kathryn offered with a soft smile, moving to stand beside Chakotay.

"In that case, let me welcome you to Nasari territory."

"That ship's going to fire!" Harry cried, cutting the link.

Chakotay whirled around to face him. "What?"

"Captain, we've got to defend ourselves."

"I am detecting no threat." Tuvok offered. "Captain, control has been moved to the ops station. Our weapons systems are charging."

Harry's fingers danced over the console in front of him. "Raising shields and firing phasers."

"Direct hit." Tuvok reported.

"Red alert! Hail them. We've got to put a stop to this." Chakotay looked ready to kill.

"Captain, I have that-"

"You will explain yourself, Mister Kim, but right now you're relieved. Kathryn, you're at ops."

She moved to the ops station and took Harry's place, returning weapons control to tactical.

"They are not responding to hails."

Kathryn cast a quick glance to Tuvok when he spoke, but kept most of her attention on the console in front of her, trying to ignore Harry as he stood silently on the Bridge, looking lost.

***

"Harry is an alien?"

"Apparently."

"And his parents - his real parents - travelled to Earth to implant his Human Mother with an egg?"

Chakotay shrugged. "That's what they tell me."

Kathryn frowned. "Isn't that a little... far fetched?"

"You would think," Chakotay agreed. "But look at all we've been through over the years. Does anything really surprise you in this Quadrant anymore?"

He had a point. "So... what now, then?"

Kathryn couldn't believe that they'd gone from Harry firing at unsuspecting aliens, citing that they would attack them - which had turned out to be true - to finding out that Harry wasn't actually human, but in fact from the planet Taresia. His unexplained 'illness' had actually been his real DNA asserting itself.

Life was certainly never dull in the Delta Quadrant.

"Harry is going to stay on the planet tonight while we contact the three Nasari vessels holding position and try to convince them not to shoot us on sight."

Casting a quick glance out of the Ready Room view port, Kathryn sighed at the planet. "Do you think he'll stay with them?"

She couldn't imagine their journey without the baby of the family.

They are his family now.

"To be honest, I don't know." Chakotay moved to stand by her side and touched her hand. "It wouldn't be right if he wasn't here,"

"But we can't force him to stay." She finished for him. "I know. I still don't like the idea of loosing another crewman."

They'd lost four people and Roshan all within the space of a few months, plus her own near-death experience.

Chakotay followed her gaze at they looked upon the planet that could entice Harry to stay. "I don't either."

***

Twenty minutes later they found themselves facing Alben on the view screen once more.

"I agree with you completely, Captain. There's no reason for further hostility between us."

Chakotay smiled. "I'm glad to hear it, and I hope you'll still feel that way when Harry Kim is back on board."

"I doubt we'll face that problem. Your crewmember won't be returning to you."

Kathryn shot a worried glance to her right.

"What do you mean?"

"No one who comes home to Taresia ever leaves again. There are rumours about those people."

"I'm not interested in hearsay. Are there any facts you can give me?"

"I fire on any Taresian I see. If you take your crewmember back on board I will attack your ship. My best advice to you is to forget him and be on your way." He cut the link abruptly.

Chakotay turned to her. "Do you think there's any truth to those rumours he mentioned?"

"I don't know," Kathryn shrugged, unable to explain the uneasy feeling low in her belly. "but I'll feel better when we've got Harry back."

He nodded. "Set a course back to the planet."

Silence descended over the Bridge as the turned the Ship around and headed back to Taresia. Even Tom was quiet and everyone understood how he felt being faced with the possibility of loosing his best friend.

"Captain, sensors indicate a high density polaron grid surrounding the planet."

Chakotay turned and frowned at Tuvok. "Polaron grid? It wasn't here before."

"A network of satellites was activated to generate it."

"Can we get through the grid?"

Tuvok glanced down at the readings in front of him. "Unlikely. The polaric density is too high."

"Hail them."

"Our communications are being blocked."

Chakotay glanced at Kathryn, their expressions of worry mirrored on each other's faces. "I guess we're not welcome anymore."

***

Kathryn walked quickly to catch up with Chakotay as he headed to sickbay. When she fell into step beside him - and he automatically slowed his pace to make hers more comfortable - she handed him a PADD. "We've been able to poke some holes in the tachyon grid but they're too small to squeeze Voyager through."

"Could a shuttle make it?"

"I doubt it. And even if one could, there's another problem. A Taresian ship is patrolling the other side of the grid."

"And we saw what they can do." Chakotay replied as they entered Sickbay.

The EMH looked up at the sound of them entering Sickbay. "Ah, Captain. When you raised some concerns regarding the Taresians, I began questioning their story about Harry's birth."

Kathryn cocked her head to the side. "I thought you'd confirmed that he has Taresian DNA."

"I did, and he does. At least, he does now, but when I checked his previous microcellular scans I found no traces of the Taresian genetic fragments. I can only conclude that he wasn't born with them."

"Their whole story about embryo implantation was a lie." Chakotay almost looked as relieved as she felt. "He's human."

"Yes, although maybe not for long." The Doctor brought up a display of Harry's DNA pattern, pointing at the screen. "The alien DNA is continuing to alter his genetic structure. Within a few days he'll be indistinguishable from a native Taresian."

"Do you have any idea how this new DNA could have gotten into his cells?"

"The most likely transfer method would be a retro-virus. He was probably exposed during an away mission."

"Wouldn't the bio-filters pick up the virus and eliminate it?"

"They may very well have, but once the virus transferred the DNA into his cells, killing the messenger wouldn't have helped."

Kathryn frowned. "Is there any way to determine exactly when he was infected?"

"Indeed there is. The transporter buffer performs it's own version of a microcellular scan every time someone uses it. I reviewed the logs and found the first appearance of the alien genes in his molecular pattern on Stardate 50698."

"Our away mission to that planet where we found the vorillium. Harry was with us, and he was separated from the group for a while." She remembered the mission, spinning and laughing with Tom while Harry had been - or so they thought - scouting over a nearby ridge.

"He might have been infected by something he ate or drank, even something he touched."

"So Harry gets infused with alien DNA which gives him the instinctive urge to come here. Then the Taresians tell him this elaborate story to make him believe he was one of them." Chakotay summarized. "Why?"

"Don't forget that welcoming committee on the planet." All of those scantly clad women... "It sounds as if they're giving him every incentive to want to stay on Taresia."

Chakotay nodded; he could see where she was coming from as well. "And by keeping us away, they're making the decision for him."

***

Kathryn flopped down onto the sofa, feet automatically moving to rest on the coffee table.

"Comfortable?" Chakotay laughed at her as he programmed their dinner into the replicator before moving to sit across from her.

It was the first meal that they'd shared in months and Kathryn was unexplainably grateful that the 'old' Chakotay seemed to be coming back.

He wasn't flirting and joking with her like he used to, but he wasn't spending all of his time in his Quarters either, so she was happy.

"I am, actually." She grinned at him before turning serious. "Do you think we'll ever have a normal week out here?"

"Normal?"

"Yes." She sighed. "A week where no one tries to kill us or steal the ship or take one of our crewmembers with elaborate DNA ploys that are actually little more than them trying to find a living sperm bank."

"We're in uncharted territory, Kathryn. I'd probably be worried if we had a normal week."

Well, yes, there was that. "Harry feels terribly guilty."

Chakotay frowned. "But he didn't do anything wrong."

"He's feeling guilty because he believed the lie so quickly. I think he feels like he betrayed his parents but accepting what they told him."

"There was some pretty compelling evidence." Chakotay shook his head. "Harry shouldn't blame himself."

"That's what I told him too." Kathryn yawned, unable to help herself. "Sorry."

He waved the apology away. "We can have dinner another night, if you'd prefer."

"No, I'm just tired. It's OK."

"OK." The replicator beeped and Chakotay moved to serve their meal. "But if you fall asleep in your plate of food, don't expect me not to laugh."

***

Most of the crew was in the holodeck, celebrating Kes' safe return from, well, Voyager.

She'd gone through her life, starting from old age and working backwards, living through future and, eventually, past events.

No one was quite sure why it had happened as a result of her chroniton levels, but the end result had seen Kes blossom - the longer hair helped, Kathryn thought - into a more mature member of their crew. Four and a half years old and perfectly healthy.

"So, I'm going to become a security officer. How about that?" Neelix was positively glowing with the reports of his potential future.

"Fortunately, Mister Neelix, what Kes has been describing is merely one possible future. On each occasion that she jumped to a previous time, her subsequent actions most likely altered the future from that moment on."

"Good point, Tuvok." Neelix nodded solemnly. "Maybe I'll turn out to be Chief Security Officer."

Kathryn listened with half an ear to the exchange between Harry and Kes about replicator rations.

She couldn't imagine being faced with a future that she knew nothing about, having to live through each stage as a virtual stranger to her own life.

"It's not as if I've seen everything that's going to happen over the next six years." Kes was explaining when she turned her attention back to the group. "I only remember short periods I experienced between jumps."

B'Elanna nodded. "Even so, I bet you found out some pretty interesting things."

"Yeah, Kes." Tom grinned. "Tell us what you know."

Kathryn didn't want to know the future, so she excused herself from the group and made her way to the bar, ordering herself another fruity drink with an umbrella in it from the bartender.

Perched on one of the high stools, she nodded her thanks to the bartender and took a sip of the drink in front of her.

She had only been on her own for a few moments when Kes took the seat beside her. "Kathryn."

"Kes." She smiled. "It's nice to have you back with us."

"I assure you, it's nice to be back."

Kathryn threw a glance over her shoulder at the senior officers and Neelix as they stood around chatting. Chakotay caught her eye and smiled a little, which she returned before turning back to Kes. "Have they finished pestering you for future information?"

"Yes. The Captain suggested that I write a report on the Krenim, just in case we do run into them."

She would have suggested the same thing. "A good idea."

"I'll get started when I leave here." Kes ordered herself a drink. "You haven't asked me what I saw about your life yet."

"I'm not sure that I want to know." Kathryn admitted. "If it was good, you telling me might change it. If it was bad, I'll probably try to avoid it and might end up with something worse. Or I wont and what you tell me will still happen." She rubbed her head. Time travel gave her a headache.

Kes nodded and they fell into silence.

Turning her head again, Kathryn sighed as she looked over at her friends, smiling and laughing. Chakotay was smiling a little too, but he huffed his amusement instead of laughing.

"It wont last." Kes said, breaking her thoughts.

"What wont?"

"His mourning period."

Kathryn hadn't assumed it would last forever. Chakotay had told her that his people believed in mourning for a respectful amount of time when someone died, before moving on with their lives with that person safe in their heart and memories. "I know that."

"But I know for certain that I wont last." Kes took a small sip of the drink. "He'll have other children."

Oh.

That was pretty much the reason that Kathryn didn't hear about the future.

"He deserves to be happy." She carefully replied.

"And you?" Kes asked. "Do you deserve to be happy?"

Well... why wouldn't she? "Yes."

"Then don't worry. I have it on good authority that he'll be ready, soon."

"Ready for what?"

"You." Kes smiled and excused herself.

Kathryn stared after her with a confused frown, watching her back as she left the holodeck.

***

"Have you spoken with the Doctor?" Chakotay asked a few days later over lunch.

During a particularly quiet part for space - Kathryn had, apparently, finally got her 'normal' week - the Doctor had created a family for himself with a wife and two teenage children.

His youngest daughter, Belle, had died in an accident and Kathryn had sat with him after he'd said goodbye to her, unable to stop the tears from rolling down her cheeks when he spoke of the pain caused from watching his daughter die.

She'd told Chakotay about his family and about his decision to terminate the experiment after B'Elanna altered the program to be more 'real', but she hadn't mentioned Belle's death.

"Yes, I have." She answered quietly.

"Does he seem OK to you?"

"He's the Doctor." She shrugged.

"That doesn't tell me a lot."

That's the point. She didn’t like keeping things from him but at this point, she'd only just managed to find a happy balance in their relationship again and Kathryn wasn't willing to risk it. "How are you feeling after your recent away mission?" She asked, changing the subject.

When they'd found two aliens 'studying' them, Chakotay had been transported to their ship and ended up fighting to convince a local government that humans had evolved from their race.

"The experience certainly nurtured the archaeologist in me." He smiled. "But you didn't answer the question."

"I think the Doctor is going to stick with the Voyagers for now."

"Did his family program not work out well?"

Kathryn sighed. If he wanted to, he could easily read the Doctor's - or, hell, even her - report on the matter. "His daughter died in an accident."

"Oh."

"And the Doctor doesn't want to live through that again."

Chakotay shrugged and looked down at his plate. "I can't say that I blame him for that."

"He might be a good person to talk to." Kathryn offered quietly after a moment of silence.

"Because we've been through the same thing?"

"Yes."

Watching her closely for a moment, Chakotay raised an eyebrow. "You lost Roshan too."

"It's not the same though, is it?" The pain that she felt about loosing the baby was immeasurable, but Kathryn imagined that it would have been very different if she'd birthed the little boy herself.

"It is to me."

"Do you want to talk?" He'd never wanted to before. Aside form the very, very rare mention, Chakotay had hardly said a word about his son.

"Not right now."

"OK."

"But... sometime soon?"

She could live with that. "OK."

***

"What have you got?" Chakotay asked as he entered engineering.

"Some bad news." Kathryn frowned. "The long range probe we sent out two months ago has stopped transmitting."

"At first I thought it was a problem with the communications grid." B'Elanna offered. "Then I cleared up the last few seconds of telemetry. Take a look at this."

Kathryn watched his reaction to the cube on the screen. "This could be it, Captain. Borg space."

Chakotay nodded and blew out a long breath. "Briefing Room."

The senior staff in engineering followed their Captain out of the room.

By the time they made it to the briefing room, the rest of the senior staff were waiting for them.

Everyone took their seats while Chakotay stood, leaning against the back of his chair.

"We don't know exactly how many vessels are out there. but their space appears to be vast. It includes thousands of solar systems, all Borg. We are no doubt entering the heart of their territory. There's no going around it but there may be a way through it."

"Before the probe was disabled," Kathryn continued. "It picked up a narrow corridor of space devoid of Borg activity. We've nicknamed it the Northwest Passage."

"Unfortunately, the passage is filled with intense gravimetric distortions. probably caused by a string of quantum singularities." B'Elanna frowned.

"Better to ride the rapids than face the hive." Tom offered.

"Exactly." Chakotay nodded. "We're going to set a course for that corridor. and go into full Tactical Alert. Where do we stand with weapons?"

Tuvok spoke first. "I have reprogrammed the phaser banks to a rotating modulation, but I suspect a Borg vessel will adapt quickly."

"We can use every edge. Harry?"

"I've already configured the long-range sensors to scan for transwarp signatures. An early warning system."

"Good work. Doctor, how are you coming on the medical front?"

"I've analysed every square millimetre of the Borg corpse we recovered three months ago. I'm closer to understanding how their assimilation technology works, and I might be able to create some sort of medical defence."

"Redouble your efforts. This is your top priority. Neelix, I doubt we can resupply the ship any time soon."

"No problem, sir. I'm working on a plan to extend our food and replicator rations."

Chakotay nodded again and Kathryn felt a surge of pride over the way that they were handling this new obstacle. "We have to act fast. The Borg have captured one of our probes. they know we're out here. We'll do everything in our power to avoid a direct confrontation. but if and when we do engage the Borg, I'm confident that we'll be ready. I have faith in each and every one of you. Let's do it."

The senior staff all moved to exit and Chakotay called to Tuvok and Kathryn to stay.

Once the briefing room was empty, Kathryn turned to her old friend.

"How's Kes?" She asked quietly.

"Unsettled. and uncertain. Over the past two hours, she has experienced several telepathic visions about the death of Borg. And the destruction of Voyager."

"Some sort of premonitions?" Chakotay asked.

"Possibly."

"We can't just ignore her intuition but I see no reason to alter our plan." Chakotay caught the slight nod that Kathryn gave. "Tuvok, I want you to keep an eye on her."

Harry's voice over the comm. system stopped any reply that Tuvok may have made. "Captain, long range sensors are picking up transwarp signatures, five point eight light years distant. Closing from behind."

The three of them moved to the Bridge.

"Red Alert." Chakotay ordered, "Evasive manoeuvres."

The ship lurched and then everything seemed to stop. Kathryn frowned at the display between their chairs. "What's happening?"

"We've dropped out of warp." Tom replied.

Chakotay frowned. "Bridge to Engineering What's going on down there?"

"I'm not sure, Captain." B'Elanna replied automatically. "Some kind of subspace turbulence is preventing us from creating a stable warp field."

"Turbulence is increasing." Tuvok told them, but they could all feel the evidence of that for themselves.

"I'm reading two Borg vessels. Make that three, four, no, five." Harry's voice increased in pitch with each number. "Fifteen Borg vessels. Distance two point one light years and closing!"

"Shields to maximum! Stand by all weapons!"

"They're in visual range." Tuvok told them, bringing the image up onto the screen.

Kathryn gasped. "My God. Chakotay."

"I'm picking up a polaron beam." Harry told them. "We're being scanned."

"Think good thoughts."

It seemed like a lifetime before the beam fell off Voyager and the Borg ships moved away from them.

Kathryn frowned; the Borg didn't run.

"Shields held. Warp engines are coming back on-line. All primary systems are stable." Tuvok reported.

"Stand down Red Alert. Harry. maintain a long-range sensor lock on that Borg armada. They seemed to be in quite a hurry, didn't they. I'd like to know what they're up to." Chakotay's face showed the confusion that she felt.

"I'll take this near-miss as a good omen. Resume our course, Mister Paris."

"If we needed any more evidence that we've entered Borg space, I think we just got it." Kathryn offered.

Chakotay nodded. "I'll be in my Ready Room."

***

Kathryn entered the ready Room, PADD in hand. "We've just completed the latest sensor sweep. So far, so good. The Northwest Passage is still clear of Borg activity."

He nodded. "I'd like to see a tactical update."

"According to my calculations, neither of us has eaten since last night. Join me for dinner?"

"No thanks, I'm not hungry. And I've got a lot of work to do."

She nodded. "I've been looking through the personal log entries of all the Starfleet Captains who encountered the Borg. I've gone over every engagement, from the moment Q flung the Enterprise into the path of that first Cube to the massacre at Wolf Three Five Nine. Every battle, every skirmish. anything that might give us an insight into the mind of the Collective." Kathryn told him.

She'd spend a good few hours reading over every scrap of information that she could find, anything that would make the next few months easier for them.

"And?"

Kathryn read from the PADD of information that she'd downloaded to show him. "In the words of Jean-Luc Picard. 'In their Collective state, the Borg are utterly without mercy, driven by one will alone: the will to conquer. They are beyond redemption, beyond reason.' And then there's Captain Amasov of the Endeavour. 'It is my opinion that the Borg are as close to pure evil as any race we've ever encountered.' What's so funny?" He was holding back laughter, she could see it.

"Nothing."

"You're smiling. Obviously, I've said something amusing."

"You sounded just like Amasov."

Kathryn scrunched her nose up. "What?"

"Just now, while you were reading his log. You were using his inflections."

"I did not."

He was still smiling, clearly amused. "Yes, you were. And before that, you were doing a pretty good Picard."

"Was I?"

"It's nothing to be ashamed about. echoing the Greats." He winked at her. "Ensign Hickman in Astrophysics does a passable Janeway."

"If we manage to survive the next few days, I'm going to have a little chat with Ensign Hickman. Imitating the XO, huh? Surely that violates some kind of Maquis protocol." Not that the Maquis were very big on protocol to begin with.

Chakotay smiled before his face became serious. "This day was inevitable. we all knew it. and we've all tried to prepare ourselves for the challenge ahead. But at what point is the risk too great? At what point do we come about and retreat to friendly territory? Could the crew accept living out the rest of their lives in the Delta Quadrant?"

Stretching her hand across the desk, Kathryn took his hand. "If that moment comes, we'll face it together. And we'll make the right decision. You're not alone, Chakotay."

"Four years ago I didn't even know your name. Today I can't imagine a day without you."

Kathryn opened her mouth to respond when Tuvok's voice rang out. "Captain Chakotay to the Bridge."

Chakotay squeezed her hand and held her gaze. "It's Showtime."

***

End