In The Name Of Science

Title: In The Name Of Science
Author: Ky (venom69)
Fandom: Stargate SG-1
Rating: ADULT
Summary: This was either the coolest April Fool's joke in the history of mankind, or Jack was really, really drunk.
Character/Pairing: Sam/Jack
Spoilers: None, really.
Warnings: Sex and language and weirdness.
Author’s Notes: Song belongs to Gloriana. The blame for this lies with Amanda (who wanted a S/J fic based on Voyager's 'Scientific Method'), Elizabeth (who seconded the motion) and Kelly (who will generally be up for most things fic related).
Disclaimer: Usual guff. Not mine, promise to put them back where I found them.
Date: 28/11/09

***

That rebel moon is shinin'
Those stars burn like diamonds
Hell bent on chasin' down that crazy side
I'll follow you where you're leadin'

***

This was either the coolest April Fool's joke in the history of mankind, or Jack was really, really drunk. Because there weren't any other possibilities as far as he was concerned.

Eyeing the protruding stomach warily, he bit his tongue to stop anything akin to laughter escaping.

"Is this like a Kangaroo, then?" He asked.

Four sets of eyes blinked at him.

"You know," he waved toward the 'bump.' "He has a pouch. You're saying he's pregnant... like a Kangaroo."

"Colonel, I'm not kidding."

Fraiser did look serious. But she usually did when there was needles involved.

"He's a..." Jaffa, not human, not known to be currently sleeping with anyone, not to mention a... "dude."

Jack knew how fantastic he was, which was probably a good thing since no one else seemed to be able to recognize it. The same four sets of eyes glared at him.

"You don't seriously expect me to believe that T is... expecting, do you?"

"Well, I haven't done an ultrasound, so I can't say for sure yet." Janet admitted. She gestured to the swollen stomach. "But tell me what that looks like to you, sir."

"And he's got morning sickness." Daniel added.

"Not to mention swollen ankles." Carter grimaced.

Teal'c looked disapproving. Which was called for, Jack decided.

But, seriously. Unless the mess hall had added shrooms to their lunch menu, he was having a really hard time believing this. It was entertaining as hell, certainly, but it was pretty damn ridiculous, too. If he laughed, Jack had a feeling he was going to die.

He bit his tongue. Firmly.

***

She was sex and sin and sweetness all wrapped in creamy flesh. He bit at her stomach, the underside of her breasts, around her navel, across the line of her ribs, tasting as much of her as he could.

He wanted to fuck her, make love to her, take her, own her. But they couldn't here, not in the infirmary, separated from their friends by nothing more than a curtain. So he settled for the harsh moves his mouth made over her sweet skin.

Nipping the skin of her breast, he hummed a happy reply to her quiet moan. "Shhh." He whispered against her. "Don't want to get caught."

"Don't care." She hissed back and Jack tried to muffle his groan as she rocked her hips towards his.

The sound of the curtain being pulled back was what finally stopped him. Jack didn't look to know that he was being stared at. He stealthily moved away from Carter, trying to make it look like he hadn't just been dry humping his Second while she sat on a gurney. He figured none of them bought it.

Janet coughed delicately, but didn't comment. "There's no baby in the... pouch, but the symptoms are all very real. Teal'c's blood work came back positive."

"There's a test you didn't want to pass, eh?" Jack thought it was funny. Teal'c did not.

Odd, that.

Carter found her voice. "So, what now?"

"We'll have to wait." Janet shrugged. "Teal'c was fine when you came back through the Stargate yesterday and all of these symptoms have developed overnight. There's no guessing how quickly they'll progress."

Daniel frowned. "Will he go into labour?"

"I've no idea." The Doctor replied honestly.

"I'll... go... let Hammond know." Jack gestured weakly, before he high-tailed it out of the infirmary.

***

Oh shit, he was a dead man.

Biting his tongue didn't work, biting the inside of his cheek until it bled didn't help, thinking of all the various ways that he was about to die didn't deter him either. Jack tried. He really, really did, but nothing was going to stop the explosion and he just couldn't hold back.

He laughed.

Hard.

He might have pulled a muscle or separated a rib or something equally drastic. He probably would've peed his pants if he hadn't just used the head. Fucking hell.

"Sir- I- ah-" There was nothing that he could say to rectify his epic faux pas.

Not a damn thing.

"Thank you, Colonel." Hammond looked very, very red. But that could've been the hair.

"No, sir, I, really-"

"I'm aware."

Of course he was aware.

The formerly bald commander of the SGC had thick, long hair hanging down past his medals. And it was fire engine red. That was the best part of all.

"If it makes you feel any better, sir," Jack knew it wouldn't, but he couldn't resist, "Teal'c's got a bun in the oven."

***

She was sitting at her Lab bench, looking through the microscope on the table.

Jack watched her for a moment, before he entered the room fully and moved to stand beside her. "Whatchya doing?"

"Looking at the soil samples I took from P4S 987."

The planet they'd just returned from.

After their rather hectic two years - Daniel died a few times, they saved the world, made some enemies and some allies, were possessed/beaten/captured/tortured more than once and generally traipsed around the Galaxy - Hammond had been taking it easy on them. The meeting of the Tok'Ra had been the thing that sealed the deal for their commander. Jack knew, but didn't comment.

They were going to a lot of uninhabited planets lately. Taking samples, collecting data. Places where they camped for a night or two, Daniel translated ruins and went gaga over remains, Teal'c did his... thing and Carter got her geek on with taking samples to later be analysed.

It was like a holiday, SG-1 style.

And Jack was bored shitless.

"Ah." He finally answered. "Found anything?"

"It's... soil." She offered, with a small shrug.

"Good to know." He was so smooth. "So, listen, about the infirmary-"

She paled a little.

"-I don't normally... do that."

Carter frowned. "Make out with women?"

"No, no, I do that! But not with, you know... you." This was going well. "And not in the infirmary."

Her frown turned into a slight smile and her skin was tinting with colour. "Or the rec room."

He'd been trying not to think about that.

She had been innocently reading a book when he'd all but attacked her neck, licking and sucking as much of her flesh as he could reach. He'd only had all of thirty seconds to enjoy her when they'd been interrupted by a clueless SG-2.

He'd refrained from killing them, but only just.

"Or the gym." He agreed pointedly.

That had been all her. She'd walked in while he was on the treadmill first thing in the morning. Without a word, she'd punched the stop button on his keypad - and he'd done some pretty graceful jumping to not end up ass over teakettle - and then she'd kissed him. She'd been wild and needy, much like her primitive self had once been.

He'd only been the lucky recipient for a few short minutes before they'd been paged to the infirmary.

Life wasn't fair, like that.

Carter didn't comment when he mentioned her earlier actions. Which was probably good, since he was more guilty than she was at that point.

"So, have you got any theories on what's going on?" He asked, telling his libido to cool down and forcing his mind onto the matter at hand.

Hand. Her hands. On him. His hands. On her. Turning her in the chair to face him. Undoing her pants, lowering the zipper, pulling them off with her panties. Spreading her legs, surprised and aroused by the moisture he found at the apex of her thighs.

His hands moved to her hips, holding her for his mouth. Lips, teeth and tongue worked her over, sucking and licking. He liked this part of her much more than he'd liked her stomach and, when he groaned his appreciation, she shuddered against him.

When had this stopped being a fantasy and become reality?

Shit, her phone was ringing, somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew it was. But she was too sweet to give him any inclination to stop and Jack latched on to her clit and sucked for all he was worth.

She was coming on his mouth and he knew that he needed to stop, but he couldn't. She went stiff against his face, her thighs clamping shut over his head as fluid flooded her entrance and he greedily drank as much as he could.

Jack didn't know how she found the strength, but she managed to pick up the phone that hadn’t stopped ringing. She didn't say anything, but she nodded before muttering a hoarse 'Yes sir.'

"More people are hurt." Was all she offered, before he helped her dress and followed her to the briefing room.

***

The briefing room had never looked so strange.

For them, that was saying something.

Jack sat quietly, willing away his erection. It had deflated somewhat at the mention of more injured, but the lingering taste of Carter in his mouth had kept his dick at half mast.

Thankfully, there was little about their current conversation that could be considered erotic.

"General Hammond has excessive hair growth." Jack didn't interrupt the good Doctor, though it fairly killed him to not be able to get a Farrah Fawcett joke in at least once. Especially since, every time their commander cut the long wavy tresses off, they grew back within moments. "Teal'c is experiencing the symptoms and physical changes of pregnancy without the presence of a foetus. Doctor Jackson has aged two decades in two hours."

"Three, now." Daniel grumbled, his voice hoarse from the persistent cough he'd developed in the last thirty minutes. He ran a shaky hand through his thinning hair, sighing at the clumps that came away from his scalp.

Hammond eyed Jack. "What about you, Colonel?"

It was really hard - no pun intended - to take the older man seriously with the pony tail and full head of hair. "I don't feel any different, Sir."

"Neither do I." Carter added from across the table.

Jack didn't look at her.

"I'd like to run some blood work, just in case." Janet told them. "Your symptoms, whatever they are, might be taking longer to develop."

"Agreed. Put a rush on it and we'll reconvene when you have some answers." Hammond sighed. "We need to figure this out, people. I think I'm getting head lice."

***

The big needles had been brought out and Jack had kept his complaints to a minimum.

Teal'c and Daniel were both trying to figure out what the hell was going on with them, even though everyone seemed to be suffering from a different ailment. And it had only gotten worse.

Eight hours ago Teal'c's... pseudo pregnancy had been announced. Hammond had been the next victim. Then Daniel had begun to age. Siler's hands and feet had swelled to three times their normal size. His complaints about not being able to use a wrench had been heard base-wide.

Walter had suddenly found himself blind and Simmons was deaf. An airman had lost the use of his legs and another was unable to feel anything below his neck. Jack had heard the marines talking about an epically growing penis and exploding testicles, but he wasn't sure if that was an ailment or the jarheads being jarheads.

Janet had mentioned a thumping headache that had plagued her for hours and, while jabbing the needle into Jack's arm, he managed to get her to admit that she was going for an MRI while their blood work was being tested.

"Think it's serious?" He asked quietly.

The Doctor offered a small smile. "I suppose we'll see soon enough."

"If it's something cool, I want a picture."

"Hoping for the face of Jesus, sir?"

He shrugged. "Or Homer Simpson."

She laughed. "I'll be sure to check for you." Covering the gaping hole in his arm - fourteen vials, she'd taken! - with a stupidly small bandaid, she smiled again. "These should be done in an hour."

"Okay. I'll keep myself entertained."

"Much appreciated, sir. I'll be back shortly."

She took the satanic offerings of his virtue - hey, he'd had it at some point - and left him on the big chair he'd claimed as his for the ritual sacrifice she subjected him too.

Blood work had never sounded so cool.

Heh.

"Stop smirking."

Carter looked pissed. Which was kind of hot. "I'll smirk if I want to."

She eyed him, hands on her hips as she stood inside of the curtain that offered so little privacy it was barely there. "Were you flirting with her?"

Flirting with the woman that liked needles? Carter was crazy. He didn't filter that thought very well. "You're crazy."

She muttered something along the lines of 'you're mine' before Jack watched, silent and stunned, as she knelt on the floor between his spread thighs and reached for his fly.

"Uh, Carter?"

"Sir."

"You right there?"

She wasn't going to be distracted, he could tell. Mostly because she chose not to answer his question and, instead, pulled his cock free and did something insanely hot with her throat as she swallowed him almost to the base.

Shit. His hips shot up, forcing as much of himself into her mouth as he could. She didn't resist, taking him quietly. Her tongue moved around the hardening flesh in her mouth and Jack would have been quite content to die like that.

She sucked him tightly, her mouth firm around his swollen dick. God, she was good. Even just the sight of her sweet blonde head between his legs made him want to groan aloud. She was the hottest thing he'd seen in years.

And her wet mouth only made his life that much better as she sucked his brains out quite effectively. One of her small hands held the base of his cock, the other did wicked things to his balls.

Much as he wanted to hold off, wanted to change the scenery and make this last longer, the idea of coming down her throat was far too appealing and he couldn't stop himself when he left out a short grunt, thrusting against her face while he emptied himself into her mouth.

She swallowed everything he offered quietly and Jack knew that she had his taste in her mouth, now. Just like he had hers.

When his breathing slowed and he could think again, she was still sat between his legs, now carefully putting his flaccid penis back into his pants. She didn't look like she regretted anything.

"Colonel?"

Janet's voice meant he couldn’t ask her, either. Jack was ashamed to admit that he was glad for that, in a way. "Yea, Doc?"

"I've got the preliminaries back and it says here that, in both yourself and Captain Carter, your hormones are..." Her voice came closer as she spoke and the last of her sentence died off when she came behind the curtain and saw Samantha Carter at the feet of her CO, between his legs, both of them flushed. "...off the scale."

"Worked that out." He muttered.

Janet huffed in sadistic amusement. "So it appears."

***

"What are we going to do?"

Hammond posed the question, but no one had any answers. There was no scientific explanation and anything else would have been a theory at best. They had no proof of anything, nothing to 'go on'. Just the knowledge that some seriously strange shit kept happening.

"We go back to the last planet we were on?" Daniel offered with a shrug. "This all started after we got back."

"There was nothing there." Teal'c reminded them.

His big hand rested over his extremely large stomach. Someone had found him a shirt that covered most of the bump. It would have been hilarious if it wasn't so damn scary.

"I don't have anything better to suggest, do you?"

Jack was a little disappointed that Daniel didn't add 'young man!' to that.

Hammond sighed as an errant piece of hair fell over his eyes. "I agree with Doctor Jackson. The least we can do is look. SG-1, move out in thirty."

They nodded and Teal'c waddled out the door first, followed by Carter who looked like she was having a hard time whenever her thighs rubbed together - and he so knew why, god help him - and Daniel hobbled after them, no where near as fast as he used to be.

"Doctor Fraiser told me about the hormones." Hammond told him, once they were alone. "How bad is it?"

"Pretty bad." Jack admitted.

"I think it's fair to say we're all under alien influence here."

"That would be accurate." Jack agreed warily.

"Then let's get that sorted out." The older man nodded, his pony tail bouncing. "We'll sort out one problem at a time."

"Understood." Jack nodded and headed toward the exit.

"And, Colonel?"

Jack turned back from the door. "Yes sir?"

"Try to keep it in your pants."

***

"God, you can't keep it in your pants, can you?"

Daniel's voice was dripping with exasperation, but Jack found himself pretty unable to care.

In fairness, he thought, they had at least made it into the shower stall together, before anything had really started. It had all been fairly innocent as they soaped and washed each other. Hands lingered far longer than cleanliness dictated and it hadn't taken long before their mouths were locked and Jack was rubbing the head of his cock along her slit teasingly.

Daniel's impromptu entrance hadn't dulled the ache he felt for her and, given the fact that Carter had pulled back from the kiss long enough to see who it was intruding before she latched on the skin of Jack's neck, he figured that his hadn't cooled her ardour either. She was pretty damn hot.

"Aren't you two going to stop?" Daniel sounded like he was screeching and Jack figured this was way worse than the time his own father had caught him with a hand up the girl next door's shirt.

"Hadn't planned on it!" Jack snapped back, moving his mouth to Carter's neck to give her back some of her own. They were shipping out in fifteen minutes, but he only needed ten.

"Get a room!"

And Daniel to shut the hell up.

***

There were six robed people waiting when they exited the wormhole.

Jack wasn't surprised, despite the fact that this had been a deserted planet not two days ago. "Expecting someone?"

"Yes." One of them replied, but Jack didn't see any mouth moving. He wasn't sure if these aliens had a gender of not, there were no visible aesthetics to indicate either way. All but their faces were covered and they each had odd wires circling their necks.

Weird, but he'd seen worse.

"We learn from others." One - or all? or none? - of them went on. "You have returned to share your knowledge."

Wow. Maybe the mess really had dished out some shrooms.

Cool.

"What do you learn?" Daniel was logical, even if he looked like he had one foot in the grave and another on a banana peel.

"Much."

Which answered so many questions.

Jack spoke, if only because he wanted to get this over with so he could go and molest Carter some more. She didn't look like she'd be against it, either, as she licked her lips and eyed him hungrily. "Did you do this to us?"

"Yes."

Daniel glared and it was much scarier while he looked old enough to be their grandfathers. "So you use people as lab rats?"

"We speed up what is naturally occurring in beings in order to learn."

"Uh," Jack waved a hand towards Teal'c and his extremely stretched stomach. "Naturally occurring? Males don't naturally get pregnant."

They all nodded and offered something akin to a smile. "Not yet."

Well. Not much he could - or wanted - to say to that. "So you just wait for the rats to head home and then let them know what you've been up to?"

"You had to return."

"Why?" Jack demanded. Aside from the fact that his friends were in trouble, he was quite happy to continue his new found source of orgasms and all things feel good.

Mmmm, Carter.

"To reverse the changes."

"I don't understand." Carter said, obviously struggling to keep her mind focussed. "How did you do this?"

"We did it." They told her. "We will fix it."

Apparently it was that simple.

***

It really was that simple, Jack acknowledged as he walked down the ramp at the SGC, the bald head of his commander awaiting him. Walter and Simmons were in the control room. Siler was possessively clutching his wrench near the 'Gate and two of the fallen airmen were back at their posts.

"Sir, you look good." Jack told the older man.

Hammond grinned. "Well done, SG-1."

"We didn't actually do anything." Daniel, now much younger, but still as cranky replied.

"All of the affected people here got better not long after you went through the Stargate." Hammond waited for an explanation.

Jack had nothing. "I got nothing, sir."

"Maybe they were here." Carter offered. "They were either very well hidden or cloaked when we first went to that planet. They could have infected us with... something, when we were there."

"Or they could have followed us through the Stargate and experimented on us in secret." Teal'c finished.

"How did you get them to reverse the changes they'd made?" Hammond asked.

"They said they'd learnt everything they needed to know." Daniel shrugged. "Either way, if it's over, I'm not questioning it."

Teal'c was the only one that responded. "Indeed."

***

He found her in her lab. In the same chair she'd sat on the day before while his tongue had worked her over.

God. The memories were going to haunt him forever.

Jack didn't announce his presence, but he knew that she'd heard him enter. He wasn't trying to be quiet. They'd have to talk, he just wished he knew what to say.

"Sorry for repeatedly trying to bone you, Captain."

"Apologies for the unexpected workout, hope you're okay."

"Fancy a fuck?"

"What now?" She finally asked, breaking the tense silence.

"What do you mean?"

"Was this the result of... them. Or experiments. Or something else?"

Jack didn't ask what 'this' was supposed to be. He knew all too well.

"I don't know." Honesty was all he could offer.

He knew he liked her, knew he cared for her - perhaps more than he should, perhaps not - and he knew that she was a hot little thing in bed and not really something he wanted to give up any time soon. Which wasn't much of a hearts and flowers kind of promise like she deserved, so he didn't offer it.

Instead, he went with, "We could go fishing."

"Fishing?"

"I have a cabin." He shrugged. "We could... fish."

She was staring at him dumbly, but she was smiling, too. "Fish?"

"And talk." He amended.

"Okay."

The fact that she didn't hesitate surprised him, but either she was that sure of herself or she was that screwed up and desperate to fix this mess that she'd do anything she could. Either way, Jack knew how she felt.

"Good." He nodded, clapping his hands together.

He was nervous, but not quite sure why. She was too, he could see that in the way she smiled self-consciously and tucked strands of hair behind her ear in an oddly feminine move that he found far too adorable.

"You know," she offered after a moment. "we could just have sex."

Wow. This had to be a trap. Had to be. "We could."

"My place or yours?"

Maybe not, then.

***

Really not, as it turned out.

Jack looked at the sleeping woman beside him, watching her drool onto her pillow. He'd spent the evening waiting for the other shoe to drop. It wasn't until he'd been buried to the hilt inside of her that he'd finally accepted that she really must be crazy, because she wanted to sleep with him.

Not that he'd complained.

Quite the opposite. He'd done his damndest to make sure she was happy. And he was pretty damn pleased with himself. Not something he'd told Hammond when he'd checked in at the SGC half hour ago, but he was fairly certain there was a shit-eating grin on his face that transferred into his voice.

Hammond wouldn't ask questions, which was nice, because Jack didn't want to lie.

Neither did Carter.

"How long have you been up?" She blinked tiredly at him.

Jack shrugged. "An hour."

"You could've woken me."

"You needed to sleep." He waved her concern away. "I checked in with Hammond."

"Yeah?"

"Everything's good back at the ranch. Including T's pouch. Did you hear that Fraiser had been growing another brain?"

She was definitely awake then. "Really?"

"Yeah, it was on the MRI." He tapped the end of her nose with his finger. "I would've thought that you would have been the one to get the second brain."

"I'm not complaining with what I got." She replied, her voice serious despite the tentative smile she offered.

"Oh, me either." Jack assured her. "But, just so you know, I wont be trying to bone you every minute of the day from hereon in. That part was all alien influence."

"Good to know." She replied, moving into the embrace he offered.

"It's usually only something I want to do every second minute of the day."

***

End.